Unplugged Gaming Reviews

All Things Zombie: Better Dead Than Zed
Miniatures Wargame/RPG System
Available now from Two Hour Wargames
Review by Brad Harmer

There is nothing quite so hard to review in the world as this: the flawed masterpiece.

This is the second incarnation of All Things Zombie: Better Dead Than Zed from Two Hour Wargames, re-planned, re-mastered, and packing a campaign system. And first things first - this game is huge. The scope for long-term campaigns, encounters and resource management in a post-outbreak world is of the type normally only seen in RPGs, and if you got into this game, there is more than enough here to keep you occupied for at least a year's worth of gaming, if not more.

Players take the part of "Stars" of their own zombie story, with a posse of NPC "grunts" as their sidekicks, friends, dependents and disposable assests. The game mechanics take care of the zombies, so there's no need for a GM, and co-operative play is possible, with multiple Stars of the story. Players determine a few base stats, and away they go.

Like most wargames, the rulebook is designed for reference purposes rather than to learn from. As a reference work, it's great. Sections are easy to find, the index is comprehensive, and everything is clearly laid out on the page. Trying to learn the game from scratch, however, is a little harder, as the subject seems to jump about from subject to subject. Two sections on setting up terrain? Not introducing the zombies until halfway through the rules? The game system seems like a hell of a mess on paper, and certainly needed a more concise turn-sequence reference sheet, and possibly a few more detailed examples of play. Once you get your head round it though, it seems innovative, attempting to blend the best elements of wargaming, RPGs and video games.

With that said, All Things Zombie is quite possibly the only zombie campaign game you will ever need. Zombies!!!, Zombie Plague and Last Night On Earth are trashy zombie blasters, in the vein of The Evil Dead and Braindead, but All Things Zombie is dirty, gritty and base...like The Walking Dead, or 28 Days Later. Running a campaign in All Things Zombie, you will discover that humans can be more dangerous than zombies, fuel and food are valuable, and chainsaws are much more trouble than they're worth. The is the Advanced Squad Leader of survival horror - and I mean that in the best way.

Like many works before it - Nine Inch Nails' The Fragile, The Smashing Pumpkins' Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, or even Francis Ford Coppola's Apocalypse Now - All Things Zombie is both blessed and cursed by its depth and length. The aforementioned works may be clunky and unwieldy, but to edit or truncate them in any way would dimish their impact as a whole. All Things Zombie suffers exactly the same flaw - but these flaws are side effects of the impressive bigger picture.

All Things Zombie is not recommended for the casual gamer. It's complex, and requires a fair amount of record keeping if you intend to play it to its fullest. Those who are looking for a truly realistic and gritty zombie "sim", however...look no further...it has arrived. - 8/10

All Things Zombie is available from RPGNow.Com priced $20.00 (£12.50).

Puroresu
Sourcebook for The Squared Circle RPG
Available now from Day Dreamer Interactive
Review by Rob Wade



Have you ever dreamed of being a wrestler? Of course you have, it’s only natural for somebody of age E14. The pyros, the theme music, the thousands upon thousands of adoring fans chanting your name or telling you that you suck. Either way, it’s nice to be being talked about.

Well, chances are that’s never going to happen for you, so why not stay indoors and play an RPG instead?

Puroresu is an expansion to the already extensive Squared Circle Wrestling RPG system, adding a cavalcade of new features including:

• 6 new classes
• 11 new skills
• New Hardcore Weapons and Deathmatches
• Backstage Combat Areas
• Targeted Submission and Damage System
• Status Effect rules
• Increased character level cap (15)
• Multi-class characters

In addition, the creator has seen fit to furnish purchasers of this sourcebook with an updated character sheet to encompass all the extra features and allow you to start integrating them straight away, which is handy really, being as this book does really make a tremendous difference to the game mechanics.

The rule book also includes a number of new characters, as part of two new main federations. To say that this book represents value for money is an understatement. However, part of the fun is that you can create your own character, which the framework in place allows for to a tremendous level.

Let’s get straight to what I like about this book. Having given it a go myself, I can say with utmost authority that this game works at a technical level. My co-writer Brad and I spent an evening testing out the mechanics using a severely cut-down version to resolve matches, bearing in mind that we had never played the game before.

Even with that in mind, the system allows you to effectively resolve a Pay-Per-View card quickly, with good and varied results for every show. The system flows easily, and if you get into it, it genuinely does feel like you’re running a wrestling federation (though there’s no option to ruin the ending of the competing shows, Eric Bischoff style – though I’m sure there’s a sourcebook on the way that addresses that).

The level of detail in this system is nothing short of superb. It’s clear that a lot of work has gone into it, and it shows: There is nothing conceivable that you could think of to do with wrestling that is missing from either the base rulebook or this expansion. At a push, you could say the Chris Benoit “child-suplex” expansion is not included, but be honest with yourself: are you really going to use that move often, especially considering the end result of that particular heated and personal feud?

It’s clear that a lot of love has gone into this sourcebook, as evidently Eric Moreau is good at envisaging which parts need to go together and which don’t, creating a complete set of rules for each different area of the expansion.

Saying that, the book does seem like it could easily have been truncated into smaller volumes and still have been viable. Obviously, if you want all the aspects of this volume, it’s an absolute bargain, but then if you would only need one of those elements, you might feel like you don’t really get your money’s worth (though if you do, just remember that anything with a set of statistics for “hot coffee to the face” has got to be worth picking up no matter what the cost!).

That said, anyone who wants a truly involving gameplay experience themed around professional wrestling would be an absolute fool to ignore Eric Moreau’s Squared Circle system. The Puroresu sourcebook can be purchased from RPGNow.com, priced $11.50 (£7.25) along with the original rulebook. Please support this guy, his work is simply superb. - 9/10



The base rulebook for The Squared Circle is currently available in the Emotionally Fourteen Amazon Store. The price you pay is the same as buying from Amazon, and Amazon donate a percentage of the sales toward our hosting costs.

The Dumbest Wrestling Finishers Ever

Okay, wrestlers...we're going to make a deal here. We'll stop moaning and whining about how it's all "dumb" and "fake", if you stop being dumb and make at least some kind of pretence that it isn't fake. The 1990s are over, and we don't want tongue in cheek winking at the camera in any of our other art-forms. We are the post-Saw generation, and we want to believe that the carnage we are witnessing is at least being taken seriously by the artists involved, even if no-one else.

5: The Clothesline From Hell
Bradshaw AKA JBL



Godammit, Bradshaw! We don't care what you call it, there's no getting away from the fact that this is a clothesline! A move so common or garden to the world of professional wrestling that they literally named it after a common and/or garden household item!

Here's a compilation of Bradshaw using the Clothesline From Hell.



You'll have noticed that his usages of the Clothesline From Hell fall into two categories - a) ones where the move looks exactly like every other clothesline you have ever seen and b) ones where they are ridiculously oversold by "Badd Ass" Billy Gunn - a wrestler whose gimmick was that he was an "is-he-or-isn't-he" homosexual.

4: The DDT
Jake "The Snake" Roberts



The DDT is a legitimate wrestling move, no argument here. Some of my favourite wrestlers of all time, such as Cactus Jack, Raven and Cactus Jack, have used a DDT (or a variation thereof) as their finisher. And why not? It's a high impact move, it's quick and gets a pop, and the weight/athleticism of the opponent isn't a factor.

Unfortunately, the problem with the DDT isn't with the move itself, but rather with its retarded creation. You see, ladies and gentlemen, the DDT was actually invented by mistake.

See, back in the 1980s, Jake Roberts had his opponent "The Grappler" (possibly the shittiest name for a pro-wrestler, without going the whole hog and just calling yourself "Pretends to fight") in a front face lock. Then, Jake (most likely pissed as a newt), fell over. The end result was The Grappler falling face first into the mat, and being legitimately knocked unconcious. So, one of the most high-impact moves of all time was actually based on a botch.

Let's kick the retardation up a notch.

3: The Atomic Legdrop
Hulk Hogan AKA "Hollywood" Hogan



There are a fair few moves in wrestling with involve a kind-of "dickery-fuckery" before pulling of a really low-rent move, which the crowd is supposed to buy as high impact. The Rock had The People's Elbow, for example, which consisted of flinging his arm-band into the crowd before running from side to side across the ring for a while, and then finally culminating in...an elbow drop. Scotty 2 Hotty would break-dance across the ring for a while, before finally culminating in...an elbow drop. However, none of these moves is quite as infamous as Hulk Hogan's leg-drop.



When you consider the amount of time his opponent is laid out for, it's hard to believe that they wouldn't have recovered and be kicking his arse before he's finished spazzing around like a crazy homeless man. The only possible explanation is that either a) the boot to the face is actually the finisher, and the leg-drop is purely sadism on Hogan's part, or b) the opponent is feeling sorry for the crazy old man unable to step out of wrestling's limelight, and is just trying to make him feel better.

2: The Stinkface
Rikishi



Okay, now we're getting so retarded that it's borderline crapping in your hand and flinging it at someone.



The really scary thing in the between 1999 and 2001, when this move was being televised at least twice a week, pro-wrestling was huge. It had almost reached the levels of appeal it had in the mid-to-late-eighties. And, into this morass of "Attitude", in waddles Rikishi with a big dose of "Twattitude".

Then...the bookers at the WWE (then WWF) tried to make Rikishi out to be a legitimate hard man/bad guy, including the realisation that he was the one who ran "Stone Cold" Steve Austin over with a car. Seriously, if the guy's finishing move is to rub his arse in your face, how can you take him seriously as a bad guy? You can't beat up on him when your first instinct is to give him some crayons.

