EMOTIONALLY FOURTEEN

Movie Reviews: Star Wars - Episode 1: The Phantom Menace 3D

2012-02-09T12:00:00.024Z

Star Wars - Episode One: The Phantom Menace (3D)
Starring: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson
Lucasfilm/20th Century Fox
In Cinemas Now
Review by Rob Wade

For the select few who are taking this opportunity to immerse themselves in the most important franchise in cinema history for the first time, I'll give you a brief run down of the story. The Phantom Menace deals with the story of Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, two Jedi sent to resolve a trade dispute on a ship orbiting the planet Naboo. They are involved in a scuffle with some robots shortly thereafter, and uncover a dastardly plan by the Trade Federation to occupy the planet forcibly in order to force through a new trade treaty. Taking the ruler of Naboo to safety, our heroes make a forced stop on the planet Tatooine, where they meet Anakin Skywalker, a boy whose destiny will forever change the course of the galaxy...

Pretty good, eh? I should totally write those blurbs on the back of DVDs. Anyway, 95% of you (give or take, 97% at a push) aren't looking to get the plot summarised for them (albeit masterfully). What most of you want to know is simple: Is the 3D conversion a good one, and is it worth seeing at the cinema, despite being an oft-maligned film in the Saga? I've got my feelings on 3D in cinema, and ultimately it boils down to the fact that films made since the advent of 3D play up to it, and deliberately shoot certain scenes in certain ways knowing that they will play out in a different way in 3D. The prospect, therefore, of seeing something that wasn't created specifically with a 3D showing in mind, was an intriguing one, and along with fellow E14er Omer, I vowed to check it the fuck out.

In short, I got one of those flutters that people talk about when speaking about classic movie moments. Usually it's actors making moving acceptance speeches when accepting things like Academy Awards and so on, but cinema does have that ability to give chills when done well. It's the feeling I got seeing The Phantom Menace for the first time in 1999, and it's the feeling I got at points in the 3D version.

First of all, if you've never had a chance to see a Star Wars film at the cinema on the big screen, you should most definitely take it. The picture looks incredible at the best of times, the sound is outstanding (and despite home cinema systems being of really high quality nowadays, it's still not the same) and the atmosphere in general is something pretty special. Ok, maybe it helps to have Anthony Daniels introduce the film like our showing, but nonetheless it's still an awesome experience.

Now, as it pertains to the 3D, it's much like many 3D conversions in that it's not 100% successful in every single scene. It has to be said that unlike Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, the movie didn't suffer from tremendous amounts of motion blur during fast-moving scenes, and this was particularly noticeable during the lightsaber battles, with even the most acrobatic action-packed scenes being displayed clearly. Maybe it has to do with laser swords rather than cutlasses. Who knows?

With regards to which scenes work really well, frequent viewers of the movie may not be surprised to know that the pod racing sequences look incredible in 3D motion, especially during crashes and pod racers passing each other. The space battles also look really good, although at times the 3D doesn't really do much. What was surprising was how good other random scenes looked. All the scenes involving the Gungans, particularly those which occur underwater, looked absolutely breathtaking, and the bongo sequence underwater looked great in motion.

Probably the best thing about this conversion is that it doesn't make any scene worse at all, but there are scenes which have little niggles as a result of either the 3D or necessary digital conversion. A lot of the forest scenes give the viewer the distinct impression that the scenes were filmed against a green screen, maybe due to the edges being just a little too defined. It's minor gripes only, however, as overall the film is not only great to see on the big screen again, but probably the first 3D conversion I've known of that feels organic.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Lightsaber battles, space battles and Ray Park getting cut in half.
Sex/Nudity: Not on screen. I had a Portman/Knightley thing going on in my head, but...nothing on screen, no.
Swearing: None.
Summary: An excellent 3D conversion, and a fantastic opportunity to get that 'movie magic' feeling. 9/10

Second Opinion: Omer Ibrahim: Overall, I really enjoyed it. The picture was nice and crisp, not dark, but it didn't take my breath away like some 3D-designed movies. The addition of CG Yoda was a nice touch, and the extended podrace sequence was really good. That said, the 3D could have really added to the big lightsaber fight, and I didn't feel like it did so much. I'm going to go with 8/10.

Troll Hunter Giveaway

2012-01-08T12:00:00.008Z

To celebrate the 9th January UK DVD and Blu-ray release of monster hit Troll Hunter we are offering one winner the chance to win an extremely limited edition money can't buy exclusively designed Troll Hunter t-shirt and a copy of Troll Hunter on Blu-ray! One runner up will also win a limited edition Troll Hunter t-shirt!

This “original and highly assured fusion of B-movie lore and fairytale terror” (The Hollywood Reporter) combines the vision of Where The Wild Things Are with the faux-documentary, found-footage stylings of Cloverfield, REC and The Blair Witch Project to produce an “enormously entertaining” (Variety) and suspense-filled creature feature that The Daily Star rated as 'one of the finest monster movies ever“ and Total Film described as being “like David Attenborough taking a stroll into Roald Dahl’s brain.” ”Troll Hunter is Magnificent" (Jonathan Ross).

TROLL HUNTER bursts it's way on to DVD & Blu-ray on 9th January 2012 (Momentum Pictures).

For your chance of winning, send your answer, name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Sunday 22nd January, making sure to put "Troll Hunter" as the subject. The first correct entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive the top prize, with one runner-up also receiving a t-shirt!

Don't forget to put "Troll Hunter" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Arena Giveaway

2012-01-07T12:00:00.001Z

Rising star Kellan Lutz (Twilight series, Nightmare on Elm Street) and the inimitable Samuel L. Jackson (Pulp Fiction, The Avengers) face off in the action-packed, visually stunning thrill ride ARENA, available on Blu-ray™ and DVD this January 9 courtesy of Sony Pictures Home Entertainment and to celebrate we’ve got 3 copies of the Blu-ray to give-away!

How do you make a fortune from the bloodlust of millions? One sadistically savvy businessman (Samuel L. Jackson) has created an empire with his brutal, fight-to-the-death gladiator website. His newest warrior is David Lord (Kellan Lutz), a kidnapped fireman, now imprisoned and forced to fight for his life. To buy his freedom, Lord agrees to do a series of lethal bouts…

To be in with a chance of winning, simply answer the following question – Arena star Kellan Lutz is best known for what series of films?

a) The Lord of the Rings
b) The Twilight Saga
c) Transformers

Arena is out on Blu-ray™ and DVD January 9 2012.

For your chance of winning, send your answer, name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Saturday 21st January, making sure to put "Arena" as the subject. The first three correct entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome Blu-ray!

Don't forget to put "Arena" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

© 2011 Sony Pictures Worldwide Acquisitions Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Whisper of the Heart Giveaway

2012-01-06T12:00:00.003Z

From the creators of Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle and Ponyo.

Shizuku learns that Seiji dreams of one day taking up his craft in Italy, while he encourages her to write. Although their dreams may eventually lead them to very different places, Shizuku and Seiji vow to be true to the strong bond between them. Teenage Shizuku has a passion for books and plans to spend her last summer holiday in junior high school reading in the library and translating popular foreign music into Japanese. But her plans are disrupted when she discovers that the same name, Seiji Amasawa, appears on each of the books she borrows. One day while riding the train, she encounters a mysterious cat who will eventually lead her to the shop where Seiji works as a trainee violin-maker.

Thanks to our friends at Optimum Home Entertainment, we've got three copies of Whisper of the Heart on Blu-ray Triple Play to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Friday 20th January, making sure to put "Whispers of the Heart" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome Blu-ray!

Don't forget to put "Whisper of the Heart" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Whisper of the Heart is available from Monday 9th January, courtesy of Optimum Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Witchville Giveaway

2012-01-05T12:00:00.002Z

Prince Malachi (Luke Goss) is forced to take on the role of King after his father dies suddenly. He returns to a land that has been overthrown by a coven of witches lead by the Red Queen. In order to save his kingdom he must fight their darkness and bring them to defeat.

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment UK, we've got two copies of Witchville on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Thursday 19th January, making sure to put "Witchville" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Witchville" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Witchville is available from Monday 9th January, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment UK.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

DVD Reviews - Burn Notice

2011-12-19T12:00:00.009Z

Burn Notice: Season 4

Starring: Jeffrey Donovan, Gabrielle Anwar, Bruce Campbell
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment
Available from 26/11/11 on DVD
Review by Rob Wade

Michael Weston is a blacklisted spy who finds himself stranded in sun-soaked Miami. Season 4 commences with a new counterintelligence expert who loves to fight bad guys just as much as Michael does. Completing the team with the undercover agent are Fiona, an ex-IRA operative, and Sam, ex-military intelligence muscle (played by E14 favourite Bruce Campbell).

As someone who hadn't given a second thought to a number of series passing me by, this was always one of the ones in peripheral vision, mainly because of the presence of Bruce Campbell on my Twitter feed, where a bunch of people praise him endlessly for his presence in the series. Campbell is certainly a highlight, but the premise of the series is strong in itself, a mix of 007 and The A-Team with Weston's team taking on work as mercenaries for people in need. The casting in the series is one of the strongest points of the show, with all the players in Weston's team a perfect fit for their roles.

One of the nice things about the series is that the team have a flexible moral agenda, only concerning themselves with what they need to do to get the job done for their client, whoever that may be. Along with this episode format, the series also has a side-plot with Michael trying to tie up loose ends from the previous season. Although this plot is interesting, what's good is that this plot isn't too saturated through the story, and the cast performing each task changes up every episode to keep it fresh.

If there's one complaint to be made of this series, it's that sometimes the show can be a victim of one of its strongest features. The writing in the series is strong as hell, and some of the one-liners are pure gold. However, at times it almost feels like the dialogue is too fast for its own good, with characters zinging lines artificially fast sometimes. On the other hand, Bruce Campbell FTW. Oh, and there's an episode starring Burt Reynolds for additional win.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Guns, car chases and so on. Typical spy movie fare in many ways.
Sex/Nudity: Lots of bikini-clad attractive women.
Swearing: "Son of a bitch" is probably the strongest term on show.
Summary: One of the most refreshing and original series I've seen in some time. 9/10

Dickass DM

2011-12-11T12:00:00.000Z

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Joe Dever gamebook Freeway Warrior II: Mountain Run. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Brag Phoenix.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!

Brad: With trepidation, the colony agrees to your plan and the convoy is drawn up into its break-out formation. Pete Tyler's tow truck leads the way.

MCSPINDLE: ...which actually makes a nice change.
Brag: We're scouting from the rear this time? That's unusual...

Brad: The convoy is travelling at break-neck speed as it passes through the blazing ruins of Allamore and enters the pass beyond.
Rob: Sounds like how people play Scouts on Battlefield: Bad Company 2
Brad: Sweat trickles down you face as the ominous peak of Slaughter Mountain looms out of the smoke, and you witnes the vicious battle taking place on its lower slopes. The bodies of slain Mavericks and Mexicans lie at the side of the freeway, tangled among the smoking remains of motorcycles and trucks once loaded with looted provisions. Small groups of desperate men are waging bitter hand-to-hand battles among this carnage, whilst others blaze away with automatic weapons, hiding in their foxholes dug by hand from the barren, stony soil. The arrival of the convoy brings a lull in the fighting.
Rob: LULLZ.
Brad: Some turn their guns on you and a hail of bullets begins to take either side of the colony vehicles. The tow truck approaches a bend in the freeway, and, as it turns, you see a Maverick kneeling at the side of the road with a missile launcher perched on his shoulder.

Alcatraz: SUCK MY ROCKET POWERED EXPLOSIVO DEATH, BRAG!
Brag: Shit.

Brad: He has you in his sights! The only way you can hope to avoid being hit by the missile is by taking evasive action immediately.
Rob: Then that's what I plan to do!
Brad: You swerve to the right to avoid the speeding missile and your swift reactios save you from receiving a direct hit. The armour-tipped projectile burrows into the ground close to your rear wheel, and the resultant explosion buffets your trunk and sends the BragWagon into a skid.

MCSPINDLE: *Punch-Drunk Light Comes On*

Brad: Desperately you fight to regain control as you slide off the freeway and career towards a deep gully.
Rob: Lately I feel like my career's going towards a deep gully.
Brad: With seconds to spare, you steer your roadster away from the brink of disaster. Your rear tyres spin along the edge of the gully, kicking up great clouds of stones and dust before they grip and propel you back on to the freeway. In your mirror you see the convoy coming under small-arms fire, but it is light and sporadic and it claims no victims. Soon you are all safely out of the battle zones and racing away from the Slaughter Mountain run towards Sierra Blanca. It comes as a relief to discover that the town of Sierra Blanca is deserted.
Here the convoy haltes to assess the damage and treat those who were wounded during the run.
Cutter is among those who need treatment, having stopped a bullet in his left forearm.

MCSPINDLE: ...with his grammar.

Brad: However, although you can tell his is in considerale pain, he does his best to hide it. Kate greets you with a kiss that leaves you in no doubt how pleased she is to see you alive and in one piece.
Rob: Which piece is she excited about?
Brad: Together you go to the school bus for some food and water, and while you are there, you listen to Pop Ewell as he tries to make radio contract with the WDL unit in El Paso.
Rob: Do I *take* any water with me?

MCSPINDLE: Good luck. All I've been getting is Galaxy New Radio.

Brad: No.
After several attempts, he manages to raise them, but they refuse to acknowledge his call unless he gives a WDL security call sign, a sort of radio password that will prove he is not a clansman trying to trick his way into the city stronghold.

Pop: Brag, will you go an' fetch Sergeant Haskell? I think we'll be needin' his help to solve this.
Brag: Sounds like a plan, Stan.

Brad: Segeant Haskell is only too willing to speak to his command unit at El Paso. He gives his call sign - Palmito Four Zero - and as soon as it is confirmed as valid, the El Paso garrison relays news of what is happening in their area.

Brag: Right, Palmito Four Zero, now we know in case he gets killed...

Brad: Parts of the city and the military reserve are under siege from HAVOC-led Mexican clansmen. They warn that Fabens is a Mexican base, and they they have barricaded the east freeway approach to that town. In closing, they tell you to contact them again if you make it through Fabens. They do not sound very optimistic.

Brag: Well fuck you, pessimists! We're going to turn those frowns upside-down!

Brad: News of the radio contaact with El Paso is relayed to the rest of the convoy. It is decided that the barricade at Fabens should be scouted before any attempt at a breakthrough is made. As convoy scout, the mission automatically falls to...

MCSPINDLE: Rickenbacker!
Brag: Let's hope!

Brad: ...you, but in the view of the increased danger you are likely to face, Sergeant Haskell volunteers to accompany you.

Brag: Oh, good. Fodder.

Brad: With Sergeant Haskell beside you, you drive out of Sierra Blanca, heading West on Interstate 10. A few miles later, you see a forest of strange plants growing on either side of the freeway. They are ten to twenty feet high, with stiff, spiky leaves and topped with white, bell-like flowers.

Sgt Haskell: Those are Yuccas.
Brag: I don't give a Fucca. Wait, how have they survived?
Sgt Haskell: They must be good at adapting to their new environment. That's the key to survival, Brag. We all have to adapt if we are to survive.
Brag: Being ten to twenty feet tall? I'll say...

Brad: You keep the BragWagon at a steady sixty miles per hour until the ruins of Fort Hancock loom into view. Like Sierra Blanca, this town is deserted, having been looted by the Mexicans months ago. Sergeant Haskell radios back to the convoy to tell them that the town is safe to enter. When they arrive, you continue towards Fabens to scount the barricade.

Brag: I love scouting. I'd have to, wouldn't I?

Brad: You are less than three miles from Fort Hancock when you see a vehicle approaching on the highway ahead. Rather than run the risk of a head-on confrontation, you pull your car off the freeway and hide it among the yuccas. As the vehicle grows nearer, you see that it is a military truck, loaded with munitions, and manned by a group of Mexican clansmen. Both you and Sergeant Haskell realise that if this truck is allowed to reach Fort Hancock, it could destroy the colony's hopes of ever seeing El Paso.
Rob: I aim a single bullet at the fuel tank!
Brad: You know that you must prevent the truck from reaching Fort Hancock, and the only sure way to do that it is to ambush it. You leave the roadster and take up a position at the edge of the freeway. When the truck is twenty yards away, Sergeant Haskell opens fire at its tyres with his machine pistol. The bullets explode the tyres, causing the driver to lose control and run the truck into the freeway crash barrier.

Brag: Yeah! In your fuckin' face!

Brad: It hits a broken section of the barrier at speed and is tipped on to its side, spilling its cargo and crew across the highway. Only four of the Mexicans survive the crash: the drive and three others, who were riding in the back. Sergeant Haskell and yourself despatch the clansmen with a volley of well-aimed shots before taking a closer look at what they were transporting.
Rob: This is where I find out I killed children.
Brag: You discover several crates and lockers filled with munitions: mortars, anti-tank weapons, heavy machine guns and the like. However, you cannot find any ammunition for these weapons. You are about to set fire to the truck, to prevent the weapons from falling into the the hands of other clansmen, when you discover one item that could be of some use after all.

MCSPINDLE: Is it a vampire weasel?

Brad: In a sealed locker at the bottom of the heap, you discover a portable Leviathan ground-to-air missile, a weapon with approximately eight times the destructive power of a bazooka.

MCSPINDLE: YES! We are going to FUCK Rickenbacker's shit UP!
Brag: I don't think we should be using it on allies...

Brad: Do you with to keep the Leviathan missile? It will have a -2 penalty to your Stealth all the time you're carrying it, due to its size.
Rob: Yeah, I guess I should. I already have no stealth anyway, might as well be heavily armed as I do it.
Brad: You'll need to throw away something first, as you are overburdened.

Brag: I am overburdened.
MCSPINDLE: What?

Rob: Chuck the Geiger Counter. I haven't heard it go off ONCE, and we're in a fucking nuclear wasteland!
Brad: You start your car and steer it back on to the freeway towards Fabens. Ten minutes later, you see the town in the distance, and once more you hide the BragWagon in the yucca forest before going forward to scout the clan-held town.

MCSPINDLE: You're trying to tell me something...

Brad: A formidable barricade has been thrown across the freeway approach. It consists of auto wrecks filled with earth and broken chunks of concrete, stacked three deep. It would be virtually impossible for the convoy to break through the barrier. On the perimeter of the town, the Mexicans have dug pits to entrap any vehicles attempting to bypass the barricade. It looks hopeless, but if you are to reach El Paso, you must find a way through this freeway defence.

Brag: They've put a freeway in the way? What, at ninety degrees or something?

Brad: After observing the barricade at some length, Sergeant Haskell evolves a plan to blow a hole in it that is large enough to allow the convoy through in its entirety. You return to Fort Hancock and inform the colony of the plan. Then a message is sent to El Paso, requesting that they be ready and waiting to receive you once you break through. Uncle Jonas hands you a Signal Flare to use once the breach has been blown. You tell the others to watch for your flare.
Brad: When they see it, they are to start their engines, drive through the Fabens barricade in break-out formation and not stop until they reach El Paso. Having briefed the colony, you return to Sergeant Haskell on the freeway outside Fabens.

Brag: Once I shoot this, they'll come running. I'm pointing to the flare, right?
Sgt Haskell: That's great. Now all we need to do is open up the gate and let 'em go! [taking the Leviathan from you] This should open the gate nice and wide!

Brad: He settles himself into position at the edge of the freeway.

Sgt Haskell: Stand clear!
Brag: Hey, I sacrificed my Geiger Counter for that...

Brad: Haskell releases the trigger mechanism and sends the HE missile screaming towards the centre of the barricade.

Brag: Is there the slightest risk that they'll mistake *that* for the flare?

Brad: There is a brilliant flash followed by a thunderous explosion that rips a wide hole in the centre of the barricade. Those clansmen who have survived the blast run in confusion as the hot remnants of their mighty wall rain down on their heads. Haskell fires the flare, and within a few minutes the convoy appears, thundering along the freeway with the tow truck in the lead. You climb back into your BragWagon and follow in their wake as they stream through the shattered barricade and on towards El Paso unchallenged.

MCSPINDLE: Oh...HE'S the hero. I was wondering when he was going to turn up.

Brag: Works for me, we're just effective scouts.

Brad: You receive a warm welcome from the WDL troops, who are defending the city and the military reserve. Then you celebrate the success of your mission and your bold defeat of the Mexican clansmen at the Fabens barricade.

Brag: Those muchachos never stood a chance!

Brad: You have indeed earned the right to celebrate, for you have freed Kate from her abductors and reached El Paso, thereby achieving everything you set out to do when you left Big Spring one week ago.
Rob: All in all, 100% successful trip!
Brad: The celebrations continue in El Paso for several days until the victorious mood is soured by the arrival of Mad Dog Michigan, and an army of clansmen over a thousand strong.
Rob: Uh-oh.
Brad: He has persuaded the Mexicans to join his cause and now they surround El Paso with a ring of steel. Mad Dog has promised to avenge the death of his brother.

Brag: Remind me? I killed a *lot* of people.

Brad: Now he reaffirms that vow and delivers the additional threat that neither you, nor any of your colony, will ever get out of El Paso alive. For you, Brag Phoenix, the chance to defy Mad Dog Michigan's threat and continue your life or death journey to California...awaits you in the next book.
Which terrifyingly probably won't hit the site until at least early 2012.
Rob: Jesus.

Dickass DM

2011-12-09T12:00:00.000Z

Brad: Anxiously you expect an ambush to take place at any time, but, despite your fears, an attack does not materialise. At length, the stores and houses of Van Horn appear on the road ahead. The town looks deserted but you decide to take no chances. You bring the convoy to a halt within a mile of the town limits and, accompanied by Sgt Haskell, you leave the BragWagon and enter on foot to check that the place is safe for the convoy to pass through.
Rob: I keep forgetting these people.
Brad: The tumbledown buildings are deathly quiet as you walk along the main street of Van Horn, and you notice nothing out of the ordinary until you reach a bar near the centre of town. A motorcycle is parked beside the entrance, its fuel tank emblazoned with the ace of spades emblem of the Mavericks clan. You deicide to search the bar and, if possible, try to capture and question the bike's owner. Haskell suggests that it would be a good idea if one of you were to enter by the rear door and you nod your agreement.

Brag: I prefer to enter by the rea....I got the back door!

Brad: You enter an alley that runs alongside the bar, and make your way to the rear door.

MCSPINDLE: [on CB] Wa-hey!

Brad: Through a cracked glass panel you can see the kitchens. They are empty, but remnants of food lie scattered across the tables and, judging by the amount of fresh garbage strewn on the floor, a large group of clansmen must have eaten here not so long ago. You test the handle and discover that the door is unlocked.

Brag: Ergh, they left their wrappers everywhere, don't they know there are no staff to clean this up anymore?

Brad: You turn the handle and gently push open the door. You have taken but one step into the kitchen when a large glass storage jar falls from a shelf above your head and smashes down on your unprotected skull.

Brag: Argh!

Brad: Wincing from the pain of your wound, you notice that the jar was attached by a thin cord to the inside handle of the door: it had been placed there deliberately. Not only have you lost some blood, but this primitive trap may also have lost you the element of surprise. With your nerves on edge, you advance through the kitchen and into the bar beyond.

Brag: Unless it was a bungee-jumping jar, and I destroyed its only source of fun.

Brad: As you enter, you whisper Haskell's name in case, in the darkened interior, he mistakes you for a clansman.
Rob: Or maybe I'm hoping he's got the horn.
Brad: Suddenly there is a bang and a muzzle flash illuminates the far corner of the bar. You throw yourself at the floor immediately, but you are not swift enough to avoid being clipped in the thigh by a 9mm bullet.

Brag: Jukebox Attack!
MCSPINDLE: Over a CB this is hilarious!

Brad: Seconds later Haskell bursts into the bar and fires three shots into the corner.
Rob: Wait, so a bullet only did one point more damage than a glass jar?
Brad: There is a loud groan followed almost immediately by the sound of a heavy body falling off a chair. He rushes to your side and, using his own Medi-Kit, staunches your would with a sulphonamide pad and a bandage. Once he is sure you are not seriously injured, he goes to take a look at who he has shot. Clutching your wounded leg, you hobble after the sergeant and find him in the corner of the bar, kneeling besides a clansman who is bleeding from a chest wound.
You also notice that the man's leg is set in splints, as if recently broken, and that the leather jacket he wears is marked with the Maverick ace-of-spades symbol.
Haskell lifts his head from the floor and asks him what he is doing here. Stubbornly, the dying clansman refuses to answer.

Brag: Isn't it obvious? He's Maverick AceofSpades! Ol' Broken Leg!

Rob: I use a medi-kit to treat his wound. I feel that this will benefit us long-term. A small price to pay for something that could lead to our untimely death!
Brad: While you do your best to staunch the bleeding, Haskell continues to question the Maverick. Finally on the brink of death, the clansman changes his mind and begins to speak. He says that he is a Maverick outrider, a scout, once of a large group sent here to ambush the Big Spring colony. While drunk, he fell off his bike and broke his leg.

Brag: Burn.

Brad: Unable to ride, his fellow scouts left him here with the promise that he would be collected when they returned. His group are fighting a Mexican clan near Sierra Blanca.
Isn't he in Street Fighter II?
He says that the Mexicans are trying to steal their supplies. Haskell asks him about Mad Dog Michigan, but he refuses to answer. A trickle of blood escapes from his lips and, with his dying breath, he says:

Maverick Aceofspades: Mad Dog'll make sure you never get through...
Brag: How did he die?!
Sgt Haskee: If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was the massive shotgun wound in his chest.
Brag: Oooh, alright, *Doctor* Haskell!

Brad: You leave the bar and return to the convoy to tell the colony what has happened. After considering the likelihood of running into a Maverick ambush on the way to Sierra Blanca, probably in the narrow pass that separates Slaughter Mountain from Devil Ridge, the maps are consulted.

MCSPINDLE: Consult the bones, too! Luddites.

Brad: A proposal is put forward by Sgt Haskell that the convoy detours north, across the Salt Lakes to Cornudas, and approach El Paso on Highway 62. It looks like the safest route to follow and it is soon agreed. The convoy is turned around and you lead it north, but you have not travelled very far when you see something on the road ahead that forces another change of plan. You have reached the place where the highway passes through the Finlay mountains, and from this high point you have a commanding view over the valley and salt lakes beyond.

MCSPINDLE: Why do I sense that giving you a 'commanding' anything is a really dumb idea?

You stop to survey the scene and, to your horror, you see a hige group of clansmen riding across the valley, heading towards Van Horn.

Brag: They've got the Van Horn!

Brad: With your pulse racing, you raise the binoculars to your eyes and focus on the approaching bikers. They ride machines bedecked with a strange symbol; a priest or some other holy man, dressed in flowing white robes, with a halo above his head. It looks like a curiously pious sybol for a clan to adopt, until you remember that before The Day, the name of the professional football team based in New Orleans was 'The Saints'.

MCSPINDLE: Thank God it's not a fudge factory in Green Bay, Wisconsin, huh?

Brad: Suddenly you realise that that his pack of riders, some 400-500 strong, are the New Orleans clan that Mad Dog Michigan sent for. It would be disastrous for the convoy to run head on into a group of this size, and you hurry back to the colony as quickly as you can to break the bad news. With the New Orleans clan approaching from the north, a large Mexican clan crossing the border to the south, and the threat of a Maverick ambush to the west, the prospects of reaching El Paso unscathed now look decidedly unpromising.

MCSPINDLE: I saw we lock and load.
Brag: Well, you're a car. You don't have a soul. And it's a good thing too, otherwise it'd be tainted with murder.
MCSPINDLE: Actually, I think, therefore I am. Suck my Descartes.
Brag: Murderer...
MCSPINDLE: Do you want me to tell everyone about the 'specialist' porn you keep in the glovebox? I thought not. Let's have no more of this 'murderer' nonsense.
Brag: Hey, I'm proud of liking nurses.
MCSPINDLE: Yeah, but THESE nurses?
Brag: All right, all right, no need to get your head-gasket homicidal.
MCSPINDLE: Good. Then I won't tell whatshertits about 'Pregnant and Triaj'. Among other
titles.
Brag: You leave whatsertits out of this!

Brad: With no time to discuss the situation at length, the colony reverts to the original plan: to stay on Interstate 10 and approach El Paso from the west. It is the shortest, most direct route, even though there is a very real chance of falling prey to a Maverick ambush.

Brag: Especially as we killed him. Wait...is there more than one?

Brad: A cloud of fearful anticipation hangs over the colony as it passes through Van Horn and begins the journey to Sierra Blanca. You feel especially vulnerable as the freeway approaches the narrow mountain pass between Devil Ridge and Slaughter Mountain. Even the names of these landmarks serve to increase your dread of what could happen there. You are a little over five miles from Van Horn when you hear gun fire in the distance, and see a pall of black smoke rising into the cloudless sky. At its base, the buildings of a tiny town called Allamore are feeding the flames, and in the pass beyond this burning town, a gun battle is raging between the Mavericks and a group of invading Mexican clansmen.
You assess the situation and decide that the best hope for the convoy lies in speed and surprise.

Brag: Right, let's take some speed and act surprised!

Brad: If you can drive straight through this battle zone while both sides are busy shooting at each other, the convoy will be long gone before either side can redirect all its firepower.

MCSPINDLE: Now there's a plan Cutter can get behind.
Brag: Or at least molest grammatically.

Gaming Reviews

2011-12-08T12:00:00.003Z

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations

Ubisoft
Available now on PS3 (Version Tested), Xbox 360, PC)
Review by Blake Harmer

Fans of shanking people in the face with hidden blades rejoice! Assassin’s Creed: Revelations is here to bring a close to Ezio’s Saga and keep us sated until the next game introduces the next of Desmond’s anti-Templar ancestors. However, the main reason for rejoicing is that this isn’t just a cheap rehashing of Brotherhood with more missions but actually brings new experiences to the table making this one of the best Assassin’s Creed games yet.

Following on immediately from the events of Brotherhood the plot follows Desmond trying to piece together Altair and Ezio’s secrets in order to awaken from being stuck in a coma in the Animus and learn more about the pieces of Eden. If you don’t understand this sentence, then this game is not for you. Revelations requires you to have a thorough grounding in the previous games to actually have a chance at understanding the plot (which is now beginning to reach Metal Gear Solid levels of complexity it seems), but hey what do you expect from the fourth game in a series? This is a shame, as from a gameplay perspective; this is probably the strongest game in the series.

Revelations makes sure to deliver rather than being a cheap update of Brotherhood in several ways. Firstly, Ezio’s new tool, the hook blade adds huge amounts of depth to your free running, making it more fluid and allowing you access pretty much anywhere in the game with grace and ease. Secondly, Ezio’s second new ability to make bombs adds a lot more strategy to the gameplay and isn’t as gimmicky as it first sounded when it was announced. For example, you can use bombs to cause distractions without killing nearby people to lure Templars away, but they can also be used for destruction or to escape as well depending on what you use to create them.

Finally, pretty much all of what made Brotherhood great has been tweaked and improved upon. For example, Templar Towers have now been replaced by dens, which can be attacked and reclaimed by the Templars should you bring too much attention to yourself. Defending these spots are done through the use of a tower defence style mini games which are surprisingly well created and just as addictive as the likes of Plants vs. Zombies. Also, navigating the city is easier by having most of the tunnels unlocked from the off which is a godsend considering how big the game’s sandbox is.

At the end of the day, there are a few niggles with Revelations that still need addressing. Free running can still end up having you do a sort of leap of faith when the speed picks up which still means you may end falling and losing lots of health at an important moment, and I thought some of the boundaries for the missions could have been clearer, especially as in one mission I was desynchronised for running ten metres away from the guy I was protecting even though I was doing so to off a guard. But that said these niggles are minor and don’ really detract from the overall enjoyment of the game, and seeing there have been so many improvements to the game, this is a fitting swan song to end Ezio’s story and get us ready for the next full sequel to the series.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: The games have always been gorgeous, but Revelations, especially with its new eastern locales, looks stunning.
Gameplay: Improved sword play along with the addition of bomb crafting, tower defence style mini games and the new hook blade improving free running make this the best Assassin’s Creed yet.
Lasting Appeal: A long story, side quests and loads of collectables means that purists will be at this for hours before they reach 100%, and that’s not including the new Improved online mode.
Summary: Whilst the uninitiated will be left confused by the plot, devotees to the series will enjoy one of the best Assassin’s Creed games yet. Sure there are still a couple of slight niggles here and there, but this is still a great game and a superb final bow for Ezio. 9/10

Dickass DM

2011-12-04T12:00:00.000Z

Brad: You step away from the clansman's body and run to where Kate is standing.

Brag: Get clear of them! I'm on a roll!

Brad: She looks a little shell-shocked but is otherwise unharmed, and together you return to the front of the service area in time to see the sole surviving Detroit Lion making a speedy escape back along the freeway. Sgt Haskell and his men cheer his retreat, then conduct a search of those who did not get away. Although few personal possessions are found, they do recover some weapons and ammo and you are offered a choice from the following:

Machine Pistol
Pistol
12 x 99 mm ammo
2 x 7.62 mm ammo
5 x 12 gauge ammo
+2 Knife

Brad: You want any of that?
Rob: Nope.
Brad: While the sergeatna and his men dispose of the bodies...

Sgt Haskell: Nom-nom-nom...

Brad: ...you return to the gasolene storage tank and set to work on cracking its security code.
Rob: I do *not* like my chances.
Brad: You examine the three dials that are set into the top of the security valve. Each is divided into three segments, and each segment displays a number. One of the segments on the third dial has numbers which can be altered by hand. Carefully you consider the numbers and soon realise that they are part of a coded combination lock.
Rob: No shit.
Brad: By turning the adjustable numbers on the third dial to the correct total, you will release the lock and open the valve. Consider the following numbers carefully. When you think you know what the missing number is...let me know.
Rob: Okay.
Fifty-two.
Brad: Man, you're good. What's the solution?
Rob: Every lock combination has a pattern. Each number goes 2:1, 1:1, 4:1. The only number that's not represented is thirteen.
Brad: The valve clicks open and the tell-tale aroma of gasolene rises from the tank to greet your nostrils.
Rob: The sweet smell of success. It's only success when it stings the nostrils.
Brad: A fuel gauge on the inside edge of the valve shows you that the tank contains 125 gallons of premium unleaded gasolene, more than sufficient for your needs.
Rob: Hoo-rah.
Brad: When the others come to inspect your handiwork they congratulate you unstintingly. After filling the tank of the BragWagon, Sgt Haskell and his men set about destroying the remainder of the fuel to prevent it from falling into the hands of Mad Dog Michigan's clansmen. Then, with a view of the station ablaze in your driving mirror, you set off west along Freeway 10 to keep your rendezvous with the convoy. It feels good to be able to drive once more at a speed that is faster than the brisk walking pace to which you have limited yourself over the past twenty-five fuel-concious miles.

MCSPINDLE: Yes, because lower gears consume less fuel...

Brad: It is also a great relief not to have to walk the fifty or so miles to Kent, for they are mostly uphill, as the freeway passes through the ruined town of Borgado and traverses the northern slopes of the Davis Mountains.

MCSPINDLE: You could have saved even more fuel by getting out and pushing me!

Brad: You reach Kent shortly after noon, a day ahead of your planned time of rendezvous with the convoy. The highway and surrounding area show no sign of their having arrived before you, so you decide to try to relax here and recoup your strength while you wait for the convoy to show. You rise at dawn and spend the morngin servicing the BragWagon's engine, while Sgt Haskell and Marine Knott take it in turns to act as lookout from the room of a Baptist church, the tallest building still standing in Kent. It is two hours before noon when you hear a faint buzzing noise, high in the sky twoards the north-west.

Brag: Vibrators?

Brad: You search the cloudless expanse and your hopes soar as you see Rickenbacker's motorised hang-glider circling above the town. He comes down and makes a low pass, waving his arms excitedly as he flies directly above the BragWagon.

MCSPINDLE: I knew it was a bad idea for him to put a Wii in that thing.

Rob: Maybe my memory is hazy, but who the fuck is Rickenbacker?
Brad: http://www.emotionallyfourteen.com/2011/06/dickass-dm_26.html
Rob: Ahhhhh.
Brad: Then he is gone, rising above the surrounding peaks and returning the way he came. An hour passes before Knott sights a cloud of dust on the eastern horizon. You are all gathered in the town, wiating expectantly for the convoy to arrive, but he cannot be sure that it is the convoy that is coming. At such a distance it could be a gang of marauding clansmen.

Brag: It might just be a cloud of dust, have we considered that?
Knott: [sighting the convoy of vehicles heading towards Kent] It's them!
Brag: The dust cloud men?! Please?...

Brad: Led by Pete Tyler's tow truck, the convoy pulls into the town with all horns blaring and everyone shouting their relief and delight that the rendezvous has been accomplished. It is a joyous reunion, made especially happy by the return of Kate to the colony. After the excitement has abated, you settle down to discuss the more serious matters at hand. From his vantage place in the sky, Rickenbacker has been able to track the movements of Amex Gold and his Maverick clansmen. A large contingent have been shadowing the convoy and are now in ambush somewhere in the mountains ahead.
Also, Pop Ewell has monitored by radio the movements of a large Mexican clan, who have crossed the border in search of fuel and food. And, to make matters even worse, Mad Dog Michigan has linked up with the 'Saints', the clan from New Orleans, and now they too are somewhere in the vicinity.

Cutter: Looks like we're surrounded by enemies.
Brag: Yeah, by which you mean 'there are a lot of them'? Brilliant, searing insight yet again.
Cutter: Seem's to me we've got to keep movin' if we're to stand a cat's chance o' gettin' to El Paso in one piece.
Brag: How much chance does a cat have? I can't believe I almost let you get away with that statement!
MCSPINDLE: Sorry..."Seem's"? We're letting that one go, are we?

Brad: His opinions are shared by the majority, and so it is decided to leave Kent this afternoon and press on to El Paso without delay.

MCSPINDLE: Win! I love their tacos!

Brad: It takes an hour to refuel the convoy vehicles and prepare for the next stage of your journey. You are to take over as scout now that the colony is about to push deeper into the mountains.

MCSPINDLE: Yay...we're hardly ever scouts...
Brag: I know right? Seems like I should have got some BADGES by now...hint hint...

Brad: The increasing altitude and the unpredictable thermal air currents here make it too dangerous for Rickenbacker to continue in his role as air scout.

Brag: I bet Rickenbacker gets badges...
MCSPINDLE: Aw...is it too dangerous for your little plane to go scouting in, Mister Scoutyman? Never mind, we'll take care of it while you sit and home and play with your toys...would you like a juice box?
Brag: Ooh, we've got juice boxes?

Brad: Five miles out from Kent, you cross a dry watercourse once known as the Salt Draw and begin a slow climb into the Apache mountains.

Brag: Sounds like a great place to have run out of water...

Brad: To your left you can see a high ridge, known locally as the Black Peak, and it is here that you sight something that makes you suspicious. A glint of sunlight is reflecting repeatedly at a point near the crest of this ridge.

Brag: Seems like a signal. Hopefully from a travelling Evian salesman.

Brad: You radio back to the convoy that you have sighted something suspicious in the hills to the south. You bring your The BragWagon to a halt, and, as the conoy draws closer, Cutter disembarks and comes running forward to find out more.
Rob: Reflex Clothesline!

MCSPINDLE: Yay! Here comes Captain Apostrophe! This'll be relevant and not at all bleeding obvious.

Brad: You point out the place on the ridge where you saw the reflections, and he scans the area with his powerful binoculars.

Cutter: Whatever was up there has gone now, Brag. If it was clan scouts you saw then we'd better keep on movin' before they rustle up enough of their kin to bushwhack us.
Brag: Or hiding from you...

Brad: You keep a watchful eye on the ridge as you lead the convoy along this section of the freeway.
Rob: Who's watching the road then?

Shitty Christmas Video Round-Up

2011-12-02T12:00:00.081Z

Last Christmas - Wham!

Brad: Alps...Whoaing...Jeeps...Mullets.
I guess that's pretty much eighties Christmases in a nutshell.
Brad: Sking.
* Skiing
* Skiiing.
* Skiiiiiiiiing
* Winter Holidaying
Rob: Why are Wham! driving jeeps anyway? Wouldn't they be more at home with a sled pulled by young boys?
Brad: George Michael is definitely gay. Andrew Ridgeley isn't.
Rob: Oh wait, this is from that period where Wham! were totally trying to not look gay.
Brad: I like George's dramatic face at 1:54
That's a really thin tree.
Rob: Which tree? The first minute contains literally 897 trees.
Brad: I'm really enjoying the footage of the Wham! Christmas party in the second half.
Rob: Wham! wanted you to think they were all about the demeure bitches.
Brad: This song is one of the signs that Christmas has arrived, isn't it? When you hear this, you know you need to get a move on with the shopping.
Rob: Yeah, this and Wizzard I guess. I like this song in general.
At 4:03, it sounds like George Michael fell off a cliff. Actually, scratch that. I have a new theory.
Brad: Right.
Rob: After starting the video through a second time, something occurred to me.
Brad: Me too. I wonder if it's the same thing...
Rob: At no point does anyone sing. Nobody human...I think it's the mountains.
Brad: I noticed something odder. There's lots of being a ski-lodge, carrying skis, ski-lifts...no skiing.
* Skiiing
* Skiinng
* Biathlon
Rob: That's not that odd, dude. Have you never watched Frasier? I can't count the number of times they've been to a ski lodge.
Surely just the skiing part is Uniathlon?
Brad: No, that's Winter Uno.
George even falls over at 3:04. He could totally have worn skiis for that.
* skiiis
* ski's
* equipment
Rob: *feetlines.
I still think that this song is about the mountains being in love with George Michael.
Brad: That's such a lovely idea, I'm deeming it canon. In...I dunno..Wham!Lore, I guess.
Rob: Wham!Pedia?
Brad: "Merry Christmas and thank You". For what, exactly?
Rob: They probably sold a shitload of albums.
Brad: Guess so. How many Christmas Turkeys out of five? Five for total suckage, Zero for awesome.
Rob: Zero Christmas Turkeys. I like both the song and the idea that the mountains are pining for George Michael. Actually, -1 for allowing me to get a "pining" mention in a video heavy on trees.
Brad: Wow. I'm going One Christmas Turkey. It's a great song, but I just don't feel there's enough Christmas in the video. A winter holiday doesn't necessarily imply Christmas.
Rob: Point. I just spotted something interesting. In the space of thirty seconds at the end of the video, George Michael changes girlfriend.
Brad: He can't tell women apart. It's like with you and Japanese people.
Rob: What? I can totally tell them apart.
Brad: Yeah? Because last Bad Movie Night, you didn't seem able to tell the difference between Varan and Gamera.

All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey

Brad: Next...Mariah Wobbly-Voice Probably-Would-If-She-Wasn't-Totally-Mental Carey...Is she related to Jim Carrey?
Rob: And Drew. And Harey.
Brad: I'm going to get snowblindness by the time we've finished this article.
Rob: What is your opinion on Mariah Carey in this video? I don't think she's ever come up in our "Would you ruin that?" discussions.
Brad: Young Mariah Carey I...probably would. Modern Era Botoxy Static Face...not so much.
Rob: Agreed, she's gorgeous in this video. And she had a proper rack on her as well. I think she still has that, not seen pictures of her in a while.
Brad: At 1:10, there's a doberman dressed up a reindeer. I wonder who drew the short straw on that job.
Rob: The dobermann.
Brad: Yeah, he might have been up for it, I guess.
Present unwrapping montage.
Jesus, this has got more jumpcuts than Requiem for a Dream.
Rob: You know what would make this video infinitely funnier, but at the same time disturbing as fuck?
Brad: Wallace and Gromit.
Rob: ...Okay, you know what else?
Brad: Bigger tits.
Rob: On who? The dobermann?
Brad: If the doberman was actually Vincent Cassel as Dobermann?
Rob: No, that would just make it awesome.
Brad: What was your suggestion?
Rob: If as the video ended, the camera panned outwards into a room where this movie is playing, and there's a guy just masturbating and crying.
Brad: Brian!? Are you doing anything tomorrow?
Watching this again, I'm marking her "definitely would ruin".
Rob: Correct answer.
Brad: Going on the number of presents she opens in this video, I get the feeling that she would be disappointed if all she got was me. In my He-Man underpants.
Rob: At 0:55 I just get the impression that the director has just got out of a bitter divorce with an epileptic.
Brad: I want that to be true.
Rob: "OH YEAH? TAKE THE KIDS AND THE HOUSE?! WELL, I'LL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH, BITCH! EAT FLOOR TILES!"
Brad: I'm giving this Four Christmas Turkeys. Snow, Santa, presents montage...it's got nearly the full set.
Rob: Four Christmas Turkeys. It's undoubtedly cheesy, even if Mariah Carey is adorable in the video.

White Christmas - Bing Crosby

Brad: Ah, Bing, you old racist.
Rob: So we've changed our search engine hatred then? Before, we loved Bing. It gave us NSFW content, but didn't make it feel like our fault.
Brad: I like Bing Crosby. From dead straight on, he looks like the FA Cup.
Rob: Jesus, a football reference from you?
Brad: This is from the old days where you could sing a woman into bed, armed only with a piano, some Brylcream and a few years of child abuse.
Rob: That woman looks like she's tripping. But yeah, Bing's totally getting lucky after this song's over with.
Brad: The bells in the tree at 1:55 are tuned perfectly.
I like the way he harmonises with her really condescendingly.
Check out the end! They stop moving and have to hold position until the camera fades out! It's like Police Squad!.
Rob: Who's the lady, anyway? She's quite pretty in a classic way.
Brad: I'll research.
Rob: Alrighty.
Brad: Marjorie Reynolds, but it's not her singing voice. That's dubbed.
Rob: You just read the YouTube description, didn't you?
Brad: Yup. That's a form of research.
Rob: I read the line "Reynolds, not Crosby, was to sing the song" in the video and in my head it's Burt.
Brad: I had Debbie. You're more awesome than me. I like Bing Crosby. I wonder if he'd like E14.
Rob: I like Ask Jeeves Berlin. Or Google Sinatra.
Brad: 2:00 and he starts whistling and humming to try and put her off! What a DH40K!
Rob: *DoucheHammer 40K for non-regulars.
Brad: Score?
Rob: If he didn't, she's a lesbi....Oh. Three Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: I'm going Two Christmas Turkeys. It's pretty cool.

Stop the Cavalry - Jona Lewie

Brad: This is just making me want to watch Deathwatch.
Rob: These soldiers don't seem to do much fighting.
Brad: I find it amazing they were allowed to play brass instruments in the trenches.
Rob: I think it'd give away positions.
Sure, you could have a fuller sound, but you'd be strategically compromised. Don't get me wrong, for instance, I play rhythm guitar in a band, but if me playing the second guitar resulted in us becoming a target for shells and guns, I'd just stick to vocals.
Brad: You know this wasn't actually originally a Christmas song?
Rob: Really? What was it originally?
Brad: Originally just a song about war.
Rob: What were the original lyrics, "Wish I was at home, for reasons of cowardice"?
Brad: A record company exec advised him to add in the line "Wish I was at home for Christmas" and some sleighbells, so that he could appear on Christmas albums. Forever.
Sad thing is, he was right.
Rob: I'm going to listen to it back and see if it works as a song without the Christmas theme.
Brad: Go for it. But check the top YouTube comment.
Rob: "He mentions 'Christmas' and there are bells. This song is also on various christmas albums - I consider it a Christmas song."
Are there any other criteria besides "being released around Christmas"?
Brad: I don't know, and this is going to open up a can of worms.
This is an awful, awful song.
Rob: It really is. And it's even worse with the sleigh bells and extra line, because then it becomes a triumph of marketing, and there are too many of those.
Brad: I don't think I've ever heard this song all the way through. My mind always starts wandering, and thinking of something more awesome. Like Darth Vader fighting Batman.
Rob: That's....more awesome than I can imagine. And I can imagine quite a bit.

"The Life Day Song" - Carrie Fisher

Brad: This never stops being weird. Or canon.
Rob: What...the....fucking....fuck?
Why am I watching this?
Why does this...?
Brad: Awww...Rob...did I bust your The Star Wars Holiday Special cherry?
Rob: Yes. Yes you did. And I'd have been happy to stay flowered.
Brad: You haven't seen the whole thing. It's more like I just fingered you in the car park while we waited for your dad to turn up.
Rob: Carrie Fisher's amazingly hot in this video. Especially at 1:25 - Lungs and a malleable jaw.
Brad: I was hoping to get a Debbie Reynolds callback, but I'm buggered if I can manage it.
I'm not giving this a second playthough.
Rob: Wasn't Burt Reynolds originally supposed to star in A New Hope?
Brad: It's not as good as the Ewok movies, is it? Score?
Rob: How many turkeys is the maximum then? Five?
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: Four Christmas Turkeys. Because as much as it pains me to say it, Carrie Fisher in that made it almost bearable.
Brad: Four Christmas Turkeys. And one Vergere.
Also, Mark Hamill. And Mark Hamill is amazing. All the time.
Rob: Yeah, but I wasn't trying to facefuck Mark Hamill in my head.
Brad: Mark Hamill's face is already fucked.
Rob: Dude...
Brad: Too soon?

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree - Miley Cyrus

Brad: I'm digging out the real bizarre ones this year.
Rob: You sure are. Capture 0:11 in your head. You will never in your life see a more perfect shot to define the term "little kids losing their fucking shit."
Brad: It's true.
Rob: I tell a lie.

Brad: Pluto looks desperate to get down from there. It's like he's fucking terrified, and they haven't even told him how he's going to get down.
I am terrified of those fucking gingerbread men.
So...Miley. Would we? Could we?
Rob: Legally, yes. In terms of feasibility, absolutely not.
Brad: Yeah, she's 19 now. We're golden. Not as golden as she'd be, if you get my drift.
Rob: Besides, she's the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus. Maybe she's a carrier of Fail.
Brad: Yeah, that must be like haemophilia or something.
I cannot understand a word she says after she finishes singing.
She always sounds like she's being autotuned, even when she's not.
Rob: Yeah, she's got a weird voice.
Brad: She's pretty good, but...yeah...I can never quiet shake the impression that she's a robot created by an evil defrosted Walt Disney to take over the world.
Rob: There's nothing that says "Let's get this crowd moving" like a crowd of Gingerbread people moving like they've just had a stroke.
I just spotted another one of those moments that would infinitely improve/fuck up a video.
Brad: Jesus , those fucking gingerbread men.
Is it Pluto pulling off a Senton Bomb?
Rob: At 1:03, the camera could pan to 2-4 spotty nerds holding up a "When are you legal?" sign.
Brad: You know what, I think I can top the weird.

What are we Gonna Get 'Er Indoors? - George Cole & Dennis Waterman

Rob: Sorry, remind me again why Top of the Pops died out.
Brad: Because music sucks.
So...Minder had a Christmas record. Did you know that?
Rob: Nope, I had no idea.
Brad: Is your life richer for knowing?
Rob: I think back to life before E14. It was a simpler time.
Brad: It wasn't for me, in a weird way. I mean, all this shit was still in my head, just with no real outlet.
Rob: You know what I hate more than some of the crap acts on TOTP?
Brad: Dennis Waterman?
Rob: TOTP audiences.
Brad: The Dawn of the Dead type swaying, you mean?
Rob: Yeah.
I remember watching The Complete Picture (A collection of The Smiths videos and live performances) and being disgusted by the audience looking so fucking bored for music they probably enjoy.
Brad: To be fair, it's hard to be pleased with a compilation of The Smiths.
Rob: I enjoyed it.
Even though Morrissey seems like a total prick.

It Must be Santa - Bob Dylan

Brad: I really want to believe that this is what Christmas at Dylan's gaff looks like. And I'm loving his new "Voodoo Priest" gimmick.
Rob: Didn't I see him playing a hot woman in Pirates of the Caribbean? I'm not thinking of Jack Sparrow either, before you say anything.
Brad: I'd say "no", but I haven't seen the last one. All I know is I want to go to Christmas at Bob's place.
Rob: At 2:00 it seems like Dylan just goes into Billy Joel We Didn't Start the Fire mode and just starts naming Presidents.
Brad: It's a good point. He makes it work, though. I'm not normally a Dylan fan, but I love this song.
Rob: It's all right. I like Dylan, he's pretty cool.
Brad: I wish more of his stuff was like this. I'd take Blood on the Tracks more seriously if it had an upbeat accordion on it. Hell, a zither, too.
Rob: I think Cohen is underrated, especially in comparison.
Brad: Cohen's good. I love The Big Lebowski.
Rob: At 1:00, the caption might as well read "I'm motherfuckin' Bob Dylan, bitch."
Brad: Score?
Rob: Zero Christmas Turkeys. It's a really awesome song that manages to do away with most, if not all, of the traditional Xmas cliches.
Brad: One Christmas Turkey. There's still a Santa in there.
This next one is possibly my least favourite Christmas song ever.

