DVD Reviews

Saw VI
Starring: Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Costas Mandylor
Director: Kevin Greutert
Lionsgate Home Entertainment
Available Now - £19.99 (DVD) and £24.99 (Blu-ray)
Review by Blake Harmer

After the incredibly disappointing Saw V, I will admit that I was very worried that this would be similarly rubbish - a ludicrous plot and very cheap excuses for deaths. However, I am happy to report that unlike its predecessor, Saw VI is a) actually a good film and b) has deaths that actually relate to the plot.

Saw VI continues the story following the death of Special Agent Strahm and Detective Hoffman as the successor to continuing on Jigsaw’s legacy. When Detective Hoffman and Jigsaw’s wife set a game into motion that reveals the Jigsaw’s grand scheme to fulfil his revenge, Detective Hoffman tries to take matters into his own hands as the FBI close in on him.

This film is good as it retains a lot of great things about the previous movies such as cleverly created death contraptions, plot twists that you don’t see coming and some genuinely squeamish moments with lots of blood and gore. Where the film goes better than Saw V is that the deaths in the film relate to what is going on in the storyline rather than Saw V going “Wow, this is very story specific, but lets throw in some random deaths for no reason so people will still go and see it.”. The uses of the contraptions are also good as they are meant to torture the protagonist psychologically as they brought towards their impending physical demise.

However, where the film falls short is that, six movies on, the plot still doesn’t look like it is going to end, which raises the question of how long they are going to keep the plot going for before it eventually becomes too watered down and makes little sense like so many TV series (I’m looking at you Lost and The X-Files). However, at least this film shows more promise that there is a good ending in sight, but with the franchise currently commissioned to do thirteen films, I am very worried that this will occur.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Lots of death and gore shown in graphic detail, as can be expected from a Saw movie.
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: IMDB mentions 38 uses of "fuck" as well as other profanities, which means this is an E14 horror movie in my book.
Summary: An enjoyable return to form for the series and a must have for fans. However, if you haven’t seen any of the Saw films, I strongly advise starting at the beginning due to the series having a very complex plot with lots of plot twists. Sure, Saw VI won’t beat the brilliance of the first movie, but retains the series high standard after the horribly average fifth instalment. 7/10

Planet Hulk
Starring: Rick D. Wasserman, Marc Worden and Kevin Michael Richardson
Director: Sam Liu
Lionsgate Home Entertainment
Available Now - £12.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer

Millions of light years from Earth, the Red King rules planet Sakaar with an iron fist. When Hulk arrives on Sakaar, he is sold as a slave and forced to fight as a gladiator. The people of Sakaar need a savior, and as Hulk fights his way through a series of formidable opponents, he forms a powerful bond with four fearsome warriors. Later, along with the help of fellow combatants Miek, Korg, Hiroim, and Elloe, Hulk wages war on the despotic Red King. As the battle intensifies, it begins to appear that Hulk may be Sakaar's destroyer, rather than its saviour.

If you like Saturday Morning Cartoons and The Incredible Hulk, then you’re going to get at least some enjoyment out of this. The animation is pretty good, featuring a base of cel animation, with some CG shading and augmentation that really adds some depth and flair to it. The voice acting is pretty solid, too. There are also some very nice cameos from other Marvel superheroes (although the pivotal one is a pretty obscure character).

Unfortunately, if you’re not already a Marvel Zombie, then you may have some difficulty following this. You’re expected to just accept that Hulk has been evicted from Earth, with only the briefest of explanations as to why, and you may want some knowledge of some Marvel characters before going in to this.

Like I said, Marvel fans will get an Emotionally Fourteen thrill out of this. Newcomers would be better off with the more mainstream live-action movies. Except the Ang Lee one. That’s terrible.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Ridley Scott’s Gladiator – Russell Crowe + The Incredible Hulk = this movie.
Sex/Nudity: Hulk is topless for most of the film.
Swearing: None.
Summary: A fun, superhero actioner that supplies some excellent action sequences – but is may be a little too obscure in its Marvelness to appeal to all. 7/10

Fright
Starring: Honor Blackman, Susan George, Ian Bannen
Director: Peter Collinson
Optimum Home Entertainment
Available Now - £15.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer

Amanda occasionally babysits for friends and neighbours, so when newly arrived village couple Helen and Jim ask her to look after their baby whilst they go out for dinner, she accepts. But when the baby is asleep and the parents have left, the house adopts a claustrophobic air of menace. The simplest domestic sound becomes an assault on the nerves: the relentless tick of the pendulum-clock and the tapping, squeaking, breathing of a high-ceilinged Victorian house in the dead of night...