1: The WCW Buyout
Vince McMahon

Towards the end of the year 2000, several potential buyers were interested in the failing World Championship Wrestling (WCW). Ted Turner, still in charge of Time Warner prior to its merger with AOL, rejected most offers. Eric Bischoff made a bid to acquire the company and WCW seemed safe.

However, when one of the backers in the WCW deal backed out, Bischoff's financial backers withdrew their offer. Meanwhile, the World Wrestling Federation (now WWE) began speaking to the new AOL/Time Warner about acquiring the WCW brand. AOL/Time Warner deemed WCW wrestling to be "out of line with their image". As a result, WCW programming was canceled, leaving Vince McMahon free to acquire the trademarks, video libraries and a few contracts.

So what's wrong with that?

Well, around the time that WCW went under, WWE's other main rival, Extreme Championship Wresting (ECW), also collapsed, and rights to the name were purchased by Vince McMahon. So, aside from a few independent and regional operations, Vince McMahon and the WWE owned wrestling. A monopoly is never a good thing...

Now, the WWE had too many wrestlers and not enough shows to put them on. What's more, without any form of competition, the WWE simply didn't have to try as hard with its angles, shows, or talent. Hence, the botched "invasion", in which the WWE characters battled against the combined "might" of WCW and ECW. Then, things took a serious downturn, when Vince decided that this was what the WWE needed to give things a shot in the arm



Hogan then proceeded to destroy everyone with his leg-drop of doom, Bradshaw with his Clothesline From Hell actually took the WWE World Title, and Rikishi tried to do a Stinkface, but ended up falling backwards at the wrong moment and creating a new move. Most people stopped watching pro-wrestling, except for die-hard fans, who patiently awaited the arrival of a new promotion company that could actually give the WWE a run for its money again.

E14 Exchange

Brad: I just found a magazine at work called "American Recycler".
Rob: ...
Brad: "This country was made of unused portions of America!"
"Wow, what do you call it?"
"Canada."
Rob: My sister's going to Canada on Thursday.
Brad: Awesome, eh?

___________________________________________________

Brad: You're gay.
Rob: You're gayer.
Brad: You like babes.
*babies.
Stupid typo, totally ruined that burn.

___________________________________________________


Brad: I'm so lazy today. I've literally done nothing.
Rob: Awesome
Brad: Quite frankly, work's lucky I've bothered to put trousers on.



___________________________________________________



Rob: There's some random wool in the cupboard by my PC.
Either my sister's craft supplies have spilled over into the cupboard, or the spiders in there have started killing sheep.
Brad: Ask yourself which is more likely, and then which is more awesome. Different answers aren't they?
Rob: Wow, they are.

___________________________________________________

Brad: Have you got laid yet?
Rob: Uh...no. Weird, I felt like I had to check.
Brad: Do it faster!
Rob: Dude, I don't know if you know this, but that doesn't impress girls as much as we always hoped.

___________________________________________________

Brad: If we make them do this, can we build a Tesla Coil?




Rob: Oh dear God...yes.

Classics Revisited: Sunset Riders

In 1993 it was hard to be into cowboys. Sure, Unforgiven was great, but not really the typical Western action movie that kids from the generation previous to ours had grown up on. Every time a Bank Holiday rolled around you'd probably get High Noon, the summer hoildays usually had The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, and every Sunday had an episode of Rawhide on Channel Four, but I think that was about it. So, for high action shooting, yee-hawing and cattle-rustlin', the only option was Sunset Riders on the Sega Mega-Drive (and SNES, too, but we'll get to that Political Correctness fiasco later).

The game, set in the Wild West, revolves around two bounty hunters, Billy and Cormano, who are out to claim rewards for the most wanted outlaws in the West. At the beginning of each level the player is shown a wanted poster, showing the criminal, and the reward for stopping them. That's about it, as far as plot goes. What the fuck do you want from us? It's a 90s video game. It's this or watch The Chuckle Brothers.



The game is still surprisingly good. The action is smooth and fast. Bullet fly through the air, and there's plenty of ducking and diving to be done before you can return fire. There's horse chase sequences, running along the top of a moving train and evil Injuns to fight too (unless you played the SNES version, but we'll get to that Political Correctness fiasco later).

The only trouble is that the game doesn't really get the ambience right for the Wild West. For starters, the colour palette is all wrong. Any Wild West should be dirty yellows and browns - the colour of leather, prarie dust, horse shit and tobacco. However, one of the main player characters is this fruity little Mexican:



In all honesty, can you remember any Western movie where one of the characters was quite so...well...pink? Billy looks okay...maybe blue leather isn't historically accurate, but he'd look okay next to the cast of "Young Guns" at least. Cormano here, on the other hand, looks like...well...something of a queen, to be honest.

The sound effects have dated rather badly as well, (which you'll be able to hear in the video clip at the end, if you haven't played the game yourself). Only some of them, though. The thundering of cows hooves during the stampede sections sound fantastic. The explosions from the dynamite are great. The chugging of the train, whilst not amazing, is functional. But, and whilst I appreciate that this game is nearly twenty years old, why is the gun firing sound so shit? Rather than a percussive "bang" sound, it like the sound of someone pinging a rubber band against an empty drinks can. It's especially painful as it's the noise you'll hear most often throughout the game.

One of the things apparent in the game is how violent it is, even buy today's standards. This isn't one of those cutesy platformer games where the cute little dragon/mushroom/plumber/whatever jumps onto the monster's head, and the monster kind-of jumps sideways with a slightly concussed expression. When people are shot in the game, they fall down dead. When a player is hit by a speeding steer, they are catapulted across the screen by the impact. When a player runs into a brothel he comes out with a whore on his arm (unless you played the SNES version, but we'll get to that Political Correctness fiasco later). People are burnt, knifed, shot and thrown off moving trains. The garish colour scheme obviously makes this cartoony, but the fact remains that this is still a pretty violent game.

Ultimately, Sunset Riders has retainted its appeal. Playing it with my brother the other day, I wasn't playing it purely for nostalgia, but also for enjoyment. It's fun, it's blasty, it's violent...it's everything that a 90's video game should be, in cowboy packaging.

Unless you played the SNES version...



For those you unaware, Nintendo used to refuse to manufacture cartridges for a game, unless it met their "Nintendo Seal of Quality"; a standard that held the video games industry back from being taken seriously in much the same was a The Comics Code Authority did. Put simply, this meant that they had to "gay up" Sunset Riders in order to release it.

One of the major changes Nintendo version was completely remove the Native Americans from the Native American level, and replace them with cowboys. Your first reaction is probably "Ah, probably because it's racist.". Your second reaction is probably "Wait...why is that racist?". The simple fact is that it isn't. Cowboys and Indians fight. End of. Unless you're Nintendo.

A healthy third reaction is "Wait...isn't removing the Native Americans more racist than just leaving them in?".

Oh yeah, and they also edited out the whores kissing the cowboys, and made all the skirts and dresses on the ladies longer. And none of the cowboys drink. Cheers Nintendo. Thank God you're okay with explosions, guns and violence, otherwise this game would really suck.

Movie Review: Star Trek

Let's get this out of the way first. I'm not a Trekkie. If anything, I'm a Warsie. This isn't to say that I don't like Star Trek...as a matter of fact, I was very into Star Trek between the ages of nine and eleven, when the BBC re-ran the original series. I have seen all of the movies, probably more than half the episodes of the original series and The Next Generation, and a few episodes of those other shows that no-one really cares about. I know my Romulans from my Vulcans and my Sisko from my Janeway...but the franchise has never quite excited my passion like Star Wars has. Truncated: I like Star Trek, but I don't love it. I'll watch an episode if it happens to be on TV, but I'm not programming my hard-drive to record it all.

The new Star Trek movie - titled simply Star Trek - is that dreaded thing: a reboot of a franchise. Or is it? Well, sort of. Kind of. A little bit. Maybe.

"Rebooting" a franchise is an often done thing these days. Personally, I hate it. It's basically Hollywood's way of saying "All that shit that we were doing before? All that stuff that inspired us? Fuck that shit. Batman jumped over the shark in the Batboat one too many times, and now we want it fucking dark and early-twenty-first century. You got it? Cool. And make sure the logo on his mobile phone is in focus.".

Having now seen Star Trek , I'm still not a hundred per cent certain whether or not it's technically a re-boot. I suppose that the answer depends upon your perspective. If you're wondering "Will I be able to enjoy this film without any prior knowledge of Star Trek?", then the answer is "No". If you're wondering "Does this film destory everything I ever loved about the world's second-best science fiction franchise?", then the answer is again "No". By pure coincidence I re-watched Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan two days before seeing this movie, and I'm glad I did, because it references a few things I would otherwise have forgotten.

For obvious reasons, all of the members of the original crew have been re-cast. In fact, one of the movie's shining achievements lays in its casting direction. Every single casting choice was perfect. Chris Pine (The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement) is an excellent younger Kirk, still brash, still snogging up green alien women, and even more impetuous than the way William Shatner (Dodgeball) plays him. Zachary Quinto is a perfect younger Spock, stricter and more adhering to the codes of logic than the one we know from the TV show. Karl Urban (Ghost Ship) manages an excellent Bones McCoy, and John Cho (American Pie II) is a great Mr. Sulu. The only misfire, tragically, is Simon Pegg (Guest House Paradiso), who's performance as Scotty is as pointless as...well, as pointless as the character of Scotty ever was anyway, to be honest.



Does this movie feel like a Star Trek movie? Hell, yes. And a very good one at that. The movie moves at the correct pace, and delivers action, comedy and hard science fiction in the perfect measures to make the Star Trek cocktail. If there'd been too much comedy, it would have felt like a parody; too much action, it would have felt like Star Wars; too much hard sci-fi, and it would have lost the mass appeal that Star Trek has.

Unforunately, it's not all roses for this film. Anyone who has a passing familiarity with science fiction will feel a twitch in their gut if I mention the words "parralel universes, alternate timelines, time travel". Casual movie goers, and occasional sci-fi dabblers will go "Yeah, that's okay. Seems quite clever actually.". Those of us in the know will go "Oh. The writers have basically given themselves an out, in order to write whatever the hell they want with no regard for continuity, consistency or respect for previously established canon.". And the really strange thing is...they're both right. There's no doubt in my mind that the second perspective was the reason for doing it, but the execution falls into the first. It's dumb, and they probably should have just tried a little harder and not copped out; but it's done so cleverly, that it's really not that big a deal.

Aside from the mobile phone advert twenty minutes into the movie, one other thing really ground my gears. There was an overabundance of what I call "punch moments". "Punch moments" are those moments in a film where there's a little fore-shadowing, geeky in-joke, or other set-piece that's designed for you to turn to your friend, punch them playfully in the arm, and you both mutter, "Yeah, that's cool." Here are some examples of punch moments:

X-Men: Cyclops makes some crack about Wolverine wanting to wear yellow spandex
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones: Obi-Wan says to Anakin "Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?"
Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade: "That's the Ark of the Covenant." "You're sure?" "Pretty sure."
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - John Connor realises he's met a young Kyle Reese

Star Trek has several of these moments. The problem is, though, it doesn't just slip them in. It feels like the director is actually sat next to you in the cinema punching your arm going "It's Chekov! Get it! He's Chekov! He's awesome? Right?", or "Ha-Ha-Ha! The Kobayashi Maru test, remember? Yeah? Good thing you watchee Wrath of Khan two days ago, right? Ha-ha-ha! Look! It's Captain Pike!".

After an hour of that, it starts to grate.



The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Several explosions and space battles. One bar room brawl. One instance of someone being incinerated. Several Star Trekky type blaster and grapping fights - 8/10

Swearing: A few bastards and a bullshit. Disappointing. 3/10

Sex/Nudity: Kirk's involved, of course there's women. Unfortunately, most of them keep their clothes on. - 3/10

Other points in favour:

As mentioned earlier, the cast are fantastic.

It's nice to see Romulans in the lime-light again.

Special effects are excellent.

Winona Ryder is still lovely.

6/10

OVERALL: Is this movie good? The fact is, once they euphoria of Star Trek's return wears off, and all the media hype dies down...you'll realise that it's just an average Star Trek movie. Better than Final Frontier and Insurrection, but nowhere near First Contact, The Wrath of Khan or The Undiscovered Country. - 6/10

Thinking of buying some Star Trek movies? Why not purchase them in the Emotionally Fourteen Amazon Store? The price you pay is the same as buying from Amazon, and Amazon donate a percentage of the sales toward our hosting costs.

Song lyrics that make no sense

Oh, hello, I didn't see you come in. During the course of life as an E14 writer, you find yourself exposed to many examples of different types of media. Some are shining examples of their craft, some not so much. Others, while enjoyable, have certain elements that may seem strange and scary to people like me. This article is on the subject of the latter, songs that I will happily listen to without quite understanding what the singer is talking about.

Leonard Cohen - First We Take Manhattan

Alright, so let's begin with the 1988 Leonard Cohen hit from the album "I'm Your Man", "First We Take Manhattan". This song has been quite heavy on my rotation and my iTunes most played list for two key reasons:

1) It features on the soundtrack to the film adaptation of Alan Moore's classic graphic novel "Watchmen" (although it's not included on the official film soundtrack, and My Chemical Romance's cover of "Desolation Row" was? Where's the justice?)

2) It's bollocking awesome.

Yes, it's an awesome song, hear it for yourself:

You may have noticed the lyric to which I am referring, as it repeats throughout the song fairly often. The gist of the song is clear enough, with Cohen's protagonist considering themselves a revolutionary determined to change the world. However, his plan to take over the world seems a little short-sighted in that it consists of the following:

Yes, Leonard's plan for world domination is to take Manhattan, followed immediately by Berlin. However, Cohen neglects to mention the plan AFTER Manhattan and Berlin fall to his (presumably well-organised) private militia. Well, having said that, how organised a private militia, when concocting a plan for domination, ignores ALMOST EVERY CAPITAL CITY ON EARTH?

I happen to have a map of Leonard Cohen's battle plan. Regardez:

The song, however, is not just confusing in its main message, as exploring other lines will tell us. The earliest verse of the song is fairly straightforward and doesn't really confuse too much.

"They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom,
For trying to change the system from within."

Makes sense to me, they caught him with a chipped Playstation 2, and made him watch "Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps" repeats for twenty years. Interesting that they had twenty years of repeats in 1988, but then the people he's referring to could have been executive producers on that series. We can never know for sure, that's how I see it.

"I'm guided by this birthmark on my skin."

Unless the birthmark looks like this, it's certain that he had other inspiration:

Sex Toy Reviews

A bit of a twist on the review front for you this week.

The Fleshlight was designed by former US police officer Steve Shubin who was suffering a period of forced abstinence while his wife was in a high-risk pregnancy. He was granted a patent in 1998 for his invention, as a "device for discreet sperm collection". We're unclear on whether or not that sounds dirtier than "wank receptacle". With "device for discreet sperm collection", it's not even a hundred per cent clear that it's your own sperm you're collecting.

The Fleshlight is designed and marketed by Interactive Life Forms (ILF). The Fleshlight is named for the flesh-like material used in its inner sleeve, as well as the plastic case that houses the sleeve, which is fashioned to look like an oversized flashlight.

Here are our thoughts...

Brad: You might want to clear your Internet history when we've finished. Could be embarrassing if your Dad or your Sister finds it.
Rob: Understood.

The Pink Mouth Fleshlight - RRP £53.99



Rob: Why is it that at the same time as I understand the appeal, I can't help but think "SledgeHammer!"
Brad: "Material: Realistic Feel"...yeah, but realistic what?
Rob: I dunno...what's a face made of? Just tissue and muscle and stuff right? And obviously skin and bone.
Brad: Mucus. And Peter Gabriel, apparently.
Rob: I guess so...It says here "immerse the sleeve in hot water to add heat.". It should also add "be careful to put your dick in the fleshlight, and not the scalding water".
Brad: Do you keep it in the black plastic case whilst you're fucking it? Or is that just for concealment purposes?
Rob: I have no idea.
Brad: I appreciate this looks fun, but I'm fairly sure that I could buy a real blow job for under forty quid.
Rob: We live in Medway mate, forty quid goes a long way. Don't forget there's a recession - they probably make change. Have you read the customer reviews on this thing? It's genius!
Brad: I've seen one, but it just made me feel an overwhelming pity.
Rob: “Cons - It's bulky and quite an odd looking thing to stick your dick in”
Brad: I've been out with her...See, the problem I have, is that I think that masturbation is the only activity a man can do that looks cooler when he's doing it without some kind of tool.
Rob: Surely if you bought that, plus, as this guy did, something called a "Spartacus", you're beyond personal appearance.
Brad: You know what's sadder than buying and using one of these things? Buying and using one of these things, and having such a wonderful time with it that you write a glowing review online.
Rob: Never underestimate the power of marketing, my man. Apparently it's vanilla scented. Surely that's a bit noncy? It'd be like face-fucking someone who's just eaten a '99 Ice cream.
Brad: Which, whilst far from disagreeable, isn't really worth mentioning as a plus point, either. It's worth mentioning at this point that Fleshlight really pride themselves on their product being discreet, by disguising itself as a torch. See, if I owned one, I'd want it to look like something that no-one but me would ever touch. Ever.
Rob: Such as?
Brad: All I think here is I can see the power going out and my girlfriend picking up what she thinks is a torch to go and study the circuit breaker in the basement. Instead, she takes the safety cap off, and there's this mouth staring back at her. SAN Loss Rolls all round.
Rob: Yeah, cos that'd be pretty embarrassing, to try and switch on the torch and be told that "You could have a big dipper, going up and down around the bend!".
Brad: Sadly, my penis is probably the only thing I touch that I can guarantee no-one else would touch.
Rob: So you want...a hole that disguises itself as a penis? “Have a look at FleshParadox!”
Brad: *Miscellaneous Courtney Love Joke*. Score?
Rob: I'm gonna give it an 8, purely because it made me want to listen to Peter Gabriel. And for this customer top-tip: “The 'shoe method' is a style of hands-free Fleshlighting. Stick the narrow end of the Fleshlight into a shoe, on a flat surface, and then penetrate as you would with a partner in the missionary position.”
Brad: Accidentally picking up a d12 by mistake gives this an 11.
Rob: There's a section on here for building your own Fleshlight. Surely that's counter-productive to their business model...
Brad: The final test of any true Jedi is to build his own Fleshlight.
Rob: Oh wait, it's using their parts. I thought it was proper foraging-style construction..."Bit of cushion, toilet roll tube, then fuck it i suppose".

Pink Male Butt Speed Bump Fleshjack - RRP £44.99
Brad: They claim this is catering for the gay market, but I can't believe that for a second. The trouble lies with the scale of the thing. Those entire butt-cheeks have to fit in a torch sized canister. And there's only one type of guy who'd want to fuck something exactly the same shape and size as a baby's butt.
Rob: Why do I feel that sentence is going to end badly for me?
Brad: Nah, that's too cheap a shot for something as genuinely dark as this. Furthermore, I can't believe there's a gay guy alive who'd fuck a Fleshlight.
Rob: See, the wording of these inserts terrifies me. "Speed bump?" if you're going over 20mph with a Fleshlight, I'm amazed your cock hasn't burned away
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: I'm gonna go with a 2. I agree with you, I think gay men would actually be offended by this.
Brad: Uh, a Storm Bolter Jam Symbol out of ten for me. I really should look at what dice I'm picking up.


Pink Lady Stamina Training Unit Fleshlight - RRP £55.99




Brad: My brother used to suffer from Night Terrors when he was very small; probably about three or four years old. He'd often wake up screaming that "The Pink Lady" was back. We never knew what he meant, or what caused it.
Rob: I see where this is going
Brad: Now, the mystery can finally be laid to rest. You know, reviewing these things whilst listening to the soundtrack album from The Wicker Man is a really disconcerting experience.
Rob: I've got Manic Street Preachers on, I'm alright
Brad: It's good to know that this sex toy "Does not contain phthalates". It'd be terrible to be mobbed by some flying dinosaurs whilst your fucking a torch chassis that you've mounted in a shoe. Especially if the power then goes out and your girlfriend needs a torch.
Rob: Yeah, I'm not sure how the shoe method is any less embarassing if you're caught

"Oh, you're fucking a torch."
"No, it's a sex aid."
"Oh, right."

"Oh, you're fucking a shoe."
"No, it's a -"
"When are you moving out?"


How the hell does it train stamina anyway? Does it talk and throw 80's working out slogans at you?
Brad: Jesus. As if the flying dinosaurs, power failures and confused spouses weren't enough, you want to throw Mr Motivator into the mix as well?
Rob: I thought he was 1990s?
Brad: Possibly. I'll look him up on Wikipedia.
Rob: Christ, it's a wonder you get any work done

*time passes*

Brad: The sad thing is the he even has a Wikipedia page...
Rob: Everything does, man.
Brad: Early 90s. You were right.
Rob: It doesn't feel like a victory in the strictest sense.
Brad: I was hoping I could take the piss out of him here, but he's pretty much dedicated his life to charity work. He seems like a fucking awesome bloke.
Rob: I always got that impression.
Brad: His house is going to be investigated by Most Haunted in the summer. That's the second most awesome thing that can happen to a house.
Rob: Out of interest, what's the first?
Brad: I dunno. But my optimism refuses to let me believe that that is the coolest. Back to this sex toy, anyway. I like the way they try and market masturbation as training for sex.
Rob: Any idea what Brinksmanship is? Apparently this toy helps you practise it. I'd be happy with something that explained it to me.
Brad: I think it's a skill in Call of Cthulhu.
Rob: Ah, see, I always load up Spot Hidden.
Brad: You want to hear something even scarier than flying dinosaurs, Call of Cthulhu gags, shoe fucking and Mr Motivator?
Rob: Go on.
Brad: "Brinkmanship" is a real word. Wikipedia describes it as: "the practice of pushing a dangerous situation to the verge of disaster in order to achieve the most advantageous outcome". I'm hoping you can read between the lines to see where the Fleshlight comes in.
Rob: Yeah, but, “the verge of disaster”, though? Maybe if it's over the curtains, I guess...
Brad: Or in your girlfriend's shoe.
Rob: Well, I've always dated girls with small feet, so I found that to be an issue anyway.
Brad: Everyone has small feet compared to you.
Rob: Yeah, but I mean in general; like size 4-5.
Brad: What shoe size are you, for our readers who may not know you personally? Which in a perfect world would be the majority...
Rob: A size 15 UK, which is a European size 50 and US size 15.5.
Brad: Christopher Lee's singing to me whilst I look at sex toys. Do you have any idea how dirty that makes me feel?
Rob: You love it though, admit it.
Brad: Here's a scary customer review: "My Fleshlight is something i have been waiting for, for 50 years. I am now 66. It's the next best thing to a real woman. I've always been highly sexed.". Thanks to the wonders of the Internet...you might be related to that guy, and you would never know. Score?
Rob: I'm gonna give it a higher score than the gay bum one... 6
Brad: 2 for me.
Rob: 2? You roll the right dice this time, or flip a coin?
Brad: 1d4.

Bad Boy Prostate Vibrator - RRP £44.99





Rob: I think I've jogged carrying something like that. I thought it was just a weight, now I feel awful knowing where it's been
Brad: I love this customer review, which starts out with the line "Bought for a friend."...followed by a really in-depth review of how awesome it is.
Rob: "This thing rocks my world...I've been told"
Brad: You've bought a butt toy online, and are posting about it anonymously. There's no need to be coy by this point. "The design is based on the famous Rude Boy”. Desmond Dekker?
Rob: Ali G? Well, it looks like a cunt...
Brad: Jesus, my Wikipedia history is "Brinkmanship", "Desmond Dekker", "Prostate Massage"...Have you ever tried playing with your butt, either on your own or with a lady friend?
Rob: Let me think for a second...No.
Brad: I only ask because...Jesus, why am I asking?
Rob: I'm largely unaware.
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: It looks a bit like a 2, so let's say 2.
Brad: Uh...one Surge.
Rob: Put the fucking dice away.
Brad: Onto the Stealth!

Pink Stealth Discreet Fleshlight - RRP £53.99

Rob: Now, here's the thing: I get all the other designs, they make total sense. I cannot think of one opening on either a man or a woman that resembles the Stealth.
Brad: I can think of one.
Rob: Where is it?
Brad: The Jap's Eye, my Dear Watson.
Rob: Ahhhh... but why would you want to fuck some other guy's Jap's Eye?
Brad: This is the Internet, my Dear Watson. Have you seen the kind of shit people like out there? This is practically vanilla compared to anything the Furries like. Are they noticeably cheaper than any that look like real fannies?
Rob: Not that I can see, anyway. Surely whatever the opening looks like is moot? Even if you found the stealthiest opening possible, people will still be weirded out by the fact that your torch doesn't have...a bulb?
Brad: Would you want to fuck another man's Ja...Jesus, why am I asking?
Rob: I’m largely unaware.
Brad: Are you tempted to try any of these out?
Rob: I'd sooner exhaust any chance of fucking a real girl before I tried that, to be honest.
Brad: Okay...can I ask you serious question?
Rob: We can do serious?
Brad: What the fuck is this?

Male Edge Pro - RRP £229.99
Rob: A...catapult? Apparently it'll make your wife scream in bed after 3 months. Only because it costs two hundred and thirty quid she could have spent on shoes.
Brad: Yeah, but you only ruin them with the Fleshlight thing anyway. Not that she’ll ever know...because you've got... STEALTH!

Brad: Yeah, we can't show a picture of this one, so here, is a most definitely NSFW link. Rob...your thoughts...

Pratt Penetrator Sound Set - RRP £95.00

NOT SAFE FOR WORK

Rob: Oh my god, I winced quicker than ever before!
Brad: Suddenly, fucking a Jap's Eye doesn't seem so strange anymo...what am I saying...of course it does.
Rob: Arrgh!
Brad: You okay?
Rob: Pins and needles in my leg... better than a tuning fork in the cock, though.
Brad: You don't see the appeal of it, then?
Rob: Not at all! Why would you do that to yourself? I wouldn't even let the hot redhead at the top of the page do that to me!
Brad: Gaaah!
Rob: You okay?
Brad: No, I just looked at the picture again.
Rob: Ah.
Brad: Someone reading this is aroused by it, though. We're on the Internet.
Rob: Yeah, you enjoying this, ya freaks?!
Brad: I'm gonna try and find something even weirder...Wow, that didn't take long, did it?

The Houdini Chastity Cage - RRP £105.00

NOT SAFE FOR WORK

Rob: The penis appears to be damp at the end, haha, how embarass...what am I saying? He's locked his penis in a cage.
Brad: Anyone who puts on, allows one of these devices to be put on, has not considered two little words - “Morning Wood”. Would you wear one of...Jesus, what's wrong with me tonight?

Fleshlights are not available in the Emotionally Fourteen Store...but go shopping there anyway!

The E14 Exchange

This is a genuine exchange of messages that have passed between Brad and I recently across all media, such as SMS and Facebook (images have been digitally mastered - meaning added in).

Brad - Have you ever noticed how much Samantha Ronson looks like Hayden Christensen?

Rob - I can't even remember what Samantha Ronson looks like. I'm guessing by the fact that you felt the need to text me that, somewhat like Hayden Christensen.

Rob: Ok, after looking it up, whoever she looks like, she's fugly.

Brad: She's actually attractive in the new Eminem video. They

achieve this by having someone else play her.

Rob: That explains that, then.

_____________________________________________

Brad: Try and think of things more awesome than Star Wars. It's harder than you think.

(10 minutes pass)

Rob: The Empire Strikes Back?

Brad: Can't do it can you? I tried for half an hour, and all I could come up with was Thrawn.

_____________________________________________

Rob (Facebook status update): Rob has a middle name he's happy with, and thus doesn't see why people keep adding in new ones that obviously aren't their real middle names...

Brad: Is this some kind of new fashion? I can't say I've noticed it. I am going to change my name, though. Too many dickasses from my wasted teenage years are finding me.

Rob: I have a couple of friends on my list who've done it.

Brad: Yeah, but you collect berks.

Rob (Facebook status update): Rob collects berks.

_____________________________________________

Brad: You know this furore over Air Force One flying low over Manhattan?

Rob: Yeah...

Brad: I just had to explain to someone in my work why the army didn't just shoot down the plane.

Rob: Wow, that's...wow...

_____________________________________________

Brad - We need to build a Tesla Coil.

Rob - You always fucking say that.