Sex Toy Reviews

A bit of a twist on the review front for you this week.

The Fleshlight was designed by former US police officer Steve Shubin who was suffering a period of forced abstinence while his wife was in a high-risk pregnancy. He was granted a patent in 1998 for his invention, as a "device for discreet sperm collection". We're unclear on whether or not that sounds dirtier than "wank receptacle". With "device for discreet sperm collection", it's not even a hundred per cent clear that it's your own sperm you're collecting.

The Fleshlight is designed and marketed by Interactive Life Forms (ILF). The Fleshlight is named for the flesh-like material used in its inner sleeve, as well as the plastic case that houses the sleeve, which is fashioned to look like an oversized flashlight.

Here are our thoughts...

Brad: You might want to clear your Internet history when we've finished. Could be embarrassing if your Dad or your Sister finds it.
Rob: Understood.

The Pink Mouth Fleshlight - RRP £53.99



Rob: Why is it that at the same time as I understand the appeal, I can't help but think "SledgeHammer!"
Brad: "Material: Realistic Feel"...yeah, but realistic what?
Rob: I dunno...what's a face made of? Just tissue and muscle and stuff right? And obviously skin and bone.
Brad: Mucus. And Peter Gabriel, apparently.
Rob: I guess so...It says here "immerse the sleeve in hot water to add heat.". It should also add "be careful to put your dick in the fleshlight, and not the scalding water".
Brad: Do you keep it in the black plastic case whilst you're fucking it? Or is that just for concealment purposes?
Rob: I have no idea.
Brad: I appreciate this looks fun, but I'm fairly sure that I could buy a real blow job for under forty quid.
Rob: We live in Medway mate, forty quid goes a long way. Don't forget there's a recession - they probably make change. Have you read the customer reviews on this thing? It's genius!
Brad: I've seen one, but it just made me feel an overwhelming pity.
Rob: “Cons - It's bulky and quite an odd looking thing to stick your dick in”
Brad: I've been out with her...See, the problem I have, is that I think that masturbation is the only activity a man can do that looks cooler when he's doing it without some kind of tool.
Rob: Surely if you bought that, plus, as this guy did, something called a "Spartacus", you're beyond personal appearance.
Brad: You know what's sadder than buying and using one of these things? Buying and using one of these things, and having such a wonderful time with it that you write a glowing review online.
Rob: Never underestimate the power of marketing, my man. Apparently it's vanilla scented. Surely that's a bit noncy? It'd be like face-fucking someone who's just eaten a '99 Ice cream.
Brad: Which, whilst far from disagreeable, isn't really worth mentioning as a plus point, either. It's worth mentioning at this point that Fleshlight really pride themselves on their product being discreet, by disguising itself as a torch. See, if I owned one, I'd want it to look like something that no-one but me would ever touch. Ever.
Rob: Such as?
Brad: All I think here is I can see the power going out and my girlfriend picking up what she thinks is a torch to go and study the circuit breaker in the basement. Instead, she takes the safety cap off, and there's this mouth staring back at her. SAN Loss Rolls all round.
Rob: Yeah, cos that'd be pretty embarrassing, to try and switch on the torch and be told that "You could have a big dipper, going up and down around the bend!".
Brad: Sadly, my penis is probably the only thing I touch that I can guarantee no-one else would touch.
Rob: So you want...a hole that disguises itself as a penis? “Have a look at FleshParadox!”
Brad: *Miscellaneous Courtney Love Joke*. Score?
Rob: I'm gonna give it an 8, purely because it made me want to listen to Peter Gabriel. And for this customer top-tip: “The 'shoe method' is a style of hands-free Fleshlighting. Stick the narrow end of the Fleshlight into a shoe, on a flat surface, and then penetrate as you would with a partner in the missionary position.”
Brad: Accidentally picking up a d12 by mistake gives this an 11.
Rob: There's a section on here for building your own Fleshlight. Surely that's counter-productive to their business model...
Brad: The final test of any true Jedi is to build his own Fleshlight.
Rob: Oh wait, it's using their parts. I thought it was proper foraging-style construction..."Bit of cushion, toilet roll tube, then fuck it i suppose".

Pink Male Butt Speed Bump Fleshjack - RRP £44.99
Brad: They claim this is catering for the gay market, but I can't believe that for a second. The trouble lies with the scale of the thing. Those entire butt-cheeks have to fit in a torch sized canister. And there's only one type of guy who'd want to fuck something exactly the same shape and size as a baby's butt.
Rob: Why do I feel that sentence is going to end badly for me?
Brad: Nah, that's too cheap a shot for something as genuinely dark as this. Furthermore, I can't believe there's a gay guy alive who'd fuck a Fleshlight.
Rob: See, the wording of these inserts terrifies me. "Speed bump?" if you're going over 20mph with a Fleshlight, I'm amazed your cock hasn't burned away
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: I'm gonna go with a 2. I agree with you, I think gay men would actually be offended by this.
Brad: Uh, a Storm Bolter Jam Symbol out of ten for me. I really should look at what dice I'm picking up.


Pink Lady Stamina Training Unit Fleshlight - RRP £55.99




Brad: My brother used to suffer from Night Terrors when he was very small; probably about three or four years old. He'd often wake up screaming that "The Pink Lady" was back. We never knew what he meant, or what caused it.
Rob: I see where this is going
Brad: Now, the mystery can finally be laid to rest. You know, reviewing these things whilst listening to the soundtrack album from The Wicker Man is a really disconcerting experience.
Rob: I've got Manic Street Preachers on, I'm alright
Brad: It's good to know that this sex toy "Does not contain phthalates". It'd be terrible to be mobbed by some flying dinosaurs whilst your fucking a torch chassis that you've mounted in a shoe. Especially if the power then goes out and your girlfriend needs a torch.
Rob: Yeah, I'm not sure how the shoe method is any less embarassing if you're caught

"Oh, you're fucking a torch."
"No, it's a sex aid."
"Oh, right."

"Oh, you're fucking a shoe."
"No, it's a -"
"When are you moving out?"


How the hell does it train stamina anyway? Does it talk and throw 80's working out slogans at you?
Brad: Jesus. As if the flying dinosaurs, power failures and confused spouses weren't enough, you want to throw Mr Motivator into the mix as well?
Rob: I thought he was 1990s?
Brad: Possibly. I'll look him up on Wikipedia.
Rob: Christ, it's a wonder you get any work done

*time passes*

Brad: The sad thing is the he even has a Wikipedia page...
Rob: Everything does, man.
Brad: Early 90s. You were right.
Rob: It doesn't feel like a victory in the strictest sense.
Brad: I was hoping I could take the piss out of him here, but he's pretty much dedicated his life to charity work. He seems like a fucking awesome bloke.
Rob: I always got that impression.
Brad: His house is going to be investigated by Most Haunted in the summer. That's the second most awesome thing that can happen to a house.
Rob: Out of interest, what's the first?
Brad: I dunno. But my optimism refuses to let me believe that that is the coolest. Back to this sex toy, anyway. I like the way they try and market masturbation as training for sex.
Rob: Any idea what Brinksmanship is? Apparently this toy helps you practise it. I'd be happy with something that explained it to me.
Brad: I think it's a skill in Call of Cthulhu.
Rob: Ah, see, I always load up Spot Hidden.
Brad: You want to hear something even scarier than flying dinosaurs, Call of Cthulhu gags, shoe fucking and Mr Motivator?
Rob: Go on.
Brad: "Brinkmanship" is a real word. Wikipedia describes it as: "the practice of pushing a dangerous situation to the verge of disaster in order to achieve the most advantageous outcome". I'm hoping you can read between the lines to see where the Fleshlight comes in.
Rob: Yeah, but, “the verge of disaster”, though? Maybe if it's over the curtains, I guess...
Brad: Or in your girlfriend's shoe.
Rob: Well, I've always dated girls with small feet, so I found that to be an issue anyway.
Brad: Everyone has small feet compared to you.
Rob: Yeah, but I mean in general; like size 4-5.
Brad: What shoe size are you, for our readers who may not know you personally? Which in a perfect world would be the majority...
Rob: A size 15 UK, which is a European size 50 and US size 15.5.
Brad: Christopher Lee's singing to me whilst I look at sex toys. Do you have any idea how dirty that makes me feel?
Rob: You love it though, admit it.
Brad: Here's a scary customer review: "My Fleshlight is something i have been waiting for, for 50 years. I am now 66. It's the next best thing to a real woman. I've always been highly sexed.". Thanks to the wonders of the Internet...you might be related to that guy, and you would never know. Score?
Rob: I'm gonna give it a higher score than the gay bum one... 6
Brad: 2 for me.
Rob: 2? You roll the right dice this time, or flip a coin?
Brad: 1d4.

Bad Boy Prostate Vibrator - RRP £44.99





Rob: I think I've jogged carrying something like that. I thought it was just a weight, now I feel awful knowing where it's been
Brad: I love this customer review, which starts out with the line "Bought for a friend."...followed by a really in-depth review of how awesome it is.
Rob: "This thing rocks my world...I've been told"
Brad: You've bought a butt toy online, and are posting about it anonymously. There's no need to be coy by this point. "The design is based on the famous Rude Boy”. Desmond Dekker?
Rob: Ali G? Well, it looks like a cunt...
Brad: Jesus, my Wikipedia history is "Brinkmanship", "Desmond Dekker", "Prostate Massage"...Have you ever tried playing with your butt, either on your own or with a lady friend?
Rob: Let me think for a second...No.
Brad: I only ask because...Jesus, why am I asking?
Rob: I'm largely unaware.
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: It looks a bit like a 2, so let's say 2.
Brad: Uh...one Surge.
Rob: Put the fucking dice away.
Brad: Onto the Stealth!

Pink Stealth Discreet Fleshlight - RRP £53.99

Rob: Now, here's the thing: I get all the other designs, they make total sense. I cannot think of one opening on either a man or a woman that resembles the Stealth.
Brad: I can think of one.
Rob: Where is it?
Brad: The Jap's Eye, my Dear Watson.
Rob: Ahhhh... but why would you want to fuck some other guy's Jap's Eye?
Brad: This is the Internet, my Dear Watson. Have you seen the kind of shit people like out there? This is practically vanilla compared to anything the Furries like. Are they noticeably cheaper than any that look like real fannies?
Rob: Not that I can see, anyway. Surely whatever the opening looks like is moot? Even if you found the stealthiest opening possible, people will still be weirded out by the fact that your torch doesn't have...a bulb?
Brad: Would you want to fuck another man's Ja...Jesus, why am I asking?
Rob: I’m largely unaware.
Brad: Are you tempted to try any of these out?
Rob: I'd sooner exhaust any chance of fucking a real girl before I tried that, to be honest.
Brad: Okay...can I ask you serious question?
Rob: We can do serious?
Brad: What the fuck is this?

Male Edge Pro - RRP £229.99
Rob: A...catapult? Apparently it'll make your wife scream in bed after 3 months. Only because it costs two hundred and thirty quid she could have spent on shoes.
Brad: Yeah, but you only ruin them with the Fleshlight thing anyway. Not that she’ll ever know...because you've got... STEALTH!

Brad: Yeah, we can't show a picture of this one, so here, is a most definitely NSFW link. Rob...your thoughts...

Pratt Penetrator Sound Set - RRP £95.00

NOT SAFE FOR WORK

Rob: Oh my god, I winced quicker than ever before!
Brad: Suddenly, fucking a Jap's Eye doesn't seem so strange anymo...what am I saying...of course it does.
Rob: Arrgh!
Brad: You okay?
Rob: Pins and needles in my leg... better than a tuning fork in the cock, though.
Brad: You don't see the appeal of it, then?
Rob: Not at all! Why would you do that to yourself? I wouldn't even let the hot redhead at the top of the page do that to me!
Brad: Gaaah!
Rob: You okay?
Brad: No, I just looked at the picture again.
Rob: Ah.
Brad: Someone reading this is aroused by it, though. We're on the Internet.
Rob: Yeah, you enjoying this, ya freaks?!
Brad: I'm gonna try and find something even weirder...Wow, that didn't take long, did it?

The Houdini Chastity Cage - RRP £105.00

NOT SAFE FOR WORK

Rob: The penis appears to be damp at the end, haha, how embarass...what am I saying? He's locked his penis in a cage.
Brad: Anyone who puts on, allows one of these devices to be put on, has not considered two little words - “Morning Wood”. Would you wear one of...Jesus, what's wrong with me tonight?

Fleshlights are not available in the Emotionally Fourteen Store...but go shopping there anyway!