And when Helen and Jim in conversation with Dr Cordell reveal that her ex-husband Brian is a psychotic, homicidal maniac who tried to kill her, it seems that the air of menace might turn out to be a very real threat indeed...

Fright is a hard movie to review fairly. It’s actually pretty well put together and has some very tense moments in it. It’s far from a bad film, bar some plot devices and dodgy acting which aren’t so much flaws as requirements for the genre. Fright was the very first of the “babysitter alone with a maniac/ghost/demon/serial killer” movies. However, it has dated very, very badly.

Several of the events that would have been original on its first release are now so hackneyed and overdone that it’s all but impossible not to see them coming a mile off. It’s also doubly hard to take seriously when it features the principal cast of Minder (yes, both Waterman and Cole are in this) and Trigger from Only Fools and Horses.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Some scuffling, fisticuffs, and stabby/slicy. Some blood.
Sex/Nudity: You see bra.
Swearing: None.
Summary: A historically significant movie, but unfortunately one that the years have not been kind to. One for horror buffs and collectors only. 5/10

Blood Feast 2
Starring: John McConnell, Mark McLachan and Melissa Morgan
Director: Herschell Gordon Lewis
Arrow Films
Available Now - £15.99 (DVD)
Review by Brad Harmer

Two generations after the cannibalistic caterer Fuad Ramses wreaked bloody havoc in the suburbs of Miami, his heir and grandson, Fuad Ramses III is on hand to revive the family business. Unaware of his grandfather's indiscretions, and having inherited his ancestor's bakery and confectionery store, young Fuad takes over the premises and sets about establishing himself as the supplier of quality food to the local community. Unfortunately, he is immediately possessed by the long-dormant demonic icon of Ishtar, an ancient, blood hungry goddess. Soon, Fuad is sequentially knocking off the guests of a wedding for which he has been employed to oversee the catering requirements and is using their bloody remains as the secret ingredients in his culinary delights.

Unsuccessfully trying to get to the bottom of the current spate of bizarre murders are a couple of bumbling cops, one of whom is due to be the groom at the forthcoming nuptials, the other a food-junkie who develops an irresistible appetite for Fuad's delicious wares.

If you didn’t already know otherwise, you would never believe that this movie was made and released as recently as 2002. The style, the budget, the acting...everything screams “bad eighties horror comedy”. Everything here has dated very badly, and never really manages to feel like a coherent movie. Sure the gore work is good, and it will probably go down well with Lloyd Kaufman fans; and any movie that features The Butthole Surfers’ “Sweat Loaf” scores an extra point – but for the most part it’s just an embarrassment.

The contrived comedy sequences bring to mind the feeling of politely watching a stand-up comedian die on his arse as he trots out some “airline food” routine that he believes to be really original. All of the gags are contrived, and the early 21st Century “knowing wink to the camera” self-parody becomes grating by the twenty minute mark. Yes, we know we’re not supposed to take it seriously. Get on with it.

The occasionally retch-inducing gore is good, but not worth sitting through the “comedy” and “acting” for. If you’re after that, pick up a Lucio Fulci or Takashi Miike movie instead, and see how it looks when it’s done properly.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Several graphic murders and gory torture sequences. There is an element of the comedic bizarre to most of them, though, which blunts their impact a little.
Sex/Nudity: Some boobies and scantily clad ladies.
Swearing: Some. Badly delivered.
Summary: A brainless, gross-out comedy that drives its gags home with a sledgehammer. Worth catching on TV, but don’t waste money on it. 4/10

Star Trek Aliens: A Spotter's Guide

Klingons
Good Guys or Bad Guys: They started off bad guys in the original series, but they’re pretty much good guys from The Next Generation onwards.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad forehead.
Culture: Warrior Caste. Frequently exhibit cockiness and debauchery. Basically, the Chavs of Space.
Most Likely to Say: K’plah.
Trivia: You can pretty much bluff Klingon with nothing but “t”s and “k”s.




Vulcans
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Good guys, really – if a little stand-offish. Lot of attitude to go with. They appear to come from the planet Aspergers.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad ears, with some mad eyebrown action creeping onto the forehead.
Culture: An intellectual culture based on logic, douchebaggery and Vulcan Neck Pinches.
Most Likely to Say: “That seems highly illogical. Let’s do what I say, instead.”
Trivia: Hell is being stuck in a lift with a Vulcan.




Romulans
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Usually bad guys. They’ve never really been accepted.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad ears.
Culture: Romulans are the counterpoint to the Vulcan race, with whom they share a common ancestry. Romulans are passionate, cunning, and opportunistic — in every way the opposite of Vulcans.
Most Likely to Say: “No, we are not just a mix of Klingon and Vulcan thought up during a slow day.”
Trivia: You can go all of your Star Trek watching life without needing to see anything with Romulans in.




Cardassians
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Out for their own, to be honest. They could be good or bad, depending on the situation. They were most often seen in Deep Space Nine, which is why they’re probably the least recognised alien here.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Very mad forehead, slightly mad ears.
Culture: They are often politically motivated, like most Human politicians. There are often predatory, like most Human politicians. They are often very intelligent.
Most likely to say: “What do you mean we’re not on the list? We’ve been in the franchise since 1991! I demand to speak to Mr Roddenbe...oh, what? We’ve been queuing here for ages, and you’re letting freaking Wookies in now?”




Ferengi
Good Guys or Bad Guys: In The Next Generation, they were basically Klingons Take Two. By the time of Deep Space Nine, they’re basically the equivalent of Woody Harrelson in Cheers. No movie has ever been based around the Ferengi. Just saying.
Mad Forehead, or Mad Ears?: Mad forehead extending into and wrapping around the mad ears.
Culture: A heavily merchant based culture, albeit sometimes a shady and underhand one.
Most Likely To Say: “Stop staring at my weird head.”




Borg
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Totally bad guys. These are your “old school” seek and destroy style alien invaders. They’re also of an insectoid hive mind, which any really lazy media student will tell you is representative of a fear of Communism. I never understood that personally. I’m much more scared of giant insects than I am of Communism.
Mad Forehead or Mad Ears?: Lump of cyberpunk style machinery over one ear.
Culture: A cybernetic culture hell bent on destroying and assimilating the universe for no other reason than that is what they do. A bit like giant insects. And, to a lesser extent, Communists.
Most Likely To Say: “Resistance is futile.”




Species 8472
Good Guys or Bad Guys: Bad guys, I guess. They’re sworn enemy of the Borg, so that’s a pretty good thing. Ironically, they resemble giant insects.
Mad Forehead or Mad Ears?: Mad everything.
Culture: They kill the fuck out of things.
Mostly Likely to Say: Nothing. And then stab you.

Video Game Reviews: Final Fantasy XIII

Final Fantasy XIII
Square Enix
Available Now - £49.99 (PS3 (Version Tested) and Xbox 360) and £59.99 (Limited Collector's Edition - PS3 and Xbox 360)
Review by Blake Harmer

As a hardcore gamer, there aren’t many games that I look forward to playing more than the next Final Fantasy game. Sure, like a lot of people I didn’t really get into the franchise until Final Fantasy VII, but I have become a huge fan by playing pretty much every single game in the series after that, with the inclusion of some of the spin-off games such as Final Fantasy Tactics and Disgaea: Final Fantasy. So I feel extremely privileged to able to review Final Fantasy XIII, as it has been one of the games I have been looking forward to since it was first announced about three years ago.

Like a lot of Final Fantasy games, the plot sees a band of unlikely heroes thrown together to prevent untold destruction and save their world (called Cocoon). The characters involve a variety of people including Snow, the leader of rebel faction "Nora" out to save his fiancée Serah; Lightning, Serah’s sister who is also trying to save her; Hope, a child whose mother died whilst fighting Sanctum (Cocoon’s government) troops but blames Snow for not saving her; and Sazh, a civilian with a baby chocobo living in his enormous hair, who joins the fight in order to save his son from a fate worse than death. And then we have Vanille and Fang but I won’t reveal their stories as it would give too much away and I wouldn’t want to spoil FFXIII’s excellent storyline.

So what is new about this "next generation" Final Fantasy? Well, the most major difference to the game is the combat, which has gone away from FFXII’s MMORPG method of combat and gone back to the initiating a fight combat screen of old. However, the game does still retain FFXII’s monsters being on the game world, so you can avoid a fight if you want to (as long as you can outrun them), and you can also do a pre-emptive strike on them if you can sneak up on them without alerting their attention.

The combat also focuses more on the hero you’re controlling rather than your whole team, with AI deciding what moves the other heroes do. However, you can assign “paradigms” which allow you to assign roles to each person, such as healer, magic wielder, heavy hitter etc. This is done on the fly so it creates quite a tactical sort of combat where you have to assign the best roles at the best times so you can deal the most damage to your enemies whilst keeping your team healthy, and whilst this may be challenging at times, it is very satisfying when you defeat an enemy. Chuck in technical abilities such as the summoning of Eidolons (Guardian Forces/Aeons, etc) to aid in combat and you have an excellent in depth fighting system.

The game is also great as it feels like you are never too far away from a save point, which is a god-send as these are also the places where you can buy supplies and weapons, or upgrade your existing weapons and armour. This is also another nice touch, as you can improve your current weapon or swap to a new one that may be weaker, but may ultimately upgrade to be a much more powerful weapon, adding an element of "risk versus reward" to the proceedings.

Lastly, whilst it is really only a minor point in the scheme of things, FFXIII does deserve credit purely for its production values. The graphics, both in game and cut scenes, are truly breathtaking, and the sound is truly phenomenal featuring great voice acting. Every line of dialogue has been recorded so gone are the blue text boxes of doom.

So why the lack of a 10/10 score? Well, the game, whilst bringing some great ideas to the Final Fantasy table, does fall down where previous instalments have been better. For starters, the game is completely linear and there are no real areas to explore or side quests to complete, so the fun of finding the ultimate weapon or other hidden treasures has disappeared and been hidden in the form of upgrading your weapon. Also, the combat, whilst brilliant can be frustrating because, if your central hero at the time is KO’d the game ends and you have to start back at the last checkpoint, but if your team mates die, you can use a Phoenix Down to bring them back to life. This makes it frustrating if a monster does a really powerful attack on your character and ends the game when if it did it to another character it would be just a mild inconvenience.

However, with these faults aside Final Fantasy XIII is still a great game and will delight fans. Just don’t expect it to completely blow away the other games in the series.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating:
Graphics: FFXIII is the prettiest multi-platform game I have ever seen, like the previous games, it graphically sets the benchmark that far surpasses any other multi-platform game, and the cut scenes are truly breathtaking.
Sound/Music: Those familiar orchestral pieces that only a Final Fantasy game can have, plus some superb voice acting makes the game feel like an animated movie at times.
Gameplay: A strong yet difficult combat system holds the game in place, but the linear storyline and lack of exploration does damage the game against previous instalments.
Lasting Appeal: It’s a Final Fantasy game...what more can I say besides that you will definitely get your money's worth, despite its linearity.
Summary: Despite FFXIII’s new ideas (some great, some not so great) at its heart this next generation Final Fantasy still does what the series has always done best: create wonderful universes with its own history and great characters, in which to tell great stories. This is essential if you are a fan of the Final Fantasy series or you really enjoy RPGs, and you will not be disappointed. However, if you don’t like the Final Fantasy series, the new changes to the combat aren’t likely to be different enough to convert you. It may not be the best installment due to its faults, but it does have elements that could make the number fourteen the best Final Fantasy yet. 8/10