8 Days of Christmas - Destiny's Child

Brad: Ah, time for some pre-packaged, sanitised sass.
Rob: What, are they going to try and convince Santa to pay their bills? Destiny's Child might be one of my least favourite things ever.
Brad: Totally.
It goes: An itchy foot when wearing boots, running out of paper in the loo, having to put down your book ten pages from the end, The Holocaust, Destiny's Child.
Rob: Don't forget that woman who sang "Smell yo dick."
Brad: I prefer her. She was at least genuinely aggressive. This pre-packaged sass that Destiny's Child and similar artists purvey...grates on me.
Rob: So the whole song about them being gold-digging bitches is building to the 1st day where he gives her....Quality Time?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! What a load of fucking bollocks.
Brad: They're all dressed likes sluts at the office party. There. I said it.
Rob: Incidentally, the only thing the guy probably got over these eight days was blue balls.
Brad: I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't got any teeth, and is constantly prospecting up in them thar hills while holding a pick-axe.
See, I'm sure Destiny's Child are probably nice guys in real life, and are just playing a part, here, like the vast majority of musicians really are. Unfortunately, I'm also sure that the vast majority of their audience are fucking idiots, and will take this at face value.
Rob: I know for a fact that people do.
You know the one thing that would've improved this video? Actually, I have two ideas.
Brad: Is one of them Optimus Prime?
Rob: The first is a pretty similar theme to the earlier ones I pitched.
Brad: Beyonce masturbating to herself? A scenario that probably isn't new to her.
Rob: As they walk through the aisles, they notice a guy masturbating to a jigsaw puzzle.
The second is even better. At 0:13 Kelly Rowland goes "You know, Christmas...." only to go on to spout some fake bollocks.
Brad: Yeah.
Rob: What would be infinitely better would be if she changed the intonation to "You know Christmas?" then just goes "Good, innit?" and it fades to black.
Brad: You know what be better? If Kelly Rowland came on screen and it cut to this.
Rob: So let's run down their gifts. Expensive gifts: 4
"Sentimental" gifts which are actually self-indulgent and ego-serving: 4
Is it any wonder that a lot of women who listen to "R&B" are bitches?
Brad: Score for this one?
Rob: 37.68 Christmas Turkeys.
Brad: I'm giving it Zero Christmas Turkeys. This bullshit is nothing to do with Christmas.

Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade

Dickass DM

2011-11-27T12:00:00.003Z

Brad: His blond hair is cropped close to his head and his eyes are hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses. Pistol in hand, he walks slowly towards you, then stops at the entrance to the pay booth. Two more men in uniform emerge from the doorway - the rifleman and one other - armed with a sawn-off shotgun.

Rifleman: They don't look like clan punks, Sarge.
Kate: We're not. We're running from the clans.
Brag: I can handle this, sweetheart.

Brad: Bemused, the blond-haired man scratches his chin and turns to say something quietly to his two companions.

MCSPINDLE: 28 Days Later totally ripped off this gamebook.

Brad: It is them that you notice the faded sergeant stripes and the circular globe-of-the-world emblem that adorn his sleeve. Instantly you recognise the latter: it is the emblem of the World Defence League. At length, he turns to face you once more.

Sgt Haskell: [much friendlier tone] I think you two had better tell us your story.
Brag: Can I hold my gun?

Brad: You tell the soldiers who you are and how you cameto be here in Fort Stockton. At first, they listen to your fantastic account with cool scepticism.
Rob: How is scepticism cool?
Brad: How isn't it?
Rob: Whatever, not bothered.
Brad: That's apathy.
Rob: I doubt it.
Brad: That's more like it.
They cross-examine you both in an attempt to find a flaw in your story, but when they are
unable to find any, their attitude begins to change. By the time they have finished their interrogation, you have managed to win their respect and admiration. Once they are convinced that you are genuine colonists they recount their own tale. They are WDF marines who, before 'The Day', were stationed at an underground tracking facility in Brownsville, Texas.

MCSPINDLE: That sounds like gay code...

Brad: Twelve of their unit survived the post-holocaust years, but soon after their return to the surface they were the victims of a clan attack. They were the only survivors of the attack and were forced to flee Brownsville on foot.
Rob: Racists? Out here?!
Brad: Eventually they managed to find a vehicle that worked - the pick-up truck - and had got this far when the fuel ran out and the engine broke down. They are trying to reach their command headquarters at Fort Bliss, located just north of El Paso, where they hope to rejoin remnants of their unit. They arrived in Fort Stockton three days ago and have been rpevented from continuing theirjourney on foot by the blistering day temperatures and the fierce night storms that have swept down from the Barrilla Mountains. They have set up camp in the ruins of a nearby motel and they invte you there to share their food and drink, and to formulate a plan to find some fuel for The BragWagon. Their provisions are basic, but you receive them gratefully.

Brag: Cheers for that.
Kate: Parma Violets? Really?

Brad: After your meal you try to think where you might find some gasolene.

MCSPINDLE: I'm pretty sure that's pronounced 'petrol'.

Brad: Sergeant Haskell and his men - Marines Gunter and Knott - have searched every square inch of Fort Stockton and know that there is none to had here.

Sgt Haskell: What we need is an old road map. One that would show us where the freeway rest stops and gas stations in this are were located.
Brag: Here, maybe this map might be of use. And hopefully it's within about half a mile.
Sgt Haskell: [examining the notes and markings on the map] Hey, where did you get this?
Brag: Some guy.

Brad: He scrutinises it at length.

Sgt Haskell: What you've got here is a blueprint of a major HAVOC operation to take over the country.
Brag: Seriously? Those douchebags?
Sgt Haskell: This is one hot piece of property: it shows clan strengths, supply areas, HAVOC strongholds, controlled cities, everything - even pockets of WDL resistance on the eastern seaboard. We've gotta get this to El Paso. If there's anything left of WDL headquarters then they must be warned about what it happening in the East.
Brag: Okay, but what about fuel? Douchebag out there has barely enough fuel to make it another twenty miles. All we need is enough gas to get as far as Kent in time for the rendezvous with the colony. Then we can refuel from the tanker and you can catch a ride with us all the way to Fort Bliss.
Sgt Haskell: There's a rest stop here...
Brag: No there's not. Oh, on the map?

Brad: He points to the map at a place on Interstate 10 that is half-way between Fort Stockton and a town called Brogado.

Sgt Haskell: There's no knowing if there's still any gas in its storage tanks but it's our only hope. It looks like a twenty-five mile drive - do you think you can make it?
Brag: Well, we can but try.

Brad: You decide to leave Fort Stockton at dawn the following mornind, but the weather deteriorates, putting a swift end to your plans. For two days and nights the town is hit by lightning storms and tornadoes, forcing you to remain in the basement of the motel. It is not until the morning of the sixth day of your mission that the tornadoes blow themselves out and you are able to leave the town in safety.

Brag: No books down here, are there?

Brad: With Kate beside you, and the three marines clinging to the hood and trunk of The BragWagon, you crawl the twenty-three miles from Fort Stockont to the Balmorhea rest stop that Haskell found on your map. It is located at the entrance to a pass through the Barrilla Mountains and at first glance it appears to have suffered extensive damage in the recent storms.

Brag: On second glance, it's a shithole.

Brad: You bring the roadster to a halt with your fuel tank virtutally empty, and it is with great trepidation that you and Sgt Haskell go to inspect the fuel storage tanks while Kate and the others watch the road. Of the eight underground fuel tanks located beneath the gas station area, only one look promising. Of the others, six are empty and one is contaminated with diesel oil.

Brag: That's no good! It'll make my engine...what does diesel do to a petrol engine?

Brad: A coded security valve locks the access pipe to the tank and, after a brief examination, you realise that the code must be cracked if you are to get at the contents. Any attempt to break off or cut through the valve would be sure to cause a spark that would blow the tank, and whoever was tampering with it, sky high. You are studying the valve when you hear Marine Gunter shout a warning:

Marine Gunter: Clansmen on the freeway!
Brag: Sounds like a Golden Earring song.

Brad: Six black-clad bikers are riding along Interstate 10 twoards the rest stop. Affixed to the rear of their saddles are long, whiplash aerials, which are topped with black pennons that bear a lion's head symbol. You stare at these small black flags and a tingle runs down your spine: it is the emblem of the Detroit Lions clan. The bikers catch sight of The BragWagon and bring their machines to a hlat a hundred yards from the rest stop. Then all six spread out and, using the rocks and boulders that litter the landscape, they make their way forward slowly.
Sgt Haskell orders Gunter and Knott to take cover and open fire at the advacing clansmen; they must not be allowed to capture or destroy the fuel tank. From behind an old gas pump you watch as two of the Lions start to edge their way around the service area.

Brag: Don't shoot it, whatever you do.

Brad: They are trying to circle around the rest stop and launch an attack from the rear.
Rob: Use the pistol!
Brad: You abandon your cover and shadow the two clansmen as they circle around to the rear. An old tyre rack propped against the side of a derelicy car was offers you a good defensive position, and quickly you scurry towards it. You reach the rack

MCSPINDLE: Wa-hey!

Brad: in time to see the Lions halt. For a moment they duck out of sight, but soon the reappear and come running, half-crouched with guns at the ready, towards your new-found hiding place. You pull back and release the slide of your pistol, feeding a bullet into the breach, then take careful aim at the first clansman as he scorries between the rocks that litter the edge of the service area. He is less than twenty yards away when you squeeze off your first shot and bring him crashing to the ground.
Rob: What is he made of, glass?!
Brad: His partner hesitates, then abandons his stealthy approach and comes running towards you, screamin hysterically, his machine pistol blazing at his hip.
Rob: Fire again.
Brad: Bullets rip into the tyre rack and whistle past you on all sides as the clansman rushes your position. Calmly you stay hidden until you hear his gun stop in mid-burst, then you spring to your feet and fire at point-blank range, hitting him in the chest. He doubles up, falls forwards and lands in a lifeless heap at your feet.

MCSPINDLE: Shake n' VATS, bitch!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer: Facebook Twitter
Rob Wade: Twitter
This is intended as a loving tribute to Joe Dever, the Freeway Warrior series, Slaughter Mountain Run/Mountain Run, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.

Dickass DM

2011-11-25T12:00:00.004Z

MCSPINDLE: I'm not gonna make more than 120 miles, Brag.
Brag: That's what you were complaining about? My days have been numbered since page 1. Metaphorically.

Brad: It is midday when you rejoin Interstate 10 to continue your drive west.

Brag: We probably shouldn't have stopped off at Little Chef.
MCSPINDLE: I know, right? They always said they two things to survive a nuclear fallout would be germs and cockroaches. And what do you know? Little Chefs.

Brad: The sun is at its height and it feels as if it has pushed the temperature to five degrees above unbearable. To save fuel you try to keep your speed below twenty-five miles per hour, even though the lack of a cooling breeze drives you to distraction. You were hoping to be able to scavenge some fuel in Ozona, the first town through which you were due to pass, but when you arrive you find that it has been totally destroyed.
A gently sloping mound of dust and rubble is all that remains of this town. You are forced to continue without respite, and throughout the long, hot drive, the experience of Ozona is repeated many times before you reach Bakersfield in the early morning.
You are both tired and suffering from mild heat exhaustion, but after having at last reached a town that is still standing, you agree that you must search for fuel and water before it gets dark. As the town is divided in two by the freeway, you decide to split up and search one half each.
Rob: Search the south side of Bakersfield.
Brad: At the far end of a block of derelict stores is a blue, star-shaped sign that marks the site of a Lone Star gas station. You hurry along the dustry street, hopeful of finding some fuel, but you are met with disappointment. All the security caps have been sawn off the gasolene storage tanks and not a drop of their precious contents remains. The gas station itself has been ransacked and nothing of value remains, but at the rear of the building you discover something that stirs your curiosity. It is a large storage facility with heavy double doors, which are chained and padlocked.
You walk around the building and notice that it has no windows or other means of access.

Brag: How does one get in?

Brad: Nothing hints at what it stored inside, and the more you consider it, the more intrigued you become. You head off to search elsewhere. After a long and laborious search of all the stores in this part of Bakersfield, you discover absolutely nothing of any practical value. Having exhausted both your energy and your patience, and with dusk already giving way to darkness, you abandon your search and return to The Brag Wagon. You return to find Kate sitting on the hood of the BragWagon, sifting through a box of items she has found.
She, too, has been unable to find any fuel, but she has salvaged enough food for a decent evening meal.

Kate: I even found some wine from your home state.

Brad: She proudly holds out a bottle of Californian dry white for your inspection.

Brag: You might want to climb off that hood. This is third base for him.
MCSPINDLE: I hope you found a corkscrew.

Brad: As night draws in and the temperature falls, a strong wind arises that whips along the freeway, howling like an angry ghost. You sense that it is the prelude to a storm and you suggest to Kate that you look for somewhere to shelter. An old brick-built library standing close by seems like a good bet: the walls are strong and it still has a roof, which is more than can be said for over ninety per cent of the Bakersfield buildings.
You decide to spend the night in the library's main hall. After clearing a space near the centre, you build a small campr fire, using a few of the many thousands of books that line the walls. Then, once it is ablaze, you help Kate to prepare the food she has found. Outside, the weather has gorwn steadily worse.

MCSPINDLE: YOU COULD LET ME IN!
Brag: I don't have room at the inn.

Brad: Thunder rolls acorss the surrounding plains and the jagged flashes of forked lightning illuminate the roiling clouds of dust with increasing regularity.

Brag: There's a storm comin'...
Kate: It ain't all bad. At least we don't have to worry 'bout Mad Dog's boys showin' up outta the blue.
Brag: Yeah, now they'll show up outta the lobby.

Brad: The food and wine taste delicious and, after eating your fill, you both settle down to sleep in front of the glowing embers of the camp fire. It seems as though you have only just closed your eyes when you are stirred to conciousness by a loud crackling sound and the acrid smell of smoke. Horror fills your sense when you open your eyes to see yourself surrounded by a blazing wall of yellow flame. Lightning struck the library roof while you were asleep, starting a fire that has been fuelled by the shelves of dust-dry books, and which has now spread to the main hall where it threatens to consume you both. Quickly you wake Kate and together you fight your way towards the main door.
You are within ten feet of the exit when a burning bookcase falls across your path.

MCSPINDLE: BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!
Brag: This ain't good.

Brad: The heat and flames force you back from the entrance, and as you reach the centre of the hall, you look around desperately for another way out but every exit is now ablaze. Using a heavy rug from the floor, you cover Kate's head and tell her to make a dash for the main door. Bravely she obeys your command without hesitation, and she succeeds in escaping through the tunnel of flame and out into the street beyond. Heartened by her success, you raise your jacket over your head, take a deep breath and sprint after her.

Brag: I hear the Chariots of Fire music!

Brad: Your speed and sure-footedness save you from the merciless flames. Your jacket is blackened with soot and the legs of your jeans are smouldering, but you escape from the blazing library without sustaining any injury.

MCSPINDLE: Oh, whoever could have set that fire?

Brad: Kate catches you as you emerge from the library and pulls you a safe distance away.
Moments later, the roof of the library collapses with a loud, spliterning crack, and clouds of sparks whirl into the night, carried upward by the strong, gusting wind. Silently you look at Kate's smoke-blackened face, and then at the blazing library, and you realise ust how lucky you both are to have got out of that inferno alive.

Brag: You're...black?

Brad: By the time you recover fully from your ordeal and return to The BragWagon, the storm has blown itself out. The easter sky is lightening as dawn appraoches, and you decide to leave Bakersfield now, before the sun rises and the temperature becomes unbearable. Beyond the town, the freeway climbs steadily towards a distant line of mountains that shimmer on the horizon. You keep your speed as low as possible and cover forty miles with your fuel gauge nudgng the zero mark. Then the silhouette of Fort Stockton appears on the road ahead and your hopes of finding some gas are rekindled.

Brag: Forts are well known for their gasoline!

Brad: The first thing you see upon entering the town is a gas station. Like everything else, the station appears deserted, but there is something about this building that makes your skin prickle with presentiment.

Brag: Yes, whatever presentiment is, I'm prickling with it.

Brad: A battered Chevrolet pick-up with its hood raised at one of the station's four gasolene pumps. It looks far cleaner than any of the other auto wrecks that lie scattered around the town, and your suspicioins are further aroused when you notice a large black pool of oil on the ground beneath the engine compartment. You stop the BragWagon alongside and step out to investigate it.

Brag: Wait, this oil is fresh...

Brad: You dab your index finger in the pool. You are wiping it clean on the leg of your jeans when you hear an unexpected reply.

Man's Voice: Drop your weapons...or I'll drop you!
Brag: Oh....bollocks.

Brad: It is a man's voice and it is coming from inside a derelict pay booth.
Rob: I do as he says.
Brad: Reluctantly, you let your gun slip to the ground as the muzzle of a rifle emerges from the darkened doorway.

Man's Voice: You too, honey.

Brad: Kate obeys, tossing her machine pistol out of the car so that it lands deliberately near your feet.

Another Voice: [to your right] Don't even think about it.

Brad: From behind a wrecked auto steps a tall, muscular man, dressed in green army fatigues.

Brag: Fucking hell, there's two of you?!
MCSPINDLE: Cockroaches, bacteria and Sgt Slaughter.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer: Facebook Twitter
Rob Wade: Twitter
This is intended as a loving tribute to Joe Dever, the Freeway Warrior series, Slaughter Mountain Run/Mountain Run, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.

Book Reviews

2011-11-22T12:00:00.002Z

Star Wars – The old Republic: Revan
Drew Karpyshyn
Titan Books
Available Now
Review by Brad Harmer

Revan: hero, traitor, conqueror, villain, savior. A Jedi who left Coruscant to defeat Mandalorians — and returned a disciple of the dark side, bent on destroying the Republic. The Jedi Council gave Revan his life back, but the price of redemption was high. His memories have been erased. All that’s left are nightmares—and deep, abiding fear.

What exactly happened beyond the Outer Rim? Revan can’t quite remember, yet can’t entirely forget. Somehow he stumbled across a terrible secret that threatens the very existence of the Republic. With no idea what it is, or how to stop it, Revan may very well fail, for he’s never faced a more powerful and diabolic enemy. But only death can stop him from trying.

Man, it seemed like this book was never going to arrive, didn’t it? Anyway, it’s here now and, Good Lord, is it awesome. It feels great to be able to check in with so many of the characters we knew and loved all those years ago, and under the control of Karpyshyn, you know it’s going to be handled properly.

Revan is exceptionally well paced, which is something of a rarity in Star Wars novels. There’s always something going on, and the next action beat is never all that far away. Some characters are just written quietly out of the story, which is understandable in terms of time/space restraints, but as the book measures in at shy of 300 pages, you’d think there could have been room for an appearance from Zaalbar and Mission Vao.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Several unarmed combats, several lightsaber combats. Some gunfire.
Sex/Nudity: Some partial nudity.
Swearing: None.
Summary: A fantastically paced, well-written Star Wars adventure. The action scenes are perfect, the characters brilliant and the ending beautifully bitter-sweet. You’ll need to know the video game(s) to get the most out of it, but this is one of the EU’s better offerings. 9/10

THE DARK SIDE GIVEAWAY

The UK’s number one specialist horror genre magazine The Dark Side has just turned twenty-one years old and to celebrate this momentous anniversary in style, along with the help and support of sponsors Network DVD, The Dark Side is offering all its readers, both old and new, the chance to enjoy the magazine’s first four rare collectors’ editions totally free of charge at www.thedarksidemagazine.com. No longer available to buy as back issues, these archive volumes have been recreated as brand new digital editions allowing readers to take a chilling journey down the dark alleyways of horror history.

If you want to catch up with The Dark Side now then do visit their website for print and digital subscriptions but we're offering one lucky reader a chance to win a digital subscription for a whole year!

For your chance of winning, send your name to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Wednesday 7th December, making sure to put "The Dark Side" as the subject. The first entry out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive twelve month digital subscription to The Dark Side!

Don't forget to put "The Dark Side" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

E14 Stand-Up Round-Up

2011-11-21T14:15:00.003Z

Jimmy Carr: Being Funny

Channel 4 DVD
Available now on DVD
Review by Rob Wade

Star of hit TV shows 8 Out of 10 Cats and 10 O'Clock Live, Jimmy is well known for his slick one-liners and non-stop gags, but his acerbic wit and fast-paced comedy style are at their brilliant best when he has the stage to himself.

As a comedian, Jimmy Carr is one of the safest pairs of hands in the business. Whether you’re watching him on a panel show, doing stand-up or on an interview show, his style doesn’t change drastically, so if you’re a fan of his style in one aspect you’ll find yourself pretty content with any of his appearances. It’s with the most complete lack of surprise that I, and hopefully yourselves too, can say that the newest release by Jimmy Carr ticks all the boxes for fans, and is one of his best releases to date.

Where the existing fans are concerned, they’ll be pleased to know that some features that have previously been seen in older releases make a much appreciated return. With this release, Carr goes for a series of crudely drawn images to accompany some of his racier one-liners. He also makes the attempt to get audiences laughing despite thinking “I’m a terrible human being” which has featured at previous live shows. For new fans, Carr introduces a new concept: his “pilot” episode of a Parkinson-style interview show, using a random audience member with an interesting job as his “guest”. This section is a particular highlight, as Carr inadvertently chooses a guy with a particularly hilarious set of life circumstances.

The most impressive thing about Carr, which will particularly impress those who have perhaps never seen any of his stuff except for his panel show work, is that he is lightning quick when it comes to improvisation. Granted, some might argue that since he sometimes delivers one-liners in place of other material, it’s more about recall, but from experience I can tell you that often the lines between improvisation and recall blur quite substantially.

Now, of course, if you’re not a fan of his stuff generally, there’s going to be little to entice you in this scenario, but I would still say that it’s worth a watch, as some of the gags will have you creasing up.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: Frequent strong references.
Swearing: Frequent, some strong. All funny.
Summary: The undisputed current king of one-liners delivers another sterling show. 9/10

Stephen Merchant: Hello, Ladies
Universal Pictures UK
Available now on DVD and Blu-Ray/DVD Combo
Review by Rob Wade

Stephen Merchant, the Emmy, BAFTA and Golden Globe award winning co-creator of The Office and Extras in his first ever live stand-up comedy tour. Stepping into the limelight, Stephen Merchant is in search of a wife, discussing the problems of being 6ft7 in life, but also when it comes to the ladies, watching porn on VHS and re-enacting the first play he ever wrote.

If you’re like me, you’ve spent the last ten years appreciating the works of Gervais and Merchant (and Pilkington in recent years, though “work” may be the wrong word in that scenario). If you’re even more like me, you’ve actually found yourself wishing that Stephen Merchant did more in the spotlight, as for my money Merchant is more enjoyable than Gervais for the most part. It’s pleasing, therefore, that enough people seem to have mentioned that idea to him, because here he is!

Except that for the first five minutes or so, I felt like I was just watching Ricky Gervais’ right-hand man. While funny, the opening segment contains the same mock elitist tone that Gervais employs to great effect. Thankfully, he seems to evolve his style gradually as he goes along, probably hearkening back to his days as a stand-up on the circuit. His style, unlike Gervais, is quite animated and involves a lot of dancing (which I can confirm as a guy of the same height is pretty impressive to be able to do at all). However, also worth mentioning is that if you’re a fan of Merchant’s appearances on the infamous podcast series that sent all the stars’ popularity into the stratosphere, you’ll find that you will hear some stuff that you’ve heard before, albeit delivered with a completely different style that works equally as well if not better.

As a show overall, “Hello Ladies” is absolutely worth the price of admission, with a section on Merchant’s bedroom manner while not wearing glasses giving me fits of laughter, if only for his facial expressions. It certainly proves that despite changing media considerably over the years, from TV to podcasts to recent appearances in movies, Merchant has not lost any of his skill as a stand-up. Definitely worth checking out.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: Talks a bit about porn and masturbation.
Swearing: He swears a few times, but generally doesn’t pepper his sets with it like some other acts.
Summary: A strong performance, and a demonstration that Merchant is a very capable stand-up indeed. Hope he does more soon! 8/10

Chris Addison: Live
Universal Pictures UK
Available now on DVD
Review by Rob Wade

Following a sell-out UK spring tour Chris Addison, star of BAFTA-winning comedy The Thick of It, makes his critically acclaimed stand-up available on DVD for the first time. Recorded live at London's Bloomsbury Theatre, Chris Addison covers material from the personal to the more broad in his own unique style.

Recently, my only experience with Chris Addison has been watching the movie In The Loop, which was great, and watching him on the Direct Line adverts where scriptwriters have basically raped the careers of some of the finest comedians in the country by making them say violently unfunny shit. I actually cry sometimes at the plight of Alexander Armstrong, and I shouldn’t have to.

Thankfully, when left to his own devices, Addison is a fucking funny guy. While his style is extremely animated, and will probably inspire trepidation in those with an innate fear of drama students, what lies beneath the wild gesticulation and (at times) wild non-sequitors is a comedian of phenomenal quality and observational stature.

While the subject matter has been covered many times in the field of comedy (supermarkets, the Internet, Daily Mail), Addison has a delightful sense of humour on these mundane subjects which makes them feel fresh. What’s more, Addison has the simultaneous ability to be a young-looking guy who looks gawky and awkward using “text speak” and manages to sound like an old man when complaining about Amazon Recommends, and my goodness does the man sweat!

Where the show works really well is in the spaces where Chris Addison goes off on a rant on a subject. While these sections will flare up the aforementioned Drama Student sense, as his style involves a fair bit of arm-waving when he goes off on one, it’s absolutely worth persevering, as his ire manages to be simultaneously irate and middle-class. It’s comedy for the new generation, although he takes shots at the entitled generation as well as “drama queens” in Britain. It’s a show of considerable talent, and long may he continue in this vein.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: Talks about sex a fair bit.
Swearing: Some “fuck” and “shit” uses, as well as the C-word.
Summary: A very funny guy indeed, and a show very much worth looking at. 9/10

Dickass DM

2011-11-20T12:00:00.000Z

Brad: Then another sign appears on the road ahead, pointing to a winding dirt track that leads away to the left.
It reads:

TO THE CAVERNS OF SONORA

Brad: You are desperate to avoid the machine-gunning biker and so decide to take the track.

Brag: Sounds fucking cheerful!

Brad: At least its winding course will give him less opportunity to riddle the trunk with bullets. The track leads to a cluster of log cabins and adobe huts that look as if they have only recently been constructed.

MCSPINDLE: Have you got an Adobe joke ready?
Brag: I always have an Adobe joke ready. In fact, I'm the Premiere Adobe joke teller.
Kate: Wow.
MCSPINDLE: Yeah, that wasn't very good.
Brag: Flash in the pan?
Kate: ...
MCSPINDLE: ...
Brag: Wow, the Air is tense...
Kate: Stop now.

Brad: Nearby, erected

MCSPINDLE: Wa-hey!

Brad: around the entrance to a cave, you see a palisade and, standing at the gate in this wall of logs, you notice a large group of men, women and children. They are dressed in animal skins, and their faces and hair are dyed with bright colours.

Brag: I'm feeling a little Lord of the Flies...
MCSPINDLE: That's the lamest one yet!
Brag: That wasn't Adobe-related!

Brad: At your approach they scurry inside the gate and take cover behind their log wall. The instant you bring The BragWagon to a halt you smellthe strong, oily aroma of gasolene. With trepidation you inspect the bullet-riddled trunk and discover, to your horror, that gasolene is gushing from the spare fuel containers.

MCSPINDLE: Is it bad?
Brag: Oops, they shot your balls.

Brad: They are so badly holed that an attempt at repairing them would be futile.

MCSPINDLE: Oh...they can be repaired, right?
Brag: Uh...sure...

Brad: The road of your pursuer's motorcycle is growing louder, and Kate urges you to abandon the BragWagon and take cover with the others behind the wall of logs.

MCSPINDLE: OH, FUCK YOU, TOO!
Brag: Yep, he can fend for himself! After all, he's a eunuch. What's he got to lose?
MCSPINDLE: You can't leave me...I'm..er...um...Your father?
Brag: Ball-less. Hey, I call a spayed a spayed.

Brad: You run towards the gate, but as you get nearer, a man steps forward to block your access. He is holding a loaded bow. A flint-tipped arrow is drawn taught to his lips and he is pointing it at your chest.
Rob: A "loaded bow"? Surely you mean a bow and arrow?
Brad: Yeah, I suppose. Unless it's a box magazine, I guess.
The man stares at you with fear in his eyes.

Brag: Fear me, me come from strange outside land in broom broom eunuch.

Brad: He is on the brink of releasing the bow string when your pursuer comes roaring up the track, closely followed by the other Angelino scouts. You scream a warning to Kate and throw yourself down as a double burst of machine gun fire strafes the palisade.

Brag: You little shits sold me out! No secrets of fire for you!

Brad: The bullets pass over your head and hit the archer in the chest, dropping him in a tangled heap on the threshold of the gateway. You spring to your feet and rush forward to help Kate drag his body away so that the gate can be closed. The other members of the settlement come to your aid, and once the gate is secure, they point to the cave mouth and urge you to enter. You do not want to abandon The BragWagon to the Angelinos, but to stay here and attempt to fight would be suicidal. Reluctantly you leave the gate and follow them into the cave.

MCSPINDLE: YOU CAN REALLY GO OFF A PERSON, YOU KNOW!
Brag: Hey, you've coped without me before. Besides, aren't you always saying that I'm holding you back?
MCSPINDLE: METAPHORICALLY!
Brag: Well, we'll see how you do solo, yeah? First challenge - you have to learn to drive!

Brad: Kate grips your hand tightly as you descend with a group of the cave people into the depths of the Sonora caverns. An astounding speleological feast greets your eyes as you follow them through a series of monumentous caves that have been eroded over millions of years by subterranean rivers and streams. The group stops frequently at specially prepared defensive hides, which are virtually impossible to see. One or two of their number, armed with rocks, spears and slings, occupy each of these positions. At once you see that it is their intention to lure the clansmen into the caverns and fight them here, where, despite their lack of firearms, the odds are in their favour.
Soon the sound of gun fire begins to penetrate the caverns, announcing the arrival of the clansmen.

Brag: You could just shout out!

Brad: You stop with Kate and crouch behind a clump of stalagmits, while the three remaining cave people arm themselves with rocks and take up a position on a ledge directly above a narrow defile. For several minutes theh sound of gun fire and the screams of the wounded fill the caves with clamouring echoes. Then two of the Angelinos appear at the entrance to the defile and come running towards you.

Brag: What have you come to defile...oh wait...

Brad: The cave people hurl their rocks and bring an Angelino crashing to the ground with a broken skull, but his partner avenges his death by sweeping them from the ledge with one long burst of automatic fire.
Rob: I use my pistol! I've seen one too many Bond movies I guess, but I probably will never use that rifle.
Brad: Does Bond hate rifles, or something?
The gun fire stops and you hear the unmistakeable sound of the Angelino reloading his machine pistol. Finally, he draws back its firing bolt and stars walking slowly towards your position. Your pulse is racing as you wait for the optimum moment to launch your ambush. The clansman's footsteps seem unberably loud by still you hesitate.
He stops and instinctively you spring to your feet...aim and fire.

Brag: Surprise, bitch!

Brad: Your ambush catches the clansman by surprise. But your aim is poor, and although your gun fire wings him and makes him cry out in pain, it does not prevent him from returning a burst of fire at your position.

MCSPINDLE: You suck!
Brag: How's that solitude treating you?!
MCSPINDLE: You're never alone with a CB radio and a dickhead to heckle.

Brad: The clansman's bullets whistle within inches of your head, and tear chunks of mineral from the stalagmites behind which you have dived. Razor-sharp splinters pepper your face and you skin your hands as you land heavily on the jadded, unyielding stone floor. Moments later the gunfire ceases and you hear the clansman utter an agonised scream.

Brag: Argh, motherfucker! I just had this face cleaned!

Brad: You lift your head in time to see him staggering slowly towards you, his eyes wide with pain as he works his hands frantically behind his back as if he were trying to clutch at something. Then his body stiffens, and, as he falls to the floor, you see what it was that he was trying to desperately to clasp. It is the spear-like tip of a broken stalactite, hurled from the ledge above the defile by a mortally wounded caveman in a last desperate act of defiance.

MCSPINDLE: Bit fucking convenient, if you ask me.
Brag: Hah! Ended by your own savages!

Brad: Kate moves forward to check that the clansman is dead and to search his body. She keeps what she needs: his machine pistol, a quantity of ammunition and his water canteen, and offers the rest of his possessions to you:

One Meal
One Medi-kit
+2 Flick KNife
Compass
Binoculars

Rob: Right...I take the med kit and use it immediately. I take the meal and leave the rest.
Brad: As soon as you are ready you retrace your way along the defile and return to the surface. When you emerge from the caverns you are astounded to see that the Angelinos have been completely overwhelmed by this colony of cave dwellers.

Brag: Wow, where were you on the Island of the Lizard King?

Brad: The few clansmen to have survived the ambush have been trussed up like turkeys and are being guarded by a circle of spear-wielding women. The rest of the colony are so busy stripping and searching the bodies of those they have killed that they fail to notice you and Kate, as you leave the entrance quietly and make your way back to The BragWagon.

MCSPINDLE: *cough* I'm dying, Brag...
Brag: Bullshit.
MCSPINDLE: If you see Cutter, tell him I said...*wheeze*...'Grammar Fail'.
Brag: Wait, are you fucking serious?!

Brad: You inspect the damage.

Brag: Please be Spark Plugs...
MCSPINDLE: Tell your sister...you were right...
Brag: My sister is a pile of nuclear fallout. You know that!

Brad: Your fears are confirmed: you no longer have sufficient fuel to reach Kent. You syphon the tanks of the clansmen's bikes, and save what you can from the bottom of the two perforated fuel cannisters, but you estimate that in total you have only enough to take you 120 miles. As you are leaving, you notice that the cave people are preparing a funeral pyre for those who were killed in the fighting. It strikes you as a very sensible and civilised way to dispose of the dead, and makes you think that perhaps your suspeicions about these people were groundless after all. Your illusions about the cave people are soon shattered, however, when Kate points out that they are not burning the dead at all: they are cooking them.

TO BE CONTINUED...

E14 Exchange

2011-11-18T12:00:00.005Z

Rob : I hate people sometimes.
Brad: I hate some people all times.
Rob : That's also fair.

Brad: I hate this fucking PC.
Rob : I'm testing on my own phone today.
Brad: Hope they pay your bill.
Rob : I've got a data plan, I'm good.
Brad: They don't need to know that.

Rob : I wish I’d known about this on Tuesday.
Brad: Is this for real?
Rob : Scarily so.
Brad: With a bit of effort, this could have made a great parody.
Rob : I know. It's terrifying that it exists.
Brad: It's terrifying that no-one, at any point, pointed out what a stupid idea it is. I'd be like "Riskay? Do people really talk this way? More to the point, what is it going to prove? Surely it's just going to smell of dick? Unless it smells of poop, I guess. Then you've probably got a case. Or an infection. In any event, no-one is coming out of this song looking good. I was going to say 'smelling of roses' but I was aware that would probably only compound the problem."

Rob : I like that she says "Can I smell yo dick? Oh, if I'm polite it won't sound retarded."
Brad: Maybe we're underestimating her.
Rob : How could we do that?
Brad: You know how Sherlock Holmes could identify any brand of cigar from the ash? Maybe she can identify...the type of...thing...from the scent of...She's an idiot. It's cute she think it's a fool-proof method. "Yeah, because he won't have showered afterward."
Rob : I never understood that logic. Surely if he comes through the door looking fresh, you're pretty much fucked.

Brad: Maybe we're misinterpreting it. Maybe it's not CSI: Underpants, so much as: "Something stinks in here. What the hell is that? Barry? Is that your dick I can smell? Can I smell your dick?"
Rob : "Oh my....did you fuck a decaying whale carcass?"
Brad: One time. One time. Is this a hipster?
Rob : Not from that video, but looking at her other videos and favourites, undoubtedly. That is a hipster.
Brad: I'm still not 100% on what a hipster is.
Rob : The kind of person who'd put the original sentiment in these.
Brad: This is my new favourite webpage. It's kind of emo, then?
Rob : Yeah, I guess.
Brad: She probably thinks she's really funny because she did that.
Rob : Without doubt.
Brad: She probably also has a boyfriend who quotes Family Guy all the time, and she loves him because "he's just so random".

Brad: What is it with CG blood, recently? How can it be cheaper to produce than fake blood?
Rob : We talked about this last night after you left. I hate unnecessary CG because it's probably more expensive than just doing it properly.
Brad: Yeah, they do it because they can, rather than stopping to consider if they *should*.

Brad: Just read an update on Facebook: "Cannot believe how quickly a 20 month old can wreck a house".
Rob : Literally?
Brad: Tempted to say. "That's nothing. I'll rent a demolition ball and show you how quickly a house can wreck a 20 month old."
Rob : Outstanding.
Brad: I have to tone that shit down, though. Facebook is really starting to make me look like a Tesco Value Supervillain. With a shit moustache.
Rob : Yes! There's my new gimmick. SmartPrice Joker.
Brad: LidlMan.
Rob : Nanananananana NettoBoy. Two-TasteTheDifference.
Brad: Asda al-Ghul
Rob : Morrisons Man - "You'll never beat me the Safe Way!"
Brad: These aren't the bargains the city needs, but they're the ones it deserves.
Rob : "What will you do?" "We'll roll him back...Because he can take it…and compare it against prices of other superheroes, and get 10% of the difference back."

Rob : What did you score Plants vs Zombies? My battery'd die if I tried the web on my phone.
Brad: 6. It's okay, but I played for over six hours and aced *every* level on the first attempt.
Rob : Fair enough.
Brad: And I SUCK at games.
Rob : Yeah, remember that time I whooped your ass at NHL?
Brad: ...No.
Rob : Really? It was like 13-6 or something.
Brad: I was playing as the Leafs! It's obviously just a very accurate simulation!
Rob : I was playing as the Raptors! It's not even their sport of choice!

Rob : Hooray, third well-known reply on Twitter.
Brad: Nice. Who?
Rob : Hilary Goldstein, ex-IGN US Editor in chief.
Brad: Stretching the definition of "well-known" a bit, isn't it?
Rob : He ran one of the most popular entertainment sites in the world.
Brad: I couldn't name the editorial team of *any* website. I'm a bit blurry on E14.
Rob : Editorial is you and Brian, isn't it?
Brad: Probably. The Doctor and Omer help out. You make the tea.
Rob : Wow, I wish I'd known that when we started. You still thirsty?
Brad: I can wait until after Brian dies of dehydration.
Rob : You did tell him he can drink other things, right?
Brad: What am I? His line manager?
Rob : Well I'm not. I make the tea!

Brad: Watching an anime. One character has a wobbly jelly noise accompanying her every time her tits or butt are in shot.
Rob : Christ.
Brad: I wouldn't mind if it were played for laughs, but in the main it's kind of a 'The Walking Dead' thing.
Rob : Mine didn't have that. Mine did have about eight separate (but identical) pairs of jugs.
Brad: I don't get anime.

*Rob and Brad were playing a game on Twitter, where #Bmovie was trending – Examples:

Rob : Can you think of any movies with a paedophile in them (and ideally a foreigner)?
Brad: Leon?
Rob : Not a paedophile foreigner.
Brad: Apart from being a French bloke who bangs an underage Natalie Portman?
Rob : I mean two different characters.
Brad: What?!
Rob : Never mind.
Rob : I was trying to think of a good B-movie gag for Alien vs Predator.
Brad: Ah, gotcha.

Follow Brad Harmer on Twitter
Follow Rob Wade on Twitter

Gaming Reviews

2011-11-17T12:00:00.024Z

Hector: Badge of Carnage - Episode 3: Beyond Reasonable Doom
Straandlooper/Telltale Games
Available now on PC, iPad, Mac, iPhone/iPod Touch (Coming Soon to PSN)
Review by Rob Wade

The mastermind behind the dastardly events in Clappers Wreake is finally known to Hector and his well-meaning but useless partner, Lambert. The problem? They’re the only ones who know, and they’re currently at the mercy of their tormentor! As Hector, it’s up to you to escape your captivity, and save the town of Clappers Wreake!

From an opening scene, which parodies movies like Saw with the typical sense of humour that players will have come to expect from the series until now, the game gives you the impression that you’re off to a flyer, and indeed you won’t be disappointed in general. One nice thing about this section is how well it utilises both detectives in puzzle-solving, particularly as it relies on each detective for different things depending on their strengths and weaknesses.

The gags in this one are as strong as they’ve ever been in the series, with a lot of characters from previous episodes making a return for the series’ grand finale. As before, too, there’s the same quality of pop culture references, with a four year old baby called Kiefer with rotten teeth a particular highlight for me. Without going into too much detail, the gags during that particular exchange are pretty funny.

Of course, point and click adventure gaming depends so heavily on the quality of the puzzles available, and in this vein this episode performs pretty well. The puzzles are clever, without being so off-the-wall that it seems out of place. However, the puzzles in this one did seem a little easier than previous instalments, maybe because I’d become accustomed to the game’s storytelling approach. Either way, the game felt a little bit more simple, mainly because the puzzles seemed a little too easy to follow.

Also, the episode seems a little shorter than previous episodes, and I was able to breeze through this one in an evening of play. This may have been more of a sense than actually a shorter episode, as I didn’t actually keep track of my completion time on the previous two episodes, and may have been a symptom of the slightly easier-feeling puzzles. All in all, though, the episode ends really well, definitively while leaving many of the characters open for future returns. It should come as no surprise to regular readers that I’ve rather enjoyed this series, and as a result the fact that the episode is fun for me shouldn’t really be a shock either.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Really sharp cartoon graphics that hold up even at top resolution, much like the other two episodes.
Sound/Music: Some excellent dramatic music and sound effects, and some good voice acting.
Gameplay: The same point and click gameplay expected from the first two instalments, with a sense of humour which makes things enjoyable.
Lasting Appeal: A few hours of gameplay, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll go back and play the set from start to finish again.
Summary: A strong end to what has been a great series. Roll on Hector’s next adventure!8/10

Aliens: Infestation
WayForward/Sega
Available Now on Nintendo DS
Review by Brad Harmer

Aliens: Infestation pits players against the overwhelming Xenomorph hive using a vast selection of iconic weapons and tools from the series. Featuring character designs by popular comic artist Chris Bachalo and equipped with an upgrade and collectibles system, Aliens: Infestation aims to allow players to explore large-scale versions of some of the most fan-beloved environments of the iconic films.

When I was a kid, Alien 3 had a video game-tie in. It had very little to do with Alien 3, and was obviously based on Aliens, as you ran around a platform game with a pulse-rifle, flame-thrower, grenade launcher, etc, blowing up wave after wave of Xenomorphs and rescuing cocooned colonists. Imagine my surprise when I booted up Aliens: Infestation to discover that it is almost exactly the same game.

Aliens: Infestation is so retro that – apart from some very nicely animated sprites – it’s like the past fifteen years never happened. It’s a side-scrolling platformer from the mid-nineties, with all the clichés, difficulty spikes and frustration that that entails. It’s a real shame, frankly, as the Aliens series deserves a good video game, and this certainly isn’t it.

Now, onto the things that really annoyed me about Aliens: Infestation. I would say I’m much more a fan of Aliens, than I am a fan of “video games”. So here’s the fan disservice:

The game starts with your marines investigating the Sulaco, left drifting in space, following the events of the opening sequence of Alien 3. As you board the Sulaco, you bump into a load of killer robots, with no real explanation (Another hangover of 90s video gaming. Hell, I was surprised they didn’t throw a construction site level in here...). After defeating them, you crawl into the ducting to discover, in the middle of the air-conditioning system...an Alien Queen! Difficulty spike ensues.

But where did this Alien Queen come from? One was blown out of the airlock, and one is inside Ripley. So, how did a fully grown Queen materialise, with no host body?

After that, you land down to investigate the Hadley’s Hope colony on LV-426.

You know...that one that exploded.

Scratch that...that one whose impending explosion was THE MAJOR PLOT POINT OF THE SECOND HALF OF THE FILM.

So, maybe it’s a prequel, right? I mean, that’s possible?

Except you investigated the Sulaco, earlier...

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: The sprites are nicely animated, with a good comic-book feel to them, but the backgrounds are very 1990s.
Sound/Music: Nothing good. Nothing bad.
Gameplay: This is like a platformer from 1996. Some nice little touches don’t come even close to compensating for how outdated the bulk of it is.
Lasting Appeal: Pretty short, and you’ll probably be bored long before then, anyway.
Summary: Retro in all the wrong way, full of plot-holes and difficulty spikes, this really isn’t worth bothering with. 4/10

Serious Sam: The Random Encounter
Vlambeer/Devolver Digital
Available now on PC
Review by Rob Wade

Oh, gamers. I have such a hard time figuring many of you out. When Duke Nukem Forever was released earlier this year, it was met with such hate-fuelled vitriol that I wouldn’t be surprised if the game’s critical reception had put a serious dent in Gearbox’s ambition for the franchise. Incidentally, I played it all the way through (something I doubt many of the critics actually did, if many of them even *attempted* it – one thing the Internet seems to love is a good hate mob), and didn’t find it that bad at all. What’s more, many of the criticisms aimed at the game could be just as easily applied, in my view, to the Serious Sam franchise, which has irked me in the past for monologue reasons, specifically the inanity of many of his “catchphrases”.

Anyway, Serious Sam: The Random Encounter is part of an indie project to build some smaller games in the franchise to publicise the upcoming new release. Vlambeer have chosen to go for somewhat of a departure from the series’ traditional routes, going with a 2D RPG in the vein of some of the old classics. Players play as Sam (and eventually, a pair of companions) and explore a temple in search of Mental, the game’s enemy, while at the same time fighting off a considerable number of enemies. Pleasingly, this game is very easy to recommend, as it has turned out very enjoyable indeed.

The game’s controls couldn’t be simpler. Players manoeuver Sam through dungeons simply using the directional keys on the keyboard, and use Z and X to choose/cancel options. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought it might, as it’s essentially a Game Boy RPG’s controls, the first that I can think of being Pokémon (tragic, eh?). It’s really easy to learn, and the game never pressures you into rushing your decision, which helps.

When the player enters into battles, which in true RPG fashion are random and appear at any time (usually when you don’t want them to), the menu system works in traditional RPG fashion, with the ability to fight and choose items. Players can also swap between a variety of weapons, all of which have different effects and strengths in different situations, at the cost of part of a turn (which lasts 5 seconds at a time before players can set up a new turn and choose some other options). What’s nice about this is that the game adds in a layer of strategy, as players having different weapon types and choices allows for many different approaches.

If I have one criticism of the game (and it’s more a result of the mechanics than anything technically poor), it’s that the random encounters can lead to the game becoming punishingly difficult in a random turn. If your turn loads up, and you find yourself facing 20+ enemies, 5 of which are really fast and powerful, you’re pretty much fucked. As a result of this, too, it’s possible to lose interest very quickly if the random encounters make the game “cheap” for a short while, as the game employs a 3-life system, which can be frustrating when the game stacks the odds against you. Ultimately, though, the game is pretty good fun, and should definitely be tried out, particularly as the price is cheaper than your average magazine.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Looks like one of the classic top-down games of yesteryear, with graphics to match. Can be run in letterbox and full screen modes, the latter of which makes the blocky textures all the more noticeable. Still, suits the style well enough.
Sound/Music: Sounds like more retro stuff, quite enjoyable.
Gameplay: An enjoyable blend of RPG and shooter with a decent learning curve and a nice hint of strategy.
Lasting Appeal: A few hours worth, but has an “Endless Mode” which will undoubtedly add a few hours to it.
Summary: A good fun game, although it can be punishing. 7/10

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Red Weed

2011-11-16T12:00:00.006Z

EPISODE XIXa: WHAT WE SAW FROM THE RUINED HOUSE

After eating we crept back to the scullery, and there I grabbed a few hours sleep. When I awoke was alone. I called after the curate several times, and finally went to the kitchen. It was still daylight, and I saw him across the room, lying against the hole that looked out upon the Marsians. His shoulders were hunched, so that his head was hidden from me. I crossed my fingers that he had been decapitated.

I could hear a number of noises almost like those in an engine shed; and the place rocked with that beating thud. For a minute or so I remained watching Father Irritating, and then I advanced, crouching and stepping with extreme care amid the broken crockery that littered the floor.

I tapped the priest’s shoulder, and he jumped so high that he cracked his head on the ceiling and a mass of plaster went sliding down outside and fell with a loud impact. I supressed a giggle at his pain. The detachment of the plaster had left a vertical slit open in the debris, and by raising myself cautiously I was able to see out of this gap into what had once been a quiet roadway.

The fifth cylinder must have fallen right into the midst of the house we had first visited. The building had vanished, completely smashed, pulverised, and kersploded by the impact. The cylinder lay now far beneath the original foundations—deep in a hole, already vastly larger than the pit I had looked into at Woking. The earth all round it had splashed under that tremendous impact and lay in heaped piles that hid the masses of the adjacent houses. Our house had collapsed backward; the front portion, even on the ground floor, had been destroyed completely. We hung now on the very edge of the great circular pit the Marsians were engaged in making.

The cylinder was already opened in the centre of the pit, and on the farther edge of the pit, amid the smashed and gravel-heaped shrubbery, one of the great fighting-machines, deserted by its occupant, stood stiff and tall against the evening sky. At first I scarcely noticed the pit and the cylinder, on account of the extraordinary glittering mechanism I saw busy in the excavation, and on account of the strange creatures that were crawling slowly and painfully across the heaped mould near it.

The mechanism it certainly was that held my attention first. It was one of those complicated fabrics that have since been called handling-machines, and the study of which has already given such an enormous impetus to terrestrial invention. As it dawned upon me first, it presented a sort of metallic spider with five jointed, agile legs, and with an extraordinary number of jointed levers, bars, and reaching and clutching tentacles about its body.

Its motion was so swift, complex, and perfect that at first I did not see it as a machine, in spite of its metallic glitter. The fighting-machines were coordinated and animated to an extraordinary pitch, but nothing to compare with this. People who have never seen these structures, and have only the ill-imagined efforts of artists or the imperfect descriptions of such eye-witnesses as myself to go upon, scarcely realise that living quality.

At first, I say, the handling-machine did not impress me as a machine, but as a crablike creature. The controlling Martian whose delicate tentacles actuated its movements seeming to be simply the equivalent of the crab's brain. But then I perceived the resemblance of its grey-brown, shiny, leathery integument to that of the other sprawling bodies beyond, and the true nature of this dexterous workman dawned upon me. With that realisation my interest shifted to those other creatures, the real Marsians.

They were, I now saw, the most unearthly creatures it is possible to conceive. They were huge round bodies—or, rather, heads—about four feet in diameter, each body having in front of it a face. This face had no nostrils—indeed, the Martians do not seem to have had any sense of smell, but it had a pair of very large dark-coloured eyes, and just beneath this a kind of fleshy beak.

In the back of this head or body—I scarcely know how to speak of it—was the single tight tympanic surface, since known to be anatomically an ear, though it must have been almost useless in our dense air. In a group round the mouth were sixteen slender, almost whiplike tentacles, arranged in two bunches of eight each. These bunches have since been named rather aptly, by that distinguished anatomist, Professor Howes, the hands. Even as I saw these Marsians for the first time they seemed to be endeavouring to raise themselves on these hands, but of course, with the increased weight of terrestrial conditions, this was impossible. There is reason to suppose that on Mars they may have progressed upon them with some facility.

The internal anatomy, I may remark here, as dissection has since shown, was almost equally simple. The greater part of the structure was the brain, sending enormous nerves to the eyes, ear, and tactile tentacles. Besides this were the bulky lungs, into which the mouth opened, and the heart and its vessels. The pulmonary distress caused by the denser atmosphere and greater gravitational attraction was only too evident in the convulsive movements of the outer skin.
And this was the sum of the Marsian organs. Strange as it may seem to a human being, all the complex apparatus of digestion, which makes up the bulk of our bodies, did not exist in the Martians. They were heads—merely heads. Dickheads. Massive, planet invading dickheads.

Entrails they had none. They did not eat, much less digest. Instead, they took the fresh, living blood of other creatures, and injected it into their own veins. I have myself seen this being done, as I shall mention in its place. But, squeamish as I may seem, I cannot bring myself to describe what I could not endure even to continue watching. Let it suffice to say, blood obtained from a still living animal, in most cases from a human being, was run directly by means of a little pipette into the recipient canal...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Words: Brad Harmer & H.G. Wells
You can become Brad's "friend" on Facebook, or you can "follow" him on Twitter. Depends how creepy you want to sound really.

JIMMY CARR GIVEAWAY

Having performed live to over 1.2m people, the UK's hardest working comedian Jimmy Carr is back with his brand new stand-up DVD.

Star of hit TV shows 8 Out of 10 Cats and 10 O'clock Live, Jimmy is well known for his slick one-liners and non-stop gags, but his acerbic wit and fast-paced comedy style are at their brilliant best when he has the stage to himself.

Packed with over 100 minutes of brand new material, including too-rude-for-TV jokes, hilarious heckling, and even better put-downs, Jimmy pushes the boundaries of comedy and delivers a spectacular show.

Thanks to our friends at Channel 4, we've got three signed copies of Jimmy Carr: Being Funny on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Wednesday 23rd November, making sure to put "Jimmy Carr" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a *signed* copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Jimmy Carr" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Jimmy Carr: Being Funny is available as of November 21st, courtesy of Channel 4 DVD.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

E14 Stand-Up Round-Up

2011-11-14T13:00:00.016Z

Dylan Moran: Yeah, Yeah
Universal Pictures UK
Available now on DVD
Review by Rob Wade

Dylan Moran, star of Black Books, Shaun of the Dead and Run Fat Boy Run brings a brand new live DVD for 2011. Ageing, religion, kids, and relationships intertwine with the general absurdities of life.

As an E14 comedian, there are very few with the comedic CV of Dylan Moran. Star of the above movies and TV shows, all of which should really be considered required viewing, his stand-up is usually a great source of hilarity as well, as although he covers subjects which arguably should mean more to the older audience member than most, he does it in such a way that comedy fans of any age can get some enjoyment from it, mainly because he talks about things like technology with the kind of reluctance which evokes images of a cat pawing at something disdainfully.

Indeed, this DVD is no different. As is the case with many comedians, if you’ve found yourself watching previous iterations of their comedy and not enjoyed it, it’s unlikely that this one will be the one to completely change your mind, as Moran plays out his new material in much the same method as the previous tours. The new material covers similar subjects to the previous shows, such as political events, relationships and children, and is delivered with Moran’s trademark curmudgeonly fashion mixed with a dash of the madcap.

Although the show isn’t a fantastically long one, and clocks in at around an hour and twenty minutes or so, you will find yourself laughing for a tremendous portion of it. Definitely worth a look if you’re a fan of Dylan Moran, and I’d have to say that it’s worth checking out if you’ve never dabbled in his stand-up stuff at all, as it’s a good show to jump on with.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: Some references to having sex with things, mainly inanimate objects bizarrely.
Swearing: He swears plenty.
Summary: A really funny show, as you would expect from a comedian of Dylan Moran’s calibre. 8/10

Tim Minchin and the Heritage Orchestra: Live at the Royal Albert Hall

Universal Pictures UK
Available now on DVD and Blu-Ray/DVD Combo
Review by Rob Wade

Travelling the country with a 55-piece Orchestra and a band on his first UK arena tour, Tim Minchin performs his most spectacular show to over 100,000 people across the country.

In all my time appreciating comedy critically, few acts have polarised among my friends as heavily as Tim Minchin. Some can’t get on with his style. Some, like my girlfriend, I’m convinced would leave me given interest from the gawky Australian songster. Still, I’m fairly sure I’m worrying over nothing. Fairly.

The show being released this year is a particularly grand one, with the 55-piece Heritage Orchestra adding a tremendous amount of depth to the songs in his repertoire, a fair few of which are new and have not been heard before on DVD (although one song, “The Pope Song” seems to resonate with a few audience members, which makes me think that it may have circulated online a bit). It’s a format that seems to suit his style pretty well, as is the choice of venue in the Royal Albert Hall.

Indeed, the show in general is an entertaining one, and you couldn’t argue that you didn’t get your money’s worth considering that the show runs for two and a half hours. For those fans who crave new material, as I say there are a few new ones in here. Don’t expect a full hour of new tracks though, as the show is largely about adding depth to the existing favourites, many of which are improved for the experience. Maybe not quite as big a difference as when Metallica or Kiss did it, but it’s still an improvement.

The style of the show is very much in a similar vein to Minchin’s other shows, with long spoken portions between songs in Minchin’s gawky, slightly shy style. While I, as someone who likes him alright, found that the speech parts were just starting to drag a little when he’d move into his next song, for someone who isn’t a fan those monologues would be significantly more annoying.

The songs, however, are worth the perseverance, with an early number called “Cont” a particular highlight. Ultimately, if you’re willing to listen to a slightly awkward Australian man explain his parenting style (which does build to a pretty funny gag), you will find that the songs are worth the price of admission.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: He makes pretty frequent mention to genitals and sex.
Swearing: He swears a surprisingly large amount, particularly during “The Pope Song”.
Summary: If you’re not a fan, there’s going to be very little to entice you. If you’re into his shows, this is a good one to go for. 7/10

Greg Davies: Firing Cheeseballs at a Dog

Universal Pictures UK
Avaiable now on DVD and Blu-Ray/DVD Combo
Review by Rob Wade

Best known for his appearances on panel shows, as well as playing the teacher from The Inbetweeners, former teacher Greg Davies takes to the stage for his live show. What follows is a story of his mountain retreat, which consists of, you guessed it, “Firing cheeseballs at a dog”, as well as a series of stories from his life to give the audience some perspective.

It’s not hard to see that Greg Davies’ career history includes academia, particularly as his visual aid consists of a flipchart and a marker pen, as well as a series of stories about school life including audience participation. It’s even apt considering that he also ends up with a cock and balls drawn on the flipchart! This format, while slightly unorthodox, is probably one of the freshest I’ve seen. A segment on drama lessons called “Space Mission” is probably one of the funniest things I’ve seen in comedy for some time.

Davies also employs an audience member to read “pithy stories” to detract briefly from the main narrative, which keeps the flow quick and well-paced. It’s clear from his show that he’s taken the best things from his teaching position in terms of keeping interest and interacting with an audience, and his audience participation sections are hilarious both for the suggestions of the audience and Davies’ infectious laugh. Ultimately, there are comedy releases this year that you will probably be more drawn to (many of which you’ll see reviewed highly on this site this month), but actually this is probably one of the ones I’d recommend the highest.

Greg Davies has always tickled my funny bone in his other works (his appearances on Mock the Week a particular highlight for me), but that admiration has always come with a sense of wonder that maybe his stand-up might be a let-down for no discernible reason in my mind other than being let down by other comedians in the same vein in the past. However, one thing I love about being a reviewer is when I’m proven wrong, because when there are tons of good DVDs in the shops, everyone wins. Davies is a winner. His show is honest, engaging, fresh and feels like watching a superstar in the making.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: Talks a fair bit about sex at the beginning.
Swearing: Unsurprisingly, a fair bit.
Summary: A show that demonstrates the comedic talent of Davies better than any of his previous works. Superb. 9/10

E14TV Exclusive - Clip from Dylan Moran's Upcoming DVD "Yeah, Yeah"

2011-11-13T12:00:00.005Z

Everyone’s favourite Irish comedian, Dylan Moran, is back with his new stand-up tour ‘Yeah Yeah’. Available on DVD 14th November, you can pre-order yourself a copy here

Look out for E14's review tomorrow!

DVD Reviews

2011-11-12T12:00:00.050Z

Panic Button
Starring: Jack Gordon, Michael Jibson, Scarlett Alice Johnson
Director: Chris Crow
Showbox
Available Now
Review by Blake Harmer

After four young people win a competition for an all expenses paid trip to New York, courtesy of the social network site All2gethr.com, they board the private jet, and are asked to relinquish their mobile phones and take part in the in-flight entertainment - a new online gaming experience.

Once airborne the games begin, and it soon becomes evident through a series of twisted and sickening tasks, that the passengers' mystery host knows far more than they ever dared imagine, but are they all as innocent as they seem?

I know what you’re thinking...At what point does a panic button become involved in that story?

The answer is it doesn’t, and to my recollection I can’t remember it even being mentioned. That said, though, this is still a horror movie that can make you feel uneasy despite its unnecessary name and low budget. Shot almost entirely on a plane from which there is no escape, the cast are at the mercy of a man who knows everything about them...due to having access to what they get up to online. Things only get worse from there, as well, as the contestants find themselves trying to play for their lives and their loved ones.

The problem with the film (aside from all those mentioned previously) is that none of the characters are really that likeable. While it is true that after you hear about what they do on the Internet you have perfect justification for hating them, you don’t really feel for them and just find them annoying, to the point that you can’t wait for them to be killed. Also, while the main plot twist is good, the other minor plot developments seem flimsy and seem a bit tacked on in order to ramp up the violence and horror.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: A few grisly death scenes but you will have seen worse.
Sex/Nudity: Plenty of references, most of them dodgy, but nothing is shown.
Swearing: Plenty of swearing as is normal for low budget horror films
Summary: An good low budget thriller sadly suffering with just enough flaws to prevent it being essential viewing. However, you could do worse than this. 6/10

Silent Running
Starring: Bruce Dern, Cliff Potts, Ron Rifkin
Director: Douglas Trumbull
Eureka Entertainment
Available from Monday 14th November
Review by Blake Harmer

Freeman Lowell is in charge of looking after the last of Earth’s forests in greenhouses on the giant spaceship “Valley Forge”, after they have long since been destroyed on Earth due to neglect. However, when orders from Earth are received to destroy the greenhouses, Lowell can't go through with it, and when he cannot persuade his three colleagues to help him save the plants, he decides to try and save the forests through any means necessary.

This film is an excellent slice of sci-fi viewing. From its simple eco-friendly message and premise, to the social commentary on humanity’s dependance upon science and nature in different ways, to the three drones that steal the show (and deserve a place amongst Robby the Robot and R2-D2 as cinema’s greatest robots. The film is essential viewing if you are a fan of sci-fi.

This is also because Silent Running captures the feeling of loneliness in space, and also has a protagonist who forces you to constantly question his morals as to whether he truly is doing the right thing, and the downbeat ending only heightens that.

The only real downsides to this well crafted piece of science-fiction is that the pacing is quite slow compared to what modern day audiences are used to, especially as it really starts to drag after the halfway point. Aside from that, I felt the main problems were more to do with the HD clean up. Whilst there were no pops or scratches to be seen, I still felt that the footage was grainy at times, which makes the film show its age (if it wasn’t doing that already with its obviously hippy views). I also thought the sound could be better as it wasn’t as crisp as I would come to expect for a Blu-ray release. That said, there are quite a few extras here to enjoy, so fans may wish to consider upgrading from their DVD just for that.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: A couple of fight scenes and explosions that lead to a few deaths, but nothing bloody is shown.
Sex/Nudity: None...unless you consider the robots to be naked...I hope that’s an arm anyway.
Swearing: A couple of light swear words. Nothing to worry your Nan over.
Summary: An excellent sci-fi film that I would recommend to any fan of the genre if they haven’t seen it. However, the update to Blu-ray could have been better, but considering the extras and the fact this is a thirty year old film. This is still worth getting. 8/10

Redline

Starring: Liam O'Brien, Patrick Seitz
Director: Takashi Koike
Manga Video
Available from 14/11/11 on DVD and Blu-Ray
Review by Rob Wade

Redline is the biggest and most deadly racing tournament in the universe. Only held once every five years, everyone wants to stake their claim to fame, including JP, a reckless dare-devil driver oblivious to speed limits with his ultra-customised car - all the while, organised crime and militaristic governments want to leverage the race to their own ends. Amongst the other elite rival drivers in the tournament, JP falls for the alluring Sonoshee - but will she prove his undoing, or can a high speed romance survive a mass destruction?

Redline can best be described as Wacky Races meets F-Zero, a high-octane movie and no mistake. Right away, though, this speed in the action scenes causes issues. Don't get me wrong, the action scenes in this movie, though fast, work really well and look stunning for that matter as well. The premise, too, is a good one. Where the problem falls is that the action scenes frame the beginning and end of the movie, but take up a relatively low percentage of a reasonable length movie. A lot of the movie is spent developing the characters, particularly the protagonist, but the movie could have done with being twenty minutes longer, or shortening the montage describing some of the racers (though that was the bit with tits, so it's a tricky one to call).

The other issue that occurs is that the movie is primarily, according to the director, a love story. That means that the movie, in accordance with this, has a sappy-as-fuck ending. Not the most annoying thing about the ending, however, as the last twenty minutes are a clusterfuck. There's too much going on that hasn't been given sufficient plot depth, and so when everything kicks off you find yourself left scratching your head a little. This isn't to say that the film is even incomprehensible, as it's simple enough to follow. Just not as coherent as one might hope for, which is ultimately the plot summed up in one sentence of me.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Cars smashing and shooting each other everywhere. One fight.
Sex/Nudity: One topless scene.
Swearing: Plenty, including "Cocksucker", "pussy" and "fucker".
Summary: An enjoyable enough one, worth checking out. Probably worth the Blu-Ray upgrade if you can find it in a sale, too. 7/10

Dickass DM

2011-11-11T12:00:00.008Z

Brad: Once you are safely across the bridge, you keep your foot on the gas pedal until the town of Christoval disappears from your rear-view mirror.
Rob: Ahhhh.

Brag: Ahhhh.

Brad: Ahead, the highway crosses an especially bleak and barren land-scape, seemingly devoid of even the hardiest flora and fauna. It looks more like a moonscape than a landscape, and, were it not for the setting sun and the welcome cool of dusk, you could easily believe that you had been the transferred to the surface of another world.

MCSPINDLE: Yes, because other planets don't have "days".

Brad: It it almost dark when the outline of a town appears on the horizon. Its shattered building are thrown into relief by the ashen moonlight.

Brag: Now entering...Silent Hi....oh shit.

Brad: A battered sign reflects the glare of your headlamps and announces your approach to the town of Eldorado.

Brag: We're unlikely to find any riches in such a derelict town.
Kate: I guess you're right.
Brag: Mainly because I see a Netto.
Kate: But we might find us somewhere to rest up a while. I sure could use a few hours' sleep.
Brag: I could watch you sleep...I mean....masturbate while watching you sleep.

Brad: The dangers you have encountered during the day have kept you mentally and physically alert, but now that the immediate threat has passed, the fatigue of your ordeal catches up with you all at once. Your need to rest makes the thought of stopping here almost irresistible, but, no matter how tired you feel, you cannot ignore the fact that you are being hunted by the Angelinos.
Rob: Stop and rest in Eldorado. Fatigue is a fucker, I should know.
Brad: Having chosen to stop here and rest, you pull off the highway and search among the ruins for a safe shelter. You are looking for a place where you will be able to hide the roadster and observe the road; if the Angelinos appear during the night, you will need as much forewarning of their arrival as possible in order to make a successful getaway.
Rob: Is there a Premier Inn?
Brad: Is it a good thing if there is?
Only one place meets your needs: a warehouse and factory complex near the middle of the town.
Rob: Close enough.
Brad: The cracked and tarnished facia above its entrance tell you that this was once the Eldorado Woolen Mills. You park the BragWagon in a covered lot at the rear, then settle yourselves on the first floor in a workshop that has an unobstructed view of the highway. Kate curls up beside you and falls asleep in your arms, while you, heavy with fatigue, force yourself to stay awake and watch the highway.
Rob: So hang on...what was the point of stopping?
Brad: Your vigilance pays off when, two hours later, you see a line of lights in the double doors leading to the kitchen and you head straight for them.

MCSPINDLE: I said drive in shifts, but you wouldn't listen.

Brad: You try to wake Kate but she is in a deep sleep and does not respond imediately. When at last you succeed in rousing her it is too late to attempt a quick getaway by car. You watch tensely as the bikers ride into the town. You give a silent prayer that they will pass through Eldorado without stopping, but to no avail. They bring their machines to a halt in the middle of the town and begin a search of the surrounding ruins.
You look around the workshop for somewhere to hide.

Brag: [to Kate] Shhhhh.

Brad: The sound of footsteps echoes through the building as you help Kate to conceal herself in an old stationery cupboard.

Brag: Think like a stapler...

Brad: Once she is well hidden, you slip inside an adjoining storage room that is filled from floor to ceiling with musty mohair blankers.
What is a mo, anyway?
Rob: A short moment.
Brad: Minutes later, you hear a clansman walk into the workshop. You hold your breath and listen to his every move, but your concentration is suddenly broken when you feel something crawling up the back of your left hand. You flick your hand and the tickling sensation stops, as do the footsteps of the clansman. He has heard you moving. There is a click of a pistol hammer being cocked and then you hear his footsteps once more as slowly he approaches the store room door.
Rob: I draw my flick knife, ready to defend myself.
Brad: You tighten your grip on your close combat weapon as the door handle turns. The door flies open and you stare at the startled face of your enemy as you spring forward and strike the first blow. Your speedy attack opens a gash across his forehead and knocks the pistol from his hand. He reels back, clutching his face, and immediately you press forward to strike again, eager to silence him before he can raise the alarm.

RUNNING COMBAT:
You snap his neck.
Armalite is defeated.

Brag: Well, that was...well.
MCSPINDLE: Brutal.

Brad: Kate emerges from her hiding place and helps you search the dead clansman's body. Apart from his pistol and a quantity of 9 mm ammunition, which Kate chooses to keep, you discover that he was carrying the following items:

Water Canteen (containing 1.5 pints of water)
Two MediKits
+2 Hunting Knife
Flexible Saw
3 x 12-gauge shells
Bolt Cutters

Brad: Let me know what you want.
Rob: Water. Medkits. 3 shells.

Kate: But you don't own a shotgun...
Brag: Yet...And somebody bogarted the 9mm ammo.

Brad: As soon as you have hidden his body beneath a heap of blankets, you gather up your equipment and leave the workshop before his disappearance is noticed. You manage to find your way back to the roadster without running into the clansmen and waste no time in making a hasty escape from Eldorado.

Brag: See what I mean? No riches.

Brad: The enemy are slow to react to your getaway and you are more than ten miles from the town before you see their headlights in your driving mirror. Your speedy escape may have wrong-footed them, but they have caught up quickly. Fearing that you will not be able to out-run them, you leave the highway and hide your roadster behind a rocky ridge that runs parallel to the road.
Rob: Rocky Ridge sounds like a shitty ice cream.
Brad: The sound of their engines grows louder as they approach, then fades quickly as the pack roars past, oblivious to your presence. With the immediate threat now gone, you decide to remain where you are and get a few hours sleep before continuing your journey at dawn. In the clear light of early morning you can see for miles across the rocky plain that surrounds the highway south of Eldorado. It appears empty, although you remain on the alert every second of your drive to Sonora, the next town marked on your map, for it is in this direction that the Angelinos were heading when they passed you last night. You are less than a mile from the ruins of Sonora when you are greeted by the welcome sight of Interstate 10, stretching east-to-west across your path.
This is the freeway you hope will take you all the way to your rendezvous with the colony at Kent, and then on through the mountains to El Paso.

Brag: Hooray, this could end up in a non-rape scenario! But I douuuuubt it.

Brad: You join the freeway and enjoy the feel of a firmer, clearer road surface beneath your wheels as you begin the long drive west. Still you can see no sign of the Angelinos, and Kate voices her hope that they have decided to search Sonora, thinking you may have hidden there last night.

Brag: Yeah, probably. Lucky I slept...

Brad: You want to agree with her, but suddenly, in the distance, you see something that proves her wrong. Beneath a road bridge, a line of Angelinos is strung out across the freeway, each one sitting astride his bike with a rifle or a machine pistol resting across the handlebars. They are the clansmen whom you saw last night.

Brag: Hello!

Brad: Having realised that they must have passed you in the dark, they are waiting patiently for you to show up.

Brag: Wait, that's bad isn't it?

Brad: To your right you see an exit ramp that ascends to the bridge itself and, as the clansmen open fire, you steer your car towards it to avoid the withering hail of bullets. With tyres screeching, you turn on to the bridge and gun The BragWagon across it at top speed. Beyond the span you find secondary road that has barely survived the post-disaster years. A sign flashes past, identifying it as Road 1989, but you fail to see this number as you fight to avoid the boulders that lay strewn in your path. Kate has drawn her pistol and is firing over her shoulder at a biker, who is closing fast.
A pair of belt-fed machine guns are mounted atop the headlamp of his motorcycle, and he fires them in devastating bursts whenever the BragWagon fills his sights. So concerted is the fire that you are both forced to cower in your armour backed seats to avoid being hit.

MCSPINDLE: OW!
Brag: They're armour backed, don't be a ponce!

TO BE CONTINUED...

HELL TRAIN GIVEAWAY

At its peak in the 1960s, the legendary Hammer Films embarked upon an ill-fated new horror movie that was Dracula, Frankenstein and Dr Terror’s House Of Horrors all rolled into one...

Christopher Fowler, who created some of the most memorable taglines in movie history – including Alien’s “In space, no-one can hear you scream” – and whose company designed the iconic Trainspotting and Reservoir Dogs film posters, has crafted a terrifying tale set in the halcyon days of British horror cinema.

In his first book for Solaris, the multi-award winning author of the Bryant & May mysteries conjures up bizarre creatures, satanic rites, terrified passengers and the romance of train travel, all in a classically-styled horror novel that evokes the real-life spirits of this most British of movie studios.

When American screenwriter Shane Carter is asked to revive the classic studio’s fortunes and, inspired by an old board game, writes a script where four strangers who meet on a train journey through Eastern Europe during the First World War must solve a terrifying mystery if they are to survive.

As they race through the war-torn countryside, they must uncover the secrets of a locked casket and of the veiled Red Countess who travels with them. And what exactly is the devilish riddle of the train itself?!

Thanks to our friends at Solaris, we've got three copies of Hell Train to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Friday 25th November, making sure to put "Hell Train" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome book!

Don't forget to put "Hell Train" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Hell Train is available from 5th January 2012, courtesy of Solaris.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Red Weed

2011-11-09T12:00:00.003Z

EPISODE XVIIIb: UNDER FOOT

It was nearly eleven o'clock before we gathered courage to start again, no longer venturing into the road, but sneaking along hedge-rows and through fields; watching keenly through the darkness for the Marsians. In one place we blundered into a scorched and blackened area, and a number of scattered dead bodies of men, burned horribly about the heads and trunks, but with their legs and boots (and, thankfully, wallets) mostly intact; and of dead horses. And a pigeon.

The town of Sheen, it seemed, had escaped destruction, but was silent and deserted. Here we found no corpses, though the night was too dark for us to see into the side roads of the place. Father Irritating consistently complained of faintness and thirst, and we decided to try one of the houses.

The first house we entered, after a little difficulty with the window, was a small semi-detached villa, and I found nothing eatable left in the place but some mouldy Cheese Footballs. There was, however, water to drink; and I took a large fire axe, which promised to be useful in our next house-breakerising.

We then crossed to a place where the road turns towards Mortlake. Here there stood a white house within a walled garden, and in the pantry we found a store of food — two loaves of bread in a pan, an uncooked steak, and half a ham. I give this catalogue so precisely because, as it happened, we were destined to subsist upon this store for the next fortnight. Carlsberg Special Brew stood under a shelf, and there were two bags of haricot beans and some Pepperami. This pantry opened into a kind of wash-up kitchen, and in this was firewood.

We sat in the kitchen in the dark and ate bread and ham (an rustic pizza, I guess), and drank beer. All in all, there are worse ways to spend an alien invasion that threatens society.

Father Irritating, who was still restless, was now, oddly enough, wanting to press on, and I was urging him/holding him in a Boston Crab when something terrible happened.

"It can't even be midnight yet..." I murmured, and then came a blinding glare of vivid green light, and then followed such a concussion as I have never heard before or since. Almost simultaneously came a thud, a clash of glass, a crash and rattle of falling masonry all about us, and then the plaster of the ceiling came down upon us, smashing into a multitude of fragments upon our heads. I was bravely knocked headlong across the floor against the oven handle and stunned. I was insensible for a long time, Father Irritating told me, and when I came to we were in darkness again, and he, with a face wet, as I found afterwards, with blood from a cut forehead, was dabbing water over me.

For some time I could not recollect what had happened. Then things came to me slowly. A bruise on my temple asserted itself.

"Are you all right?" whispered the priest.

I sat up.

"Don't move," he said " The floor is covered with smashed crockery from the dresser. You can't possibly move without making a noise, and I fancy they are outside."

We both sat quite silent, so that we could scarcely hear each other breathing. Everything seemed deadly still, but once something near us, some plaster or broken brick-work, slid down with a rumbling sound. Outside and very near was an intermittent, metallic rattle.

"That!" said the curate, when presently it happened again.

"Yes," I said. "But what is it?"

"A Marsian!" said the curate.

I listened again.

"It wasn’t a Heat-Ray," I muttered, and for a time I was inclined to think one of the great fighting-machines had stumbled against the house.

Our situation was so strange and incomprehensible that we scarcely moved until the dawn came. The sunlight filtered in, not through the window, which remained black, but through a triangular
aperture between a beam and a heap of broken bricks in the wall behind us. The interior of the kitchen we now saw for the first time.

The window had been burst in by a mass of garden mould, which flowed over the table upon which we had been sitting and lay about our feet. Outside, the soil was banked high against the house. At the top of the window-frame we could see an uprooted drain-pipe. The floor was littered with smashed hardware; the end of the kitchen towards the house was broken into, and since the daylight shone in there, it was evident the greater part of the house had collapsed. Contrasting vividly with this ruin was the neat dresser, the wall-paper imitating blue and white tiles, and a couple of colored supplements fluttering from the walls above the kitchen range.

As the dawn grew clearer, we saw through the gap in the wall the body of a Marsian, standing sentinel, I suppose, over the still glowing cylinder. We crawled into the darkness of the scullery.

Abruptly the right interpretation of the things dawned upon my mind.

"The fifth cylinder," I whispered, "the fifth shot from Mars has struck the house and buried us under the ruins!"

For a time Father Irritating was silent, and then he whispered:

"God have mercy upon us!"

I heard him presently whimpering to himself, like a big fat gay.

Save for that sound we lay quite still in the scullery. I scarce dared breathe, and sat with my eyes fixed on the faint light of the kitchen door. I could just see the curate's face. Outside began a metallic hammering, then a violent hooting, and then again, after a quiet interval, a hissing, like the hissing of an engine. These noises, for the most part problematical, continued intermittently, and seemed, if anything, to increase in number as the time wore on. Presently a measured thudding, and a vibration that made everything about us quiver and the vessels in the pantry ring and shift, began and continued. Once the light was eclipsed, and the ghostly kitchen doorway became absolutely dark. For many hours we must have crouched there, silent and shivering, until our tired attention failed...

At last I found myself awake and very hungry. I am inclined to believe we must have spent the greater portion of a day before that awakening. My hunger was at a stride so insistent that it moved me to action. I told the curate I was going to seek food, and felt my way towards the pantry. He made me no answer, but so soon as I began eating the faint noise I made stirred him to action, and I heard him crawling after me. Prick.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Words: Brad Harmer & H.G. Wells
You can become Brad's "friend" on Facebook, or you can "follow" him on Twitter. Depends how creepy you want to sound really.

Book Reviews

2011-11-08T12:00:00.010Z

The Fear

Charlie Higson
Puffin Books
Available Now (Hardback)
Review by Rob Wade

The sickness struck everyone over the age of fourteen. Mothers and fathers, older brothers, sisters and best friends. No one escaped its touch. And now children across London are being hunted by ferocious grown-ups. DogNut and the rest of his crew set out to find their lost friends on a deadly mission from the Tower of London to Buckingham Palace and beyond, as the sickos lie in wait. He doesn’t know it, but DogNut is about to set off a chain of events that will affect every kid in the city…

As a series, Higson’s “The Enemy” series has hit a lot of the right points that define, in my eyes at least, a great zombie story (and although technically they’re never referred to as zombies, come on). All the best zombie stories deal heavily with themes of what happens to people once the event has occurred. In this case, the event is the sickness of everyone over the age of fourteen when the illness hit. What follows chronicles the degradation of the teenagers who survive and establish new societies, and it makes for some of the most compelling reading in the genre.

Set a few days before the events of the finale of the second volume, The Dead, the book follows DogNut and a group of youths who have set up shop at the Tower of London. They’re well defended, and have everything they need. However, that wouldn’t make for a very interesting book, would it? “DogNut and the Non-Adventures of the Teenagers Who Survive Despite Horrendous Circumstances” would hardly sell a dozen copies, and Muggins here would be the poor bastard responsible for reviewing it and selling two of those copies himself. So, DogNut takes a small group up the river Thames (not a euphemism) to search for some of his old friends from previous volumes.

If I had to make one criticism of this structure, it’s that with the story jumping around as it does between volumes, the series as a whole can be hard to follow if you’ve not read the previous books recently. As a standalone novel, the pacing is absolutely fine, and in most cases is really well done, but it can be hard to keep track of all the different characters, where they’re from and so on across the entire series so far.

However, this does not detract heavily from what is a really enjoyable read. The book does a really good job of bringing levity into an otherwise tense atmosphere, but knows exactly when to dial up the tension and make the action scenes more dramatic as a result. Once started, this book is difficult not to finish in one sitting, as you’ll generally catch the beginning of a hook that will keep you reading into the next chapter to find out what happens next, and there are plenty of new characters, including the intriguing (and at times amusing) Shadowman.

In addition, the book introduces some interesting developments regarding the infected adults from both the point of view of the children trying to find out more about them and the adults and how they interact with each other. Without going into too much depth at risk of spoilers, it seems that the plot is very much on the point of thickening!

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Plenty of zombie stabbings, smashing and child mutilation.
Sex/Nudity: They’re kids. That’s sick.
Swearing: A fair few uses of “shit”.
Summary: A series that only gets better as it goes along. “The Sacrifice”, as it’s called, is looking like being an absolute stormer. 8/10

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Century 1969
Alan Moore/Kevin O’Neill
Top Shelf/Knockabout
Available Now (Trade Paperback)
Review by Rob Wade

The second volume detailing the exploits of Miss Wilhelmina Murray and her extraordinary colleagues, Century 1969 takes place almost 60 years after the events of Century 1910, in the psychedelic haze of Swinging London in 1969 - a place where Tadukic Acid Diethylamide 26 is the drug of choice and where different underworlds are starting to overlap dangerously to an accompaniment of sit-ins and sitars.

Alan Moore’s a funny one. The creator of such awesomeness as V for Vendetta and Watchmen, he’s probably one of the comic industry’s most sacred cows, in that very little he does is disliked by many. Granted, he tends to distance himself from the adaptations of his various works, but in the case of the Watchmen downloadable video games, it’s not hard to understand his need to do so.

However, there seems to be this feeling among a lot of comic fans that Alan Moore is incapable of writing a bad story, and that it is only when these stories are expanded into other media that the proverbial shit coats the fan in its presence. I’d argue to those people that while he maybe has never written a terrible story, it is generally pretty implausible that anyone can write with 100% success their entire career. If they need an example, I need only show them this volume.

Don’t get me wrong. There are things to like about this story, drawing in characters familiar to those who follow the LXG story threads, particularly (obviously) the first edition of the Century storyline. The artwork is really well done, with bright colours contrasted against dismal greys and beiges, used to great effect to differentiate between moods and setting. It’s just that the story is…alright.

That’s it. The story is Ok. It doesn’t enthral, and at times is paced agonisingly slowly. Moreover, and most tellingly, the story is simply forgettable, and indeed I required a couple of reads before I was able to retain the events that had transpired in the comic long enough to write this review down in the first place. For those interested in nudity, however, (and that goes for danglies of all genders), you’re well represented in this volume as there is absolutely bloody tons of it. From boobies to ballsacks, to scenes of graphic sex (literally – graphics having sex), there’s nudity in all its glory.

Ultimately, while it’s a fun enough read once, there’s not much point in having it in your collection unless you’re either an absolute LXG completist or you worship the very ground that Alan Moore walks on, in which case have at it and enjoy. Otherwise, though, there’s better works of his out there.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Tons of murders, and lots of supernatural goings on.
Sex/Nudity: Tons of it. Female and male nudity, with genitals explicitly shown. It’s drawn, though, so it’s fine.
Swearing: Appropriate to the time period. A few F-bombs and the like, but nothing that seems out of place or gratuitous (certainly in comparison to the nudity).
Summary: An engaging, if somewhat forgettable, read that is probably best suited to those die-hards who believe that Alan Moore can do no wrong. 6/10

SANTA'S COME TO SLAY

In the Middle Ages, the bloodthirsty St. Nicholas murdered his way across the country before beign burned to death in his ship. This Christmas, the bishop will rise from the dead to slaughter as many children as possible.

Thanks to our friends at Metrodome Group, we've got three copies of Saint on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Tuesday 22nd November, making sure to put "Saint" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Saint" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Saint is available now, courtesy of Metrodome Group.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

E14 Stand-Up Round-Up

2011-11-07T16:00:00.001Z

Peter Kay: The Tour That Didn’t Tour

Universal Pictures UK
Available now on DVD and Blu-Ray
Review by Rob Wade

He's back! One of Britain's best loved comedians finally brings his record breaking “Tour That Doesn't Tour Tour” to DVD. With his first live tour in 7 years, playing to over one million people, this hilarious new show, sees Peter back on nights, doing what he does best, live stand-up comedy.

Peter Kay is one of those comedians who is frequently dismissed by some, largely due to what is perceived to be a heavy amount of material recycling as well as being one of the quintessential TV comedians, covering what are viewed to be “hack” subjects. With material covering TV, supermarket shopping and relatives, it’s not hard to see where people get that idea. However, to write him off, as with many comedians of that type, is to miss out on a man who is arguably at the top of his game.

Yes, he covers the subject of TV, with a piece on Sky+ and the wealth of TV available. However, I’ve seen many “alternative” and “edgy” comedians who couldn’t make me laugh at all, let alone on the subject of TV (and one of them was trying to do a BA in Stand-Up Comedy – I hope he failed, he deserved to) whereas I had some full-blown laughing fits during Kay’s piece on “Come Dine with Me”, which would have made those “alternative” types turn their noses up.

Ultimately, the measure of a stand-up comedian is simple: are they funny, and do they make people laugh? There’s no complex formula to it. If someone enjoys it, then the comedian’s doing something right. Peter Kay is a talented guy, although sometimes the victim of his own “gimmick”, for lack of a better word. What do I mean? For instance, he decries HD and Blu-Ray as a rip-off, but the show’s being released on Blu-Ray. Also, any entrance involving things like pyrotechnics and fancy entrances seems lost on a comedian like Kay, who has all the hallmarks of that loveable friend down at the pub who tells great stories.

Kay’s observational style is deceptive, too, in that it’s considerably darker than first impressions would illustrate. Watching him tell a story of his teacher who took the class to a field trip to the graveyard makes you laugh, but at the same time makes you afraid for their mental state (and impressed by Kay’s memory as well). Yes, the show deals with stuff you probably do every day at times, which some define as the aforementioned “Hack” stuff in that it’s been done plenty of times by comedians, but what do they expect? It’s stuff people do every day, and we as humans find humour in those mundane activities. It takes, however, someone with the skill of Kay to illustrate it in new ways. There are comedians who’ll take it on a completely surreal turn (à la Izzard), but for those who just want to enjoy things at a less complex cerebral level, there are those who interpret these things differently. If you like your humour accessible, Kay’s your man by far.

And his encore is absolutely excellent, calling back to a gag from earlier while at the same time engaging the audience in a massive 15000-strong sing-along. It’s immensely heartwarming to watch, and I almost found myself getting teary-eyed. Seriously, by the end I was shaking my head in disbelief in the best possible way.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: Material on “Embarrassing Bodies”, which goes into quite graphic detail.
Swearing: Plenty of it. Quite keen on the word “prick”. Aren’t we all, though?
Summary: A really enjoyable comedy set, and hopefully an eye-opener for some that no matter what the subject matter, any subject can be made funny by the right guy. 7/10

Russell Kane: Smokescreens and Castles
Universal Pictures UK
Available now on DVD
Review by Rob Wade

The 2010 Edinburgh Comedy Award winning show Smokescreens & Castles explores self, family and the consequences of Russell’s dad buying his own council house. Sociological silliness and high energy contortions guaranteed on this brand new live show.

One of the trends sweeping comedy at the moment is some of these younger-looking comedians (he’s 31, to give some perspective) who wear tight jeans and talk in a very post-modern style, with frequent “4th wall” references to come off as hyper-intelligent. Russell Kane for me, at first appearance, comes off as exactly one of those. After checking out this show, it has to be said that my opinion hasn’t been drastically changed.

The show is on the subject of his life growing up as one of the few kids on a council estate whose parents were able to purchase their council house, and a working-class life in Essex is the entire subject of the show. Now, I never grew up in a council estate in Essex, and therein lies the first issue with the show for me. Much like last year, where Kevin Bridges’ show lost points with me because it was too heavily steeped in Glaswegian references, this show does the same thing for me here.

It’s difficult to get into as a show, mainly because of Kane’s performance. Moving around on stage more like a failed actor than a comedian, Kane is overly energetic, another style I’m finding it hard to come to terms with when it comes to the new wave of comedy. A lot of these comedians come off like art school dropouts, and for me that breeds a disconnect from material about how hard it was growing up.

That’s not to say that the show isn’t funny at all. Indeed, there are plenty of lines which gave me a chuckle, and some routines which I could see the appeal of, even if it’s not my cup of tea. Ultimately, though, Russell Kane does little to differentiate himself from the current wave of comedians, and so this DVD should only really be purchased for fans or people who enjoy acts of a similar type.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: A piece on sex education and teenage pregnancy. It’s not bad.
Swearing: Absolutely tons of it, including a lengthy segment on the word “cunt”.
Summary: Not much here, apart from for the enthusiasts. 6/10

Channel 4 Comedy Gala 2011
Universal Pictures UK

Review by Rob Wade

Channel 4’s Comedy Gala showcases over a dozen of the country’s most popular stand-up comedians, along with messages from famous figures in the comedy world. In fact, considering that the show is nearly 3 hours long, and there are over a dozen comedians on the bill (in fact, the show mentions 21), it’s probably quicker to tell you who made me laugh and who didn’t.

First off was…N-Dubz. I’ll be honest, I skipped them. Two reasons. I think the first reason is that although they’re laughable, they don’t belong opening a comedy gig. Second of all, I hate them and everything they stand for. They’re interrupted by Alan Carr dressed as a fireman, which could not have come soon enough (and I’m sure pleased some men!) From there, the line-up reads as follows: Dara Ó Briain comes on and delivers a solid performance; Mark Watson follows and does a really good set. Alan Carr MCs for this portion, and although I’m not generally a fan of his style, he’s pretty funny. Next comes Jo Brand, and this is the first one where I just lose interest. Jo Brand has a style that works well for a certain demographic (no prizes for guessing which one), but it just doesn’t do it for me.

Next comes that woman from Glee, who does a short message in character which is pretty funny in a Gervais-style overconfident way. Next comes Lee Evans. Although his set was really funny, I only heard six or so gags in about 15 minutes that I’d never heard before. Perhaps a symptom of his success, but generally a good performance. The MC for the second portion is Jonathan Ross, who tells a funny story which is pretty good. Next comes Jason Byrne. I couldn’t get on with it. He was overly energetic, and simply not funny. Sarah Millican was next, and I found myself pleasantly surprised. Her performance was pretty funny, and I’m not usually a fan. Next came Sean Lock, one of my personal favourites, and unsurprisingly I pissed myself laughing.

Next came a random appearance from Chris Moyles, and without going into too much detail, it seems like he just wanted to be involved and didn’t really care what he did. 2 minutes later, he’s done with, and out comes Kevin Bridges, who also serves as the next MC. He does a pretty good job of both pieces, and makes me think that he did his fair share of MC duties when he was on his way up. He introduces Jon Richardson, who performs one of the funniest performances of the night. Next, there’s a pretty good sketch involving James Corden and Patrick Stewart. Next comes Michael McIntyre, and he’s pretty much what you’d expect, a safe pair of comedic hands who’ll give you some chuckles; he also does a really good impression of his kids.

Russell Brand comes onto the video screen and delivers a message to the crowd. It’s his usual rambling style, take it or leave it. Next is Rich Hall, who performs a comedy song which is pretty amusing. Rob Brydon does a little video sketch, which is pretty good, Jack Dee comes out and does a pretty funny set. Rhod Gilbert’s next, and he just doesn’t do it for me. Micky Flanagan comes out next, and while he’s amusing, I can’t imagine watching him for an hour. Next is Andi Osho, and although she’s funny, she doesn’t really get enough time to do much. Next comes the ultimate in “Don’t get the appeal” stand-up, Jack Whitehall. To give you an idea of my feelings on him, I almost typed in Shitehall without thinking twice about it.

Next is Shappi Korsandi, remember her? She was all over the chat shows at one point for a good six months, and then nothing. She does a few bits about being a single mum, and they’re entertaining enough. Next is a sketch with Whoopi Goldberg, followed by one with Miranda and her mate from the show. Whoopi’s is better. To finish off, it’s Jason Manford followed by John Bishop. Both are pretty funny, John Bishop being a guy I wasn’t familiar with before this show.

So, to sum up, the show lasts for just under three hours, and features a cast of comedians with about a 66% success rate of funny versus missable. In my mind, that’s a pretty good deal, particularly considering that the DVD is in a good cause. There’s also a video of the commercial break on the DVD as well. All in all, there are far worse things you can get which are 3 hours long.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Sex/Nudity: Many mentions of it, the funniest being from Jonathan Ross about dogs.
Swearing: There is absolutely tons of it, but rarely does it seem forced.
Summary: A great value show, and now thanks to this review you know which ones to skip. 8/10

You don't have to be barking to enjoy this DVD - but it certainly helps!

In 1998, in a town not far from you, the up and coming comedians of the day got together and wrote an hilarious sketch show for Channel 4. The result was Barking.

These comedians further developed these characters and ideas and are now big stars, writing and starring in their own shows and regularly touring nationally.

But it all started here for Mackenzie Crook, David Walliams, Omid Djalili, Peter Kay, Dave Lamb, Rhys Thomas, Catherine Tate, Marcus Brigstocke, Matt Lucas and many more.

Thanks to our friends at Acorn Media, we've got two copies of Barking on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Monday 21st November, making sure to put "Barking" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Barking" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Barking is available now, courtesy of Acorn Media.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Dickass DM

2011-11-06T12:00:00.008Z

Brad: You tell her as much as you can about your planned rendezvous with the colony; how in six days from now you are to meet at Kent. There is so much you want to tell her, but the sudden arrival of four clansmen in an open-topped jeep puts an abrupt end to your conversation.

Brag: And that's why it's called Memorial Da...shit!

Brad: The vehicle screeches to a halt and the four grim-faced men leap out, brandishing machine pistols. The driver grunts something and they fan our and start searching the ruins.
Rob: They all look like The Thing? Oh sorry, Grim-faced.
Brad: Beyond the wall there is fifty yards of cleared ground sepearating the stronghold from the ruins of the southern suburbs. To reach The BragWagon, you will somehow have to cross this killing zone.

MCSPINDLE: It's times like this that I wish I could eat popcorn.
Brag: It'd be your upholstery which would be stained. Your call.

Rob: I stay hidden until they pass, and then attempt to steal their jeep and drive across the cleared ground. The world loves a coward.
Brad: As soon as the clansmen have disappeared from sight, you break cover and run. Kate circles around to the other side and climbs into the passenger seat while you search for the ignition. To your horror, you discover that the ignition keys are missing.

MCSPINDLE: Yeah, weren't expecting them to, you know, take the keys with them, were you?
Brag: Honestly? I wasn't, no.

Brad: Placing your hand under the dashboard, you pull down a handful of cables and isolate two - a red one and a black one - that are connected to the ignition lock. Quickly you rip these out and touch the exposed copper braids together. There is a bright blue spark and immediately the engine growls into life. After twisting the wires together, you throw the jeep into low gear and take off towards an open section of the perimeter wall. A wheeled screen partially blocks this access point, which is guarded by two clansmen armed with automatic assault rifles.
You are fifteen yards from the screen when suddenly they realise that you have no intention of stopping. The clansmen dive aside as you crash through their barrier and accelerate across the open ground twoards the safety of the southern ruins.

Brag: Yeah, ruins in a nuclear wasteland! That always goes well!

Brad: But they recover quickly and soon the stacato hammering of their assault rifles is echoing in your wake. Bullet slam into the rear of the jeep and whistle past your head as you steer the vehicle towards the remains of a building with an open, unobstructed entrance. Bullets continue to ricochet off the bodywork until you skid to a halt inside the derelict building, where you abandon the jeep hurriedly.

Brag: Leave it! It's a four-wheel drive! Some single mum will doubtless take it!

Brad: You follow Kate as she runs through the debris towards an exit at the rear. You watch as she races through the open doorway and collides head-on with a clansman, who is hurrying into the building. The two rebound off each other and fall to the ground, stunned and bruised. Drunkenly, the clansman grabs Kate by the throat and fumbles for a pistol that is holstered beneath his shoulder.
Rob: Use my pistol! This time I read the signs, he's going to shoot me if I don't shoot him!
Brad: You jab the barrel of your gun into the clansman's ribs and squeeze the trigger. At point blank range the effect is awesome; he is torn away from Kate and spun around like a top.
Rob: Shit, I have this bad feeling.
Brad: His whirling dance of death finally comes to a halt when he hits the wall of the alley in which you are standing. You know what's sad?
Rob: What's that?
Brad: I just know you were visualising that happening in VATS.
Rob: I wasn't, actually, I had it as a FPS "try to shoot the baddie without killing the hostage", but I admittedly misread that I was behind her.
Brad: You help Kate to her feet and check that he wind-pipe has not been damaged by the clansman's attack.
Rob: Do I do it with my penis?
Brad: Her throat is badly bruised, and although you can tell she is in great discomfort, stoically she ignores the pain and suggests that you both get out of here before the dead man's confederates turn up.

Brag: Hang on, I'll mish-mash this radio into one of those throat mics.

Brad: After stooping to snatch his pistol, she follows closely in your wake as you hurry south towards the ruins of the Sears megamarket. News of your escape into the southern ruins of San Angelo is relayed to Mad Dog Michigan.

Brag: Hah! Stitch that, bastard!

Brad: Already he has told the leaders that you have mocked, humilated and defenestrated their leader, and, in the prevailing emergency, he has appointed himself their new commanders. He orders the Angelinos to saturate the southern sector and to kill both of you on sight.

Brag: Saturate? How many Angelinos are there?

Brad: You manage to reach the megamarket without further clan encounters and are relieved to find that The BragWagon has remained undisturbed since you left it this morning.

MCSPINDLE: What time do you call this? Do you have any idea how many games of Minesweeper I've played waiting for you to come back?
Brag: Well, it's been several hours...four?
MCSPINDLE: ...Yes.
Brag: Thought so. I've never understood why you take so many notes.

Brad: It takes a few frustrating minutes to start the engine, but as soon as it is running smoothly you leave San Angelo s fast as you can, heading south on the remains of Highway 277. Expectantly you keep an eye on your rear-view mirror as you power The BragWagon along the rock-strewn asphalt of Highway 277. You are convinced that the Angelinos will soon be on your tail. Yet, you have covered fifteen miles and still there is nothing to indicate that you are being pursued.

MCSPINDLE: That was too easy. They let us escape.

Brad: You are beginning to relax when Kate points to a small town in the distance. It is built around a bridge that crosses a stream of shallow black water that was once known as the South Concho River. Near the middle of this town, on the highway approach to the bridge, is a rising cloud of dust.
Rob: Sorry. Nachooos...

Brad: Quickly, you stop the BragWagon and peer through your binoculars at the little town of Christoval.

Kate: Can y'see what's kickin' up that dust?
Brag: Hope they've got a Wilkinson, I'm sweating fucking buckets!
Brag: [squinting into the distance] Well, I see dogs fighting.
Kate: Uh, Brag...that ain't the dust I'm talking about.

Brad: Lowering your lenses, you turn to see her pointing back along the highway at another dust cloud, which is fast approaching.

Brag: Then it's Aaaak-Ti, the Dust Monster.

Brad: You do not need binoculars to be able to see that it is being kicked up by a pack of bikers, who have come racing out of San Angelo.

Kate: I think it's time we were movin' on.
Brag: Yep...yep.

Brad: You reach for the ignition switch. With your foot holding the gas pedal flat to the floor you roar towards Christoval with a score of angry Angelinos hot on your heels. On entering the town, you see that the coyote on the road ahead are fighting each other in two seperate packs.

Brag: The Sharks and the Jets!

Brad: Each pack is being urged on by men who are conducting some sort of wager on the outcome of the fight. So engrossed are they in the dog fight that they seem oblivious of the fact that you are speeding straight towards them. It is not until you sound your horn and flash your headlights that the men and dogs begin to scatter, but by then it is too late for some of them.

Brag: Oooooooh, murder...!

Brad: The car shudders as you plough into a dozen of the fighting dogs, sending them spinning into the air.

MCSPINDLE: Aaaagh!!!

Brad: One tumbles over the widshield and lands between you and Kate. Maddened by the pain of its wounds, it lunges at you and closes its fangs around your right forearm. Desperately, Kate tries to pummel it unconcious with the butt of her pistol as you fight to maintain control of the speeding car.

MCSPINDLE: When did this turn into a Steve Martin road movie!?
Brag: Arrrrrgh! Arrrgh! Why are you choosing now to ask?!

Brad: Kate manages to pull the snapping dog from your arm and despatch it swiftly with a pistol shot to the head. Its fangs have penetrated the leather sleeve of your jacket and gouged your arm but you are relieved to see that there are no signs that the animal was rabid. Quickly you regain full control of the BragWagon and steer it towards the Christoval bridge.
Rob: How would you know about rabies at that speed?
Brad: I made a Spot Rabies roll for you.

TO BE CONTINUED...

DVD Reviews

2011-11-05T12:00:00.011Z

Naruto Shippuden: Collection 7

Starring: Kate Higgins, Maile Flanagan & Yuri Lowenthal
Director: Hayato Date
Manga Video

Review by Rob Wade
Editor’s note: Though it goes without saying to a degree, this review contains spoilers from previous series.

Asuma and Shikamaru have to think on their feet as they face the mind-boggling jutsu of the Akatsuki pair Hidan and Kakuzu. At the last minute, the Akatsuki are called away, but not before dealing a devastating blow to the Hidden Leaf Village. The devastated ninja affected can think only of revenge, but Tsunade is opposed to the scheme until an offer of help arrives from an unexpected source.

It speaks volumes as to the quality of anime if it can get me involved. In all the time I’ve been doing this, only two series have really grabbed me, and the other one, Sekirei, contained copious amounts of boobs. Not hard to get my level, it seems. Anyway, Naruto Shippuden has been ramping up considerably over the last few series, and this volume promised to be no exception, with the ending promising a titanic battle. Well, a titanic battle you do indeed get, the repercussions of which have a significant impact on the remainder of the series, with the ensuing desire for vengeance culminating in one of the most epic scraps since the Shippuden storyline began.

I had a couple of minor gripes with the series in general on this volume. Despite being around 4 hours long, I’d say at least an episode’s worth of content was slow-motion recaps of things that happened in previous episodes, or in a couple of cases from a few minutes before, possibly on ad breaks during its showings on TV. Nevertheless, it’s a little on the cheeky side to duplicate a lot of the footage, especially when there’s such a short space sometimes between the first instance and the repeat.

However, the emotional response from the series is the desired one in this instance, mainly due to an effective use of music and some choice dialogue. What’s more, what should be a sad scene at one point (which I won’t talk about too extensively for risk of spoiling too much) still has a sense of intrigue because it advances one of the other characters’ backstory pretty heavily. Granted, they took one of my favourite characters out of commission, but I found it difficult to argue with the way it was done. Besides, the character who then progressed is starting to grow on me pretty heavily.

It’s also worth knowing that if you’ve been waiting for the collection which shows Naruto finally mastering his new powers, you’ll be pleased to know that this collection is the one in which the power comes to fruition, and you get one chance to see it in action. It’s worth the wait.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Loads of ninja fights, which only seem to get better with each series.
Sex/Nudity: None.
Swearing: “Bastard” and “Son of a bitch” get tossed around, as standard.
Summary: A rip-roaring good time, although it’ll be interesting to see how the next series goes on from here. 8/10

JACKIE BROWN GIVEAWAY

A sexy flight attendant (Pam Grier) is caught in a plot between the police and an arms dealer, and everyone's looking for the payoff. There are six unlikely players on the trail for a big score - a half million dollars in cash. But alliances are shaky when it's unclear who is playing and who is getting played.

An all-star cast joins Pam Grier and Robert Forster, including Samuel L. Jackson, Robert DeNiro, Michael Keaton and Bridget Fonda in Tarantino's adaptation of the novel by Elmore Leonard (3:10 to Yuma, Out of Sight).

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of Jackie Brown on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Saturday 19th November, making sure to put "Jackie Brown" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome Blu-ray!

Don't forget to put "Jackie Brown" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Jackie Brown is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Fictional Video Game Movie Reviews

2011-11-04T14:00:00.004Z

Brad: I have a slightly different tack for tonight - let me know what you think.
Rob: Go on.
Brad: We take the box art of a video game. We assume that this artwork is what is used for the hypothetical "film based on the game"...then we review the hypothetical film!
Rob: I'm intrigued. Let's give it a shot.
Brad: Okay, then this is E14's guide to Straight-to-DVD bullshit of the future!

Resistance 3

Brad: I see this as a District 9 mockbuster.
Rob: Okay, picture this...The Chimera have made themselves known, and humanity is in ruins.
Brad: Chimera?
Rob: Fuuuu....the enemy in the game.
Brad: Okay. I was calling them "Covenant".
Rob: A small pocket of human resistance is looking to turn the tide of a desperate war. How do they do that? I think it's obvious. Jumble sales.
Brad: J...Jumble sales.
Rob: Jumble sales. They start off slow. Selling old bits and bobs destroyed in the invasion.
Brad: I've just realised the teeth are also the New York skyline. That's surprisingly good for a video game box. The eyesockets might also be a bus, I'm thinking.
Rob: Maybe, I've not played enough Resistance to know if that's just how their eyes are normally. You know, maybe the Americans nickname them "Bus-Eyes".
Brad: I'm thinking that this stars Donnie Wahlberg as the gun-toting vicar who comes up with the idea of the jumble sale, and Angela Lansbury as the church organist/comedy relief.
Rob: I like it. Not enough Angela Lansbury in these game adaptations. So, they start off small, selling off bits of wreckage and clothes that people died in. Soon enough, word gets out. There is a group of humanity determined to do what they can. What they can do is offer bric-a-brac items at bargain prices.
Brad: I'd rent that.
Rob: I'd end up reviewing it. And that'd be fine. Because I'd then be inspired to go off and sell things I'd accumulated over the years.
Brad: Which needs doing.
Rob: Exactly, so the film would have served a purpose. Not enough videogame adaptations do that.
Brad: They keep a roof over Paul W.S. Anderson's head, but that's about it.
Rob: I feel like he deserves a roof. Maybe not a nice one.
Brad: He's boffing Milla Jovovich every night. Man's got that, he can live without a roof.
Rob: Quite.
Brad: 8/10
Rob: 7/10

Singstar: Back to the 80s

Rob: All righty, so how do you see this one playing out?
Brad: A washed up pop singer from the eighties is feeling rather disenfranchised with her lot.
Rob: I'm intrigued, if nothing else, as to where it's going.
Brad: She gets together with Professor Von Erich who sends her back to relive her glory days.
Rob: Right...
Brad: Unfortunately, through a hilarious mishap, she ends up injuring her past self, and so has to stand in for herself on tour. And, if previous time-travel comedies are anything to go on, she ends up having to fend off the advances of her dad.
Rob: Yeah, time travel movie dads always do come off a bit rapey.
Brad: Starring Cyndi Lauper. Or Toyah Wilcox. Claire Grogan, Kate Bush, Kym Wilde...I'm easy.
Rob: It seems a little too direct a cast to hire a washed up 80s pop star as a washed up 80s pop star.
Brad: Well, that's the selling point, isn't it?
Rob: I was thinking of going a different direction with the casting.
Brad: Or I guess we could cast an actress as a fictional singer, and have cameos from the others. Or an eighties singer who is still successful, to some extent. Debbie Harry, for instance.
Rob: That works, she's got form.
Brad: Score?
Rob: Oh, Easily. She's gotta be gagging fo.....Oh, 6/10.
Brad: 10/10

Dead Island

Rob: Ah, this one I've had the benefit of playing. And this is the only way I see it working: It's the 24th Century.
Brad: Right...so...Vampirates?
Rob: Nah, no pirates in this one.
Brad: Dang.
Rob: So it's the 24th Century, and the world is overrun by Corsairs.
Brad: Corsairs.
Rob: Yeah. Sorry, I got mixed up with something else. Corsages.
Brad: Do you mean courgettes?
Rob: Damn. No, I mean that other thing. Course Handbooks.
Brad: The world is overrun by course handbooks. Scarily, that one makes the most sense, so far.
Rob: Yep, well it gets better. Essentially, the 24th Century is awash with degrees. Everything's got one, even pets and fire hydrants.
Brad: Nice satire. I know one of my pet rats has a degree is something useless, for sure.
Rob: Cheers. Anyway, there's a small group of four people who haven't got one. And understandably, they're pissed off, because, like I said, inanimate objects have them.
Brad: That would be enough to cheese anyone off.
Rob: Trust me, it is. Anyway, these four people happen to have mastered the art of travelling anywhere at any time in the galaxy like that.
*snaps fingers*
Brad: Teleporters sans degrees? Nice.
Rob: Sorry if the next few messages are a little slow, turns out snapping my fingers could be interpreted different ways, so for continuity's sake I can't type.
Brad: Right, so...that's it?
Rob: Sorry, two seconds.
*snap*
Brad: Oh, for fuck's sake.
Rob: Right, so they travel back to the 18th Century. I don't know why it's the 18th, maybe one of the characters has a penchant for multiples of six. However, on the travel, something goes wrong.
Brad: So far, in my head, this is starring Chris O'Dowd and Sally Phillips.
Rob: Suits me, I imagine there won't be much budget. Anyway, so the premise of the film is that they arrive in 21st Century Hawaii, which is normal but at a permanent 30 degree incline.
Brad: This isn't a rip-roarer, is it?
Rob: No, I was thinking suspense thriller.
Brad: 10/10
Rob: 9/10

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Rob: So it's the 24th Century.
Brad: Fuck...
Rob: Just kidding.
Brad: Okay...After a hilarious binge drinking adventure, when Santa crashed his sleight into the White House...
Rob: Yeah, I like it.
Brad: He's had to have a serious amount of drink problem support.
Rob: So America declares war on the North Pole.
Brad: So, he's ordered to keep totally sober, by the UN.
Rob: Ok. But then aliens invade secretly, and Santa's the only person who knows they're here.
Brad: But, the CIA have sent an undercover elf in to try and make him drink, and lose his gift-giving role, which they can outsource to the Russians.
Rob: But the UN don't believe him, because he's a notorious drunk.
Brad: I would watch this movie.
Rob: Wait. FUCK. I've just turned it into Santa Claus Forever. That's the plot of fucking Duke Nukem.
Brad: Starring Denis Leary as the best Santa ever. And Warwick Davies as the CIA elf.
Rob: Yes! Fucking Thunderliked.
Brad: You know what? I'm actually sad that movie doesn't exist.
Rob: I think we should make it. Right after we finish "AquaNun".
Brad: I'll get Leary on the blower. He can't be up to much.
Rob: 6/10, for the artwork, 11/10 for the concept.
Brad: 7/10. I'm rolling 2d6 as I can't reach my d10.
Rob: Fair....wait.

Farm Life

Brad: I love the tag line of this.
"Fine. You don't like the way I do it? Manage your own farm."
Rob: I'm glad the game isn't called "Chickenfucker Life".
Brad: I'd have to get Denis Leary for that.
Rob: "Fuck your own damn chickens."
Brad: So, little Bobby Leatherhead is in a horrendous car accident that renders him a paraplegic. Experimental sugery allows him to have his lower body grafted into a larger tractor. So, he buys a farm, learning, living and loving long the way. Well, not much loving. He's a paraplegic and half combine harvester, but the effort's there.
Rob: Right.
Brad: Hey, Rob.
Rob: Yeah?
Brad: Bobby Leatherhead?
Rob: What about him? Him/It/TractorBoy/Whatever.
Brad: Combines are a preference for the crippled voyeur of what is known as...
FARM LIFE!
Rob: ...Was this entire pitch just a way to get that gag in?
Brad: If it was, don't you think I'd have done a better job of it?
Rob: I'd like to be able to say yes. Anyway. The film's missing a few action beats. I'm putting myself in the producer's shoes.
Brad: Starring Kenneth Branagh as Bobby Leatherhead. So...terrorists?
Rob: I was thinking overzealous council member. Maybe someone who's a bit bureaucratic. Maybe they start petitioning for Bobby to have to be liable for vehicle tax for his lower half.
Brad: That's such a twee screenplay I think you just made Victoria Wood orgasm.
Rob: I've been trying for years, so that's refreshing.
Brad: Score?
Rob: 9/10. Only because I've just had a flash of a group of councillors chasing a half-tractor boy around a field with flaming torches.
Brad: 9/10. David Bowie as irate councillor. This is another one that I'm sad isn't real.

Anno: 1404

Brad: Does the year 1404 mean anything to you?
Rob: Should it?
Brad: No. I've just checked Wikipedia: The Bastion of All Reliable Knowledge, and even they're kind-of shrugging.
Rob: It's the first leap year marking the Julian Calendar. Or something.
Brad: Not a great concept for a movie.
Rob: Unless you're...A fully-grown gorilla with a penchant for human blood!
Brad: This is going somewhere, right?
Rob: Uh....
*snaps*
OF COURSE IT'S FUCKING GOING SOMEWHERE! Sorry. Right. So this gorilla wakes up one day in 1404. The last thing it remembers was accepting a drink from a stranger in a bar in Marrakech in 1399.
Brad: Right.
Rob: So understandably it's annoyed.
Brad: Roofied apes usually are.
Rob: However, it befriends a local boy in a marketplace after saving him from bullies.
Brad: I misread that as "bullets".
Rob: That also works. Bullies with guns. In 1404...In this as-yet unnamed time period.
Brad: Medieval. 475 - 1500 AD is Medieval.
Rob: So...no guns?
Brad: Early part of that is technically the Dark Ages, I guess.
Rob: So...no guns?
Brad: Not really...
Rob: Okay. So, he saves the boy from bullies.
Brad: This enraged gorilla.
Rob: Yeah.
Brad: Okay.
Rob: Though he's angry, he realises that the boy is not at fault.
Brad: Again, I have to ask...is this going somewhere?
Rob: Yes. So he befriends the boy, and eventually, the friendship evolves to the point where the gorilla is brought home for dinner.
Brad: If there's not a half-human half-tractoer, I'm going to be disappointed.
Rob: So they go to dinner, and who's the boy's dad? Only the guy who slipped him the Roofies!
Brad: So going on this moody painting of a galleon sailing towards a golden, vaguely Arabic looking city, you're going with "The Date Raped Ape Who Came to Tea". I think you've forgotten how this game is played...
Rob: So the gorilla is, understandably, pissed off. Not only because he's been brought to dinner with the guy who drugged him and cost him 5 years of his life, but also because he realises that his initial trust in the boy was misplaced, if only indirectly.
Brad: This is harrowing stuff, dude. I've got no choice but to cast Lee Evans as the Gorilla.
Rob: ...Yes, because who does tragedy like Lee Evans?
Brad: That's the part you're taking umbrage with? There's no gorilla in the artwork dude.
Rob: Yeah, I figured he was off-camera, probably in a crate on the ship, asleep. Anyway, you've not heard the ending yet.
Brad: You're basically coming up with whatever bat shit you want. All mine have been based on the artwork - as we agreed. This is just monkey based meandering.
Rob: Forgive me for not taking the half-tractor boy as a serious piece of theatrical heartstring-tugging!
Brad: There was at least a tractor in the artwork! You haven't even featured a boat!
Rob: Did I not mention that the monkey was transported to Venice?
Brad: Fine. You know what? Next time you can come up with the topic. You don't like this? Manage your own farm.

Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer - Facebook - Twitter
Rob Wade - Twitter

Pulp Fiction Giveaway

2011-11-03T12:00:00.002Z

A pair of low-rent hit men, Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson), are sent out to collect a stolen briefcase for their mob boss employer, Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames). Having proven himself worthy, Wallace then entrusts Vincent to entertain his wife, Mia (Uma Thurman), while he is out of town. Meanwhile, Wallace has paid off aging boxer Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis) to throw his next fight. The lives of these wildly entertaining characters intertwine with unexpected and violent consequences.

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of Pulp Fiction on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Thursday 17th November, making sure to put "Pulp Fiction" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome Blu-ray!

Don't forget to put "Pulp Fiction" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Pulp Fiction is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

God, No! Giveaway

2011-11-01T12:00:00.001Z

God, No! has a range of stories--funny, tender, sad, and nearly all autobiographical--from a writer, who has been inside the showbiz whale for more than thirty years, travelled the globe performing magic, and lived for a decade in the dark heart of American greed, commercialism and filth: Las Vegas.

Some of the essays illuminating Penn's First Commandment (The highest ideal is human intelligence, creativity, and love. Respect those above all.) include Siegfried, Roy, Montecore, Penn, and Leather Pants, and You Can Be Bruce Springsteen Too!

As he says of Commandment #4 (Put aside some time to rest and think): "If you're religious, that might be the Sabbath; if you're a Vegas magician, that'll be the day with the lowest grosses." Commandment #5 (Be there for your family. Love your parents, your partner, and your children), includes an astoundingly funny and heartfelt essay about Penn's mother, a late-in-life Atheist herself, and Shirley, the local lesbian pastor.

And of #8 (Don't steal): "This includes magic tricks and jokes--you know who you are!" Penn's hard-earned and worldly experience combined with self-taught wisdom and plain common sense make this absurdly funny collection a heartfelt and hysterical read.

Thanks to our friends at Simon & Schuster, we've got three copies of Penn Jillette's God, No: Signs You May Already be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Tuesday 15th November, making sure to put "God, No!" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome book!

Don't forget to put "God, No!" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

God, No!: Signs You May Already be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales is available from Thursday 10th November, courtesy of Simon & Schuster.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Dracula Giveaway

2011-10-31T12:00:00.001Z

Wes Craven Presents three films in one complete horror boxset. Starring Gerard Butler, Jonny Lee Miller, Rutger Hauer and many more.

Dracula 2001
A gang of high-tech thieves, led by Marcus and Solina, break into a vault buried deep in the heart of London hoping to find treasure. Instead, they succeed in reviving an ancient evil--the legendary Count Dracula himself (Gerard Butler), who terrorized England a century earlier until he was stopped by Dr. Abraham Van Helsing. Now, Dracula makes his way to modern New Orleans to track down Mary Heller, an innocent young woman haunted by dreams she doesn't understand. Matthew Van Helsing (Christopher Plummer), Dracula's current hunter, must track the Count down with the help of his assistant, Simon (Jonny Lee Miller), but they also have to deal with the vampire's new victims, who soon return from the dead, thirsty for blood. Can Dracula be stopped before he seduces Mary and begins a new reign of terror, or do secrets from his past hold the key to destroying him forever?

Dracula II: Ascension
An ancient evil is once again unleashed in the 21st century as fright master Wes Craven presents this terrifying and suspenseful sequel to the big-screen hit Dracula 2001! Dracula II: Ascension is the riveting story of a group of medical students who come across the body of the world's most notorious vampire! When a mysterious stranger appears and offers the students $30 million to harvest the body and steal its blood for auction, it's an offer they can hardly refuse! But as the lure of riches collides with unimaginable terror, the students also find themselves relentlessly pursued by a vampire killer from the Vatican!

Dracula III: Legacy
More horror-filled terror in the modern Dracula series presented by Wes Craven, Dracula III: Legacy adds Rutger Hauer (YAY!) to a hot returning cast starring Jason Scott Lee (The Jungle Book), Jason London and Roy Scheider (Jaws, The Punisher). The feared Dracula (Hauer) leads vampire hunters Father Uffizi (Lee) and Luke (London) back to eastern Europe and a country plagued by civil war. There they discover powerful local warlords are assisting Dracula by capturing victims and delivering them to feed the vampires residing in Dracula's castle! And to make matters worse, Father Uffizi must face his own temptations as he struggles to overcome the vampire virus within himself! With sizzling stars, a riveting story and stunning special effects, this suspense-filled thriller will satisfy anyone with a taste for terrifying entertainment!

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of the Wes Craven Presents Dracula Three Movie Collection on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Monday 14th November, making sure to put "Dracula" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Dracula" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Wes Craven Presents Dracula Three Movie Collection is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Dickass DM: Halloween Special

2011-10-30T12:00:00.002Z

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Ian and Clive Bailey gamebook Terrors Out of Time. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Braggart Smith-Rhys-Jones.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!

Brad: Gazing over the side, you see the dark water is filled with currents and eddies that suck and claw at the ferry, but without any effect. Turning to ask the ferryman about this, you see him hunched over the pole, his cloak flapping in a wind you cannot feel!

Mungo: I can smell it, though.
Ferryman: The Styx is a river of time, mortal.
Braggart: It does seem to be taking forever.
Ferryman: You cross the dimensions from the edge of life to the realm of the dead.

Brad: On the far bank, the ferry beaches on a mud-flat and the ferryman extends a skeletal hand for your payment.
Rob: Give him the coin. I mean, what would be the point of not doing so? I literally just got given it. And at no point was it established that it's currency I can spend elsewhere, like Debenhams.
Brad: Fishing the coin from your pocket, you drop it into the ferryman's hand and jump upon the soggy earth of the underworld.

Ferryman: I thank you, mortal.
Braggart: Quick! Before he realises it can't be used at Debenhams!
Ferryman: The one you seek lies yonder at the pit of time, yet you may learn wisdom at the halls of the dead.
Mungo: We're going to be able to get back, right? I don't want to spend Hallowe'en dead.
Braggart: Fair enough.

Brad: How will you react to this strange advice?
Rob: I'll listen! Were you not reading the description? He's scary! Plus he's the cheapest public transport I've come across, and as a white person that's incredibly and inexplicably important.
Brad: Do you want to head towards a ruined, temple-like building on your left, or strike out in the direction the ferryman points, straight towards Ausbach?
Rob: Temple meaning Halls of the dead I take it?
Brad: That's the implication, I think.
Rob: Okay, not just me then, good stuff. I'll go towards the temple.
"May learn wisdom" is a better chance than "Continue in your life as a software tester and blogger"
Brad: You blog?
Rob: Yeah, just started.

Brad: A thin mist rolls across the dusty track which leads towards the temple of the dead. The building is a ruin. Great columns have tumbled to the ground, bronze statues, headless and armless, rot beneath layers of verdigris. A thin plume of grey smoke escapes from the broken roof.
Rob: I boldly enter the temple. I'm not bold, but i put on a front of boldness. Sorry, that should read:
Enter the Temple
Brad: The interior of the temple is thick with an evil-smelling smoke that curls from a great fire in the centre of the floor. On either side the walls are lined with tiers of earthenware jars, encrusted with dust and sealed with clay representations of various beast's heads. Beyond the fire is a low dais, a curious tripod and a high-backed chair, in which sits a wizened creature. As you skirt the fire, a dry voice croaks from the seated figure.

Figure: Greetings, mortal. I am the Guardian of the Dead.
Braggart: Hi...?
Guardian of the Dead: What brings the living to my hall?
Braggart: Well, it's certainly not envy of your deadness. I was hoping to talk to you about Ausbach. Please don't kill me. [points to Mungo] If you must kill someone...That's sort of what I brought him for.
Guardian of the Dead: Wisdom?
Braggart: Who's Winston?
Guardian of the Dead: Yes. You may learn some wisdom. Ausbach is a servitor of the High Priest of Het. At this moment, he is both at the pit of time, summoning his mistress, and within these walls.

Brad: As this riddle passes from the Guardian's cracked lips, he clicks his fingers and you hear the long-drawn howl of a mad dog. In the silence that follows, the Guardian points at you.

Mungo: I say again, that this has gotten weird.
Guardian of the Dead: Fool! I am not here to help you. I am here to destroy you!
Braggart: I...what? Wait...Hunh?!
Guardian of the Dead: You are a trespasser and a meddler and your interference has already cost us valuable time - but now my creation will punish you!

Brad: A crouching human figure rushes from the shadows to your left. It pauses then growls at you.
Rob: Reflex Clothesline!
Brad: The creature is a man with a dog's head.

Braggart: Dog-Man!

Brad: The dog-man raises his muzzle in the air and sniffs; his eyes roll back and his lips curl.
Rob: Man, my character's a poof. He just sees something scary and loses SAN.
Brad: A vicious snarl rends the air as the creature leaps at you.
The dog headed creature is listed as having a dog's head mace. Which makes about as much sense as a mace shaped like a human head. Or, if you take it one step further, a hammer shaped like a nail.
Rob: Maybe it's carved into the pommel.
Brad: How will you defend yourself against this abomination?
Rob: Thoth's Mace! Mum always said "Fight fire with Mace."
Brad: Your Mum is awesome.
Rob: Never raped, either.
Brad: You deal the dog-man a blow with the mace. The dog-man mocks your taste in corduroy.

Braggart: What's wrong with yellow?

Brad: You crush the dog with your mace. And your cock.
Rob: They are comparable.

Dog-Man is defeated.

Brad: Your blow shatters the creature's head and it collapses on the flagstones of the temple. With a triumphant grin, you turn on the Guardian of the Dead. I assume that's "turn on" meaning "face" and not "arouse".

Braggart: Move on out here and die like a fool.

Brad: The wizened Guardian has left the chair and now cowers behind its back.

Guardian of the Dead: Don't harm me, mortal. If I die here, my soul will be consigned to the horrors of the Outer Darkness.
Braggart: Is that bad?
Guardian of the Dead: I will answer any question you put to me.
Braggart: How is Ausbach Aus there and back here?!

Brad: The Guardian points towards the jars which line the hall.

Guardian of the Dead: There, on the third shelf. Ausbach's life is within the pot, bound there by his mistress, Het.
Braggart: ...Horcruxes? Really, JK Rowling? Really? Lifting plot ponts from gamebooks now?
Guardian of the Dead: Destroy the contents and you will destroy Ausbach at the same time.

Brad: Flinging the Guardian to the floor, you stalk across the temple to the shelf. There lies a jar whose lid is fashioned into a perfect bust of Ausbach's odious features.
Rob: When did I have him in my hands? Or did I throw him on the floor...from across the room? I Jedi.
Brad: Tearing off the lid, you dip your hand inside and draw out a brain that shudders in your hand! Dropping it back into the jar, you take the pot from the shelf and march off of the temple for the pit of time.
Rob: So my fearsome action was to take the brain out of the jar, go "uggggghhhhhh", and then put it back in?
Brad: Yes.
Rob: I deserve to die.
Brad: As you advance, the slope grows steeper, the air warmer and pink glow thickens to a curious read. Ahead a great circle of monoliths rears out of the ground.

Braggart: Have I taken a wrong turn somewhere? Only, this is Stonehenge.

Brad: Passing between two of the standing stones, you have to shield your eyes; you are looking upon a vast pit which glows with a demonic light.

Braggart: Ooooooooh...

Brad: You have found the pit of time.
Rob: Does time glow?
Brad: Framed against its edge, Ausbach stands before an altar on which lies the pyramidion. He is chanting in a harsh guttural tongue.
Rob: Welsh?
Brad: Even as you watch, his chanting reaches a frenzied peak, he flings his arm in the air and a pillar of fire roars out of the pit. You must act quickly, for Ausbach has just opened a gateway to the Outer Darkness.
Rob: Seems like a good reason to hurry.
Brad: At any moment Het the Destroyer will enter the Underworld. Rushing from the cover of the stones, you charge towards Ausbach. Clutching the jar, you rush forward, shouting Ausbach's name over the roar of the flames.

Braggart: Ausssssbach!

Brad: The Baron turns and his obscene laughter fills the air. He raises a hand and points towards the pillar of fire.

Ausbach: Fool! You are too late! Your meddling is over. I have opened the gateway to Heyt!
Braggart: Bullshit! I never stop meddling! Oh, by the way, how did that blind date go?

Brad: You dip your hand in the jar but already Ausbach is passing his hands frantically through the air and his spell begins to grip your mind.
Rob: I grip his mind!
Brad: Ausbach's spell grips your mind. Your hands grow numb and you drop the jar. He chuckles and, pointing towards you, he utters a horrible clicking sound. Immediately a fiery hand sprouts from the pillar of fire and arches towards you!
Rob: Dive for the jar!
Brad: You dive for the jar, but will you be able to pull the brain out and destroy it before the flaming hand grabs you?
Rob: Wait, did he tut at me?!
Brad: Plunging your hand in the jar, you squeeze the brain and hear Ausbach cry out in agony.

Braggart: Hey Arsebach, remember maths? Not for long!

Brad: Instantly, the flaming hand disappears and you turn to see the Baron feebly clutching the altar. You squeeze again, and he clutches his head, swaying from side to side, then crumples to the ground. Where the brain was, dust now fills your hand; where the Baron died, there are only his clothes and a brownish dust.

Mungo: I'll get a mop.

Brad: Then a hissing draws your eyes back to the pillar of fire. Emerging from a nebulous haze at the centre of the fire is a monstrous snake head!

Mungo: Crom!
Braggart: Hi! I can explain.

Brad: You must act swiftly to close the gateway Ausbach has created. Your only hope is to destroy the pyramidion. But how?
Rob: Hmmmmm...Throw it on the grouuuund! The pyramidion, that is.
Brad: Glowing with luminous blue light, the pyramidion lies on top of the altar. Rushing forward, you grasp it with your hand and howl in pain.

Mungo: Pussy!

Brad: Its surface is red hot and you have burned your hand. Gritting your teeth, you lift the pyramidion and hurl it into the pit. For a second it flashes in the flames, then it plummets out of sight and the pillar of fire roars with fury. Shielding your face, you back away.

Braggart: Hey Assba...oh he's dead, isn't he?

Brad: You look up to see the giant outline of Het, with the flames writing around her. She reaches out a huge taloned hand to seize you, then the flames falter and she tumbles back into the pit. You have closed the gateway! As you turn to leave, the ground shudders beneath you, great cracks open at your feet and a biting wind howls out of the sky.

Braggart: Jesus, Mungo!

Brad: Panicking, you leap the rift in the earth and run for the edge of the stone circle. Before you can reach it, the wind tears your feet from the ground and sends you spinning up into the sky. A chill fills your body as you watch the land slip away and the pit become a faint dot. Then the wind fails, you begin to fall, and everything goes black. You awake to find Petrie-Heydrich leaning over you, dabbing at your forehead with a damp cloth.

Braggart: I...this makes literally no sense.

Brad: You can remember little of your escape from the pyramid, beyond finding yourself once more in the room that lies at the edge of the underworld and fleeing through pitch-black corridors as they crumbled and shook around you.
Rob: So...a fair bit then.
Brad: Petrie-Heydrich tells you to rest and relates how he mustered a search party to hunt for you when the pyramid began to collapse.

Charles: It was Harold who found you, slumped on the floor of the Grand Gallery.
Braggart: Cheers for that.
Charles: He says you were clutching this curious statuette.

Brad: Your old friend passes you a crude representation of the god Thoth. In one hand he holds a mace and, in the other, the unmistakable figure of Baron Ausbach.

Harold: No sign of your butler, though.
Braggart: Easy come, easy go.

THE END

Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer: Facebook Twitter
Rob Wade: Twitter
This is intended as a loving tribute to Ian and Clive Bailey, the Forbidden Gateway series, Terrors Out of Time, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.

MANDRAKE GIVEAWAY

An expedition led by adventurer Darren McCall and funded by the wealthy Harry Vargas braves the impenetrable jungle to retrieve a fabled bejewelled dagger from an ancient burial ground. But pulling the dagger from its rightful resting place awakens the beast. Part plant and part animal, the massive mandrake awakens thirsty for human blood.

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of Mandrake on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Sunday 13th November, making sure to put "Mandrake" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Mandrake" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Mandrake is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

DVD Reviews

2011-10-29T12:00:00.003+01:00

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

Starring: Michael Rooker, Tom Towles, Tracy Arnold
Director: John McNaughton
Studio Canal
Available now on Blu-Ray, also available on DVD
Review by Blake Harmer

Based on the confessions of serial killer Henry Lee Lucas, Henry is the chilling account of a man whose vocation is murder. Michael Rooker stars as Henry, the solitary drifter who leads his dim ex-jailmate friend, Otis (Tom Towles), on a senseless killing spree. Picking their victims at random, their methods of execution are always different. However, when Otis' sister Becky (Tracy Arnold) goes to Chicago to visit, and unsuspectingly falls in love with Henry...

25 years on, and this film still manages to capture and deliver the disturbing nature of Henry and Otis as they kill on a whim, as well as how perverted and depraved they are. The main reason for the horror is that they do it for what seems like no reason apart from that they enjoy it (although there is definitely an anti-sex undercurrent to the way Henry kills). Whilst the film doesn’t have any scares or jumpy bits, the atrocities on show hear gives a whole different disturbing vibe of fear, which is refreshing.

The main downside with this release is that practically nothing seems to have been done for cleaning it up for Blu-Ray release. The sound is murky and only stereo is available (nothing has been done to try and make it 5.1 surround), the picture is still a bit grainy and there are still some pops and scratches visible throughout. Granted, this is an old and low budget horror movie, but why release something on Blu-Ray if you are going to do very little with it? That said, due to the age and budget of the film, it hasn’t aged very well. The prosthetics are pretty bad and the dialogue, whilst limited, is never very inspiring.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating:
Violence: Lots of quick and gory death scenes, including gouging eyes, snapping necks and shootings.
Sex/Nudity: Lots of boobs and a rape scene, there are also lots of references to rape as well.
Swearing: Lots like all horror movies should.
Summary: A cult classic that hasn’t aged well, and the transition to Blu-Ray is pretty much pointless, stick to the DVD release if you are a fan, unless you want the extras. 5/10

VAMPIRE IN VEGAS GIVEAWAY

Tony Todd, (Candyman, Final Destination) stars as a maverick Vampire who has survived for hundreds of years and desperately yearns for something more than human blood. He wants power. The only way he can achieve this is to overcome a Vampire's greatest threat - day light.

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of Vampire in Vegas to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Saturday 12th November, making sure to put "Vampire in Vegas" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Vampire in Vegas" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Vampire in Vegas is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Dickass DM: Halloween Special

2011-10-28T12:00:00.010+01:00

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Ian and Clive Bailey gamebook Terrors Out of Time. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Braggart Smith-Rhys-Jones.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!

Brad: Beyond the arch is a room lined with red granite. A large block of basalt, which once supported the sarcophagus of Khefu, fills the centre of the chamber. Behind it stands a gilded statue of the god Horus. The statue guards a narrow entrance in the far wall, through which you can see a crumbling flight of steps descending precipitously into darkness. Passing the block, you notice a ring of sand on its surface where someone has put a bag down and then picked it up again.
Could Ausbach have come this way? A sense of foreboding fills your mind.
Rob: Descend the steps.
Brad: As you are about to descend the steps, you notice a thin wire that has been stretched across the entrance, about a foot from the floor. Gingerly steeping over it, you proceed with greater caution down the cramped and uneven steps.
Rob: Why is that wire there, I wonder?
Brad: As you go deeper, dark stains begin to discolour the walls and the smell of herbs wafts up the stairwell. Then you round a corner and step into a room that is almost identical to the one you have just left.

Braggart: Oh good, hippies!

Brad: The room is also lined with red granite and contains another block of basalt. But behind the block looms an elaborately carved doorway, its flankes framed by interlocking snakes. Beside the block stands a trestle table, cluttered with bowls, phials and leather bags, from which rises the smell of herbs and spices.
Rob: I examine the items on the table. Worst case scenario, I can make a sandwich.
Brad: I like your thinking.
Rob: It's rules I live by.
Brad: Clearing a space for your lantern and butler, you sift through the objects before you. The leather pouches and phials are empty and the bows contain the residue of various sweet-smelling oils. Then you discover a leather bag which is still unopened. It contains something large and heavy.

Braggart: Pavarotti?!

Brad: Gingerly you loose the twine around its neck, tip it up and shake out the contents. To your horror, a severed human hand flops onto the table! It quivers with life, flexes its fingers and then crawls towards you like a tarantula.

Braggart: What is this....Thing?!

Brad: This is the legendary Hand of Glory, used by necromancers to destroy their enemies.
With a shudder of horror, you step back. The hand is shrunken and withered with age.
Rob: Hand of Glory! I must find a way to subvert it to my will.
Brad: Strange red symbols are tattooed on the back of each of its gnarled fingers. As you stare unbelievingly, it drops off the table and runs across the floor towards you.
Rob: Runs? On five fingers or two? I try and crush it underfoot!
Brad: Your boot crunches into the hand, crushing it into the floor. Brown dust floats up from around your boot and a disgusting smell fills the chamber. You have destroyed the Hand of Glory.

Braggart: Ergh, now I've got fingernails under my crap.

Brad: Turning, you pass through the carved archway. The corridor is broad and slopes steadily downward towards a yellow light!

Mungo: Could this be Ausbach at last?

Brad: Covering the lantern, you tiptoe down the corridor. On the right of the corridor light pours out of a doorway, before which a circle has been drawn on the ground. Inside the circle, the stubs of candles still smoulder and there are puddles of different coloured oils; you have discovered the remnants of the preparations Ausbach mixed to open the gateway to the underworld.

Braggart: Sumo tournaments? That's it?

Brad: Creeping forward, you peer round the edge of the doorway into a chamber lit by oil lamps.
The chamber is empty but its walls are decorated with elaborate representations of the Egyptian gods. Set into the wall opposite you is a gilded door and beside this is a representation of Thoth, sitting at a high desk. Stepping into the chamber, you admire the picture and the god's head turns to stare at you with dark eyes!

Braggart: Shit!

Rob: Hold fire. Let's see if it can communicate. If it can do that, it's already better than Mungo.

Mungo: *stares*
Braggart: See, now it's not as impressive.

Brad: Thoth puts down his quill and steps out of the picture, raising a hand in greeting.

Thoth: Don't be afraid, mortal. I mean you no harm. The creature you seek has already passed into the underworld and soon he will summon Het from the Outer Darkness.
Braggart: See, now I'm glad I didn't shoot you.
Thoth: Me too. I cannot interfere directly in these events, but I can help you indirectly.
Braggart: How do I take Ausbach out...back?
Thoth: Ausbach may be slain in two ways.
Braggart: Ooh, I'll try both!
Thoth: One is to turn the very element he serves - fire - against him. The other is to find his life-force, which Het has removed from his body and imprisoned somewhere in the Underworld.
Braggart: I don't suppose I could lob corpse dust at him, could I?
Thoth: The pyramidion is a crystal, fashioned by a race known as...
Mungo: Jews?
Thoth: The Polyps of Ombos.
Braggart: Seriously? Sounds like a race who needed to use up Scrabble letters.
Thoth: It is a power focus, or key, used to draw matter from one dimension to another. It was Het who ensured that the Polyps brough it to this world, in the hopes that she could then use it as a gateway, but her plans were foiled when the Polyps and their creature-ship were buried beneath the rocks of North Wales.
Braggart: That'd slow me down too.
Thoth: Thus the crystal was lost for millions of years, until the Egyptian Pharaoh, Khefu, stumbled upon it in the course of his sorcerous experiments.

Brad: Right, sorry, dude, but I'm out.
Rob: Out as in "done for the night"?
Brad: I was willing to entertain all kinds of shit in the name of Dickass DM, but this is it for me.
Rob: What's wrong, dude?
Brad: I've put up with Rain Lords, vampire weasels, superheroes tasering small children, rapey door knockers, and not to mention - of course - a zombie carrot. But I'm out here.
I draw the line at an Ancient Egyptian necromancer who goes holidaying in North Wales.

*sounds of a chair scuffing, someone leaving the room, and a door closing*

Brian Recession: I can GM for a bit, if you want?
Rob: This should be interesting.
Brian Recession: Right...ahem...

Thoth: He cast potent spells to draw it through time and space to his palace and, in so doing, he attracted the powers of the Outer Darkness. Thus Het learned of he crystal's rediscovery and, working through it, she corrupted Khefu.

Brian Recession: Then Brad's done doodles of what appears to be Darth Vader doing a Polar Bear, doggy style. Then it continues...

Thoth: She commanded him to build this [gestures to room] the first pyramid, in imitation of the pyramidion, so that a gateway to the underworld could be opened.

Brian Recession: I'm assuming he did that as a business expense, right? He'd be mad not to.
Rob: I guess so, yeah.
Brian Recession: Makes you wonder how many of the wonders of the world were tax deductable really, doesn't it?
Rob: I'll be honest, I've never given it that much thought.

Thoth: Then she instructed Khefu to focus the crystal, so she could use it to control the very fabric of the earth, which belongs to the primeval beast, Crom Cruach.

Brian Recession: Does he make this up as he goes along, do you think?
Rob: Probably.

Thoth: But Khefu died alone before all thAAGH!

Brad: Oh, no. What a horrible accident.
Rob: What happened?
Brad: Brian just suddenly and viciously slammed the back of his head into this paperweight that I was about to show him.
Rob: Wow. Is he okay?
Brad: Probably. Hang on, I've always wanted to try this:
*cares*
Yeah, he's fine.

Thoth: Then she instructed Khefu to focus the crystal, so she could use it to control the very fabric of the earth, which belongs to the primeval beast, Crom Cruach.

Rob: Crom's Crotch?

Thoth: But Khefu died before all the necessary ceremonies could be completed and, with his death, the spells that held the crystal were broken and it slipped back to its tomb beneath the hills of Wales. Frustrated yet again, Het collapsed back into the Outer Darkness to brood. She returned to place Ausbach on its trail.

Rob: Sulk, more like. Emo bitch.

Thoth: Even now, he is within reach of achieving her ultimate aim!
Braggart: How long's her reach? We don't have much time!
Thoth: You must act swiftly to thwart her plans.

Brad: From out of the air, Thoth plucks a stone mace and hands it to you.

Braggart: How did you do that?!
Thoth: With this, you shall beat down the shades of the underworld.
Braggart: I'll say!

Brad: As you clasp the cold stone, energy pulses into your body.
Rob: *pulsepulsepulse*

***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS-JONES has Acquired MACE OF THOTH***

Rob: Is it Thoth, or someone with a lisp saying Sos?
Brad: I don't have a lisp...
Rob: Point.
Brad: Finally, Thoth hands you a small gold coin and gestures towards a door at the back of the room.

***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS-JONES has acquired SMALL GOLD COIN***

Rob: Ah, giving me the old 'here's a coin, now fuck off' trick...

Thoth: That door leads to the ferry and the ferryman will require payment.
Mungo: This adventure has gotten a bit weird, hasn't it?
Braggart: Gotten?!

Brad: The door opens on a twilight world of grey rolling hills and dead vegetation. Oppressed by the landscape, you trudge wearily up the nearest hill. With each new step, the grass beneath your feet crumbles to dust. At last you crest the hill and look down upon a vast river, whose dark waters flow sluggishly through the barren land.
Rob: ...Surely the hill has collapsed if I'm walking and its crumbling...
Brad: Fine. The hill collapses and you die. Happy now?
Rob: ...No...I see the flaw. I'll be good.
Brad: The far bank is out of sight but, below and to your left, you see a crumbling wharf which just out into the water. Moored to its side is an ancient ferry.

Braggart: Let's steal it!

Brad: Descending to the wharf, you find it is made of bones that crunch beneath your feet. The boat at its side is both wormeaten and rotten. A dark figure, hidden in the folds of black habit, rears up out of the stern of the boat. With a thin hand, he waves you on to the ferry.

Braggart: I mean, let's find the purveyor of this fine craft, and pay him fairly.

Brad: The timbers of the ferry squelch and groan beneath your weight and the smell of mould and decay fills your nostrils. The ferryman lifts a pole off the deck and pushes the boat out into the silent waters.

Mungo: It's a bit shit here, isnt' it?
Braggart: Shhh, he might live here.

TO BE CONTINUED...
Words: Brad Harmer & Robert Wade
Brad Harmer: Facebook Twitter
Rob Wade: Twitter
This is intended as a loving tribute to Ian and Clive Bailey, the Forbidden Gateway series, Terrors Out of Time, and all other gamebooks of yesteryear.

MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM GIVEAWAY

Toxic. Carnivorous. Subterranean.

When an American oil company sets up an experimental drilling plant out in the vast deserts of Mongolia, they are completely oblivious to what actually lies beneath them. Pumping hot water deep into the ground, the company is hoping to expose untapped oil, but what they end up uncovering is something no one ever expected. As the superheated water plummets its way into the earth, it strikes a nest of deadly creatures that have been dormant for centuries. Thought to be purely mythological, these monsters are in fact real...and now they have been awakened! They are angry and they are bloodthirsty

Thanks to our friends at Lions Gate Home Entertainment, we've got two copies of Mongolian Death Worm on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Friday 11th November, making sure to put "Death Worm" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Death Worm" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Mongolian Death Worm is available now, courtesy of Lions Gate Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Gaming Reviews

2011-10-27T12:00:00.025+01:00

Rage

id/Bethesda
Available now on PC, PS3 and Xbox 360 (Version Tested)
Review by Blake Harmer

Good news gamers - id is back with a new FPS, and for those who are either unaware of gaming history or just Call Of Duty players, you should listen up. FPS games would never have existed if it weren’t for id when they first unleashed Wolfenstein 3D and then made it hugely popular with the likes of Doom and Quake. Rage is id’s first foray into open-world territory, and for the most part it works very well. In Rage, you play a survivor of the end of the world by staying in an ‘Arc’ (read: Vault) and you emerge in an apocalyptic Mad Max style wasteland filled with buggies, bandits and mutants. However, there is a sinister organisation in this new world that wants you dead, and it is up to you to find out why.

The game delivers wonderfully in several key areas. Mainly, the gunplay is brilliant. Every gun feels meaty and powerful, and there is plenty of variation with multiple ammo types to keep things interesting. The vehicular combat is also nice and robust with lots of upgrades that you can get for your vehicle, which can be won through races and killing other bandits you encounter on the road. The AI on show is also good, and there are plenty of different bad guy types to keep things varied. Also, the animation is also great as enemies react to every bullet you put into them and create some really good looking death throes. That said though, the whole game is beautiful, from the wasteland to the buildings to the detail on each NPC you encounter.

The game does have a few flaws, which can be glaring if it is a particular bugbear of yours that could make or break a game. Firstly, despite how beautiful the game is, there is texture pop-in frequently, with things becoming less blurry about a second after you’ve looked at them. This isn’t so noticeable when you’re busy blowing the crap out of mutants, but during the slower bits it can be a little frustrating as it is more obvious. Also, despite being an open world game with the opportunity to do different missions to keep the flavour mixed, all the action mainly takes place in enclosed spaces and the wide spaces mainly feel like a space you have to cross between the two, and also the game is still pretty linear as you don’t benefit from exploration like you would in, say, Fallout.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Really gorgeous graphics, animation and physics on display here, but it is marred by an annoying texture pop up that keeps occurring even in the smallest of areas.
Sound/Music: A nice score and some very good voice acting, it is the meaty gunfire and explosion sounds that really win through though.
Gameplay: A decent FPS actioner with some good vehicular combat and light RPG elements thrown in. If only it wasn’t so linear, then we could have had a potential contender to challenge the likes of Fallout.
Lasting Appeal: A pretty lengthy 20 hour campaign with side quests and online to keep you entertained for quite a while.
Summary: An almost excellent game that just falls from being essential due to some annoying flaws though. Persevere, though, and there is an excellent game here to be enjoyed. Besides, it’s unlikely you will find better gunplay this year. 8/10

Hector: Badge of Carnage - Episode 2: Senseless Acts of Justice

Straandlooper/Telltale Games
Available now for PC/Mac, iOS and PSN
Review by Rob Wade

Everyone’s favourite Detective Inspector returns in Senseless Acts of Justice. The events of the first game’s finale have resonated with the entire village of Clapper’s Wreake, and it’s up to Hector and his well-meaning but useless partner Lambert to discover the identity of the hostage taker who has caused the police force so much bother.

Back when Episode 1 came out, my review (which can be viewed here) was overall pretty kind, but I feel like I was being a little unfair after doing some more research. I have learned since the review that almost all the voice acting was done by one person, and so for me to criticise one or two of the voices did not recognise the talent involved. I stand by my criticism of the voices themselves, which I felt weren’t up to the same standard as the overall voice acting performance, but I cannot help but recognise the immense talent that produced so many voices (especially when I felt that a good percentage of them were great).

Anyway, that’s that over with. On to the awesomeness, and make no mistake: This game improves on the first episode on a scale akin to the jump from A New Hope to The Empire Strikes Back. Granted, there’s no Lando, but to be fair he’d look out of place in the modern day England that this game depicts so well. In every other way, the game is a marked improvement from the first episode. The voice acting has a better variety of characters, and the voices are funny in themselves this time round as well. What’s also good about this episode is the quality of the characters, even the ones with less screen time. Particular highlights include a kid looking to start the next big Youtube craze, and a beautician/arms store proprietor with a penchant for innuendo and tremendous amounts of beef. You heard me.

Hector, of course, is the star of the show though, and when he’s talking you know the gag’s going to be a cracking one. What was refreshing, however, was that Lambert was given some additional screen time, which involved him finding transportation for a couple of girls fresh from a hen night, and finding parents for an orphan boy with a hook for a hand. The humour in this game is a solid mix of both the zany and the satirical, and it’s probably one of the most realistic depictions of modern England I’ve come across in all forms of media.

Graphically, the game is pretty sharp looking, although I noticed the odd glitch where Hector would lose his shirt (relevant in context). What was impressive was how well the graphics stood up to higher resolutions, and still managed to look good. The music is another thing worth checking out in this game, too, dropping in the right amount of tension at the right times.

If I had to choose a highlight, it would probably be the scene in the restaurant, but you'll have to buy the game to find out how and why it's so good.

Overall, should you get this? Abso-fucking-lutely. Should you get into the series? Abso-fucking-lutely. Go there now. I’ll wait. Plus there’s tons of other awesome adventure games.

The Emotionally Fourteen Games Rating
Graphics: Really sharp cartoon graphics that hold up even at top resolution.
Sound/Music: Some excellent music and sound effects, and an improved spectrum of voice acting variety over the first episode.
Gameplay: Inventive point and click adventure, with the same quirky sense of humour that permeates the best of the genre.
Lasting Appeal: A few hours of gameplay, but well worth the price of admission.
Summary: An absolute gem of an adventure game, and ramps up nicely for the third instalment. Get into this series. You’ll be glad you did. 9/10

PANIC BUTTON GIVEAWAY

Four young people win a competition of a lifetime; Jo, Max Gwen and Dave are heading off on an all expenses paid trip to New York courtesy of the social network site All2gethr.com . As they board the private jet, they are asked to relinquish their mobile phones and take part in the in-flight entertainment - a new online gaming experience.

Once airborne the games begin, and it soon becomes evident through a series of twisted and sickening tasks, that the passengers mystery host knows far more than they ever dared imagine, but are they all as innocent as they seem?

Trapped 30,000 feet in the air and with no escape, the four find themselves set on a horrific course, forcing them to play for their lives and leading to a gruesome and bloody twist. A breathless psychological horror film for the 21st century, when you live your life online, there is no Esc...

Thanks to our friends at Showbox, we've got two copies of Panic Button on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Thursday 10th November, making sure to put "Panic Button" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Panic Button" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Panic Button is available from Monday 7th November, courtesy of Showbox.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer Giveaway

2011-10-26T12:00:00.002+01:00

Based on the horrifying true story of convicted mass-murderer Henry Lee Lucas (portrayed a magnetic Michael Rooker), John McNaughton's Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer is one of the most remarkable films in the serial killer genre. Impressively building to a disquieting and horrific climax, the film provides a sobering and nightmarish glimpse into a deranged and damaged mind. A bona-fide cult classic, it is a startling, morally complex and uncompromising work of genuine daring and vision.

Thanks to our friends at Studiocanal, we've got three copies of Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer on Blu-ray to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Wednesday 9th November, making sure to put "Henry Portrait" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Henry Portrait" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is available now, courtesy of Studiocanal.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Book Reviews

2011-10-25T12:00:00.003+01:00

Marty Feldman: The Biography of a Comedy Legend
Robert Ross
Titan Books
Available Now
Review by Blake Harmer

Regarded as an architect of British comedy, paving the way for the likes of Monty Python, and forever remembered as Igor in Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein, Marty Feldman made some great works as a writer, director and a performer. And even though he died at the young age of 48, he lived a very busy life as can be seen here in his very first biography.

There’s a lot to enjoy from this biography. Firstly, it covers every aspect of Marty’s life and even shows his darker side, from living rough on the streets as a young man to his successes with Young Frankenstein and Yellowbeard (which would be his last film before he died). I also liked that Marty’s life is told not only by himself from unreleased interviews, but also from his close friends and work colleagues including Graham Chapman, Spike Milligan and Terry Jones. However, the main reason the book is enjoyable to read is that you feel like you knew Marty at the end of it, and you know the bad things he went through as well as the good.

However, my main criticism with this biography is that I felt it relies a little too heavily on source materials when telling Marty’s life. This can lead to Ross deviating from the point at times and leading onto subjects which he will touch on again later even though he had already mentioned it previously. This can quite infuriating at times, but persevere and you will find an interesting read.

The Emotionally Fourteen Rating
Violence: Marty makes references to fights and what some circus acts did but nothing overly graphic.
Sex/Nudity: Some references, but nothing overly descriptive.
Swearing: Some quite strong language in places.
Summary: An enjoyable insight into the life of a comedy genius who had lived through rough times and almost conquered adversity even though he wouldn’t admit it. Sure it does get a bit side tracked at times, but if you loved Marty, you will love this. 7/10

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER: SEASON SIX GIVEAWAY

How I Met Your Mother is a comedy about Ted and how he fell in love. It all started when Ted's best friend, Marshall (Jason Segel), dropped the bombshell that he was going to propose to his long-time girlfriend, and now wife, Lily (Alyson Hannigan), a kindergarten teacher. At that moment, Ted realized that he had better get a move on if he too hopes to find true love. Helping him in his quest is Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), a friend with endless, sometimes outrageous opinions, a penchant for suits and a foolproof way to meet women. When Ted met Robin (Cobie Smulders), it was love at first sight, but when things didn't work out, Ted realized destiny must have something else in store. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future.

Thanks to our friends at 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment, we've got three copies of How I Met Your Mother: Season Six on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Tuesday 8th November, making sure to put "How I Met" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "How I Met" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

How I Met Your Mother: Season Six is available from Monday 31st October, courtesy of 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Peter: Portrait of a Serial Killer Giveaway

2011-10-24T12:00:00.002+01:00

Peter: Portrait of A Serial Killer is a feature film that delivers uncompromising performances and rare, shocking archive to reveal for the first time ever the astonishing true story of 'The Yorkshire Ripper'. Exploring his childhood, the sadistic murders of thirteen women and his ongoing psychological treatment, the audience journey into the dark and twisted mind of Britain's most notorious serial killer. Psychiatrists say he is a dangerous paranoid schizophrenic, many think he is simply Evil; this film challenges the audience to make up their own mind.

Thanks to our friends at High Fliers, we've got three copies of Peter: Portrait of a Serial Killer on DVD to give away! For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Monday 7th November, making sure to put "Peter Portrait" as the subject. The first three entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome DVD!

Don't forget to put "Peter Portrait" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Peter: Portrait of a Serial Killer is available now, courtesy of High Fliers.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.

Dickass DM: Halloween Special

2011-10-23T12:00:00.006+01:00

Remember good, old-fashioned gamebooks? They promised all the fun of a role-playing game, with none of the social interaction - what more could a teenage boy desire? The thing is, that while the gamebook became a great gaming experience in its own right, the only RPG it could possibly have simulated was one being GM'd by Satan himself. 90% of decisions led to certain death, and combat was often fatal.

Satan wasn't available, so Brad will be GMing Rob through an RPG based on the classic Ian and Clive Bailey gamebook Terrors Out of Time. Brad is the DM, and Rob plays his character, Braggart Smith-Rhys-Jones.

Catch up with previous Dickass DM installments here!

Brad: Mungo crashes beside you.

Mungo: Hey.
Braggart: How did you get out? I mean, Mungo! Great to see you!
Mungo: You do not want to know. Long story short, I'm down a Wisdom Tooth and up Fray Bentos pie.

Brad: You fumble in your pocket and draw out the electric torch. Its beam shines wanly as you return to the small silent cottage. The pale light reveals a grisly sight. You fell through the roof onto a bed which bears a dessicated grinning corpse! You hurry Harold away, down a narrow street bounded on either side by small silent cottages.
You are sure that behind every door lies a grisly grinning secret. To what dark domain has Ausbach's infernal gateway brought you?

Mungo: If I had to guess, I'd say it feels a bit like a Pontins.
Braggart: It's way too well kept. Stay alert.
Mungo: CenterParcs, then.

Brad: At last you step out of the narrow silent street into what appears to be a main thoroughfare. Instantly, you are dazzled by the lights of a lorry. The vehicle grinds to a halt and a tall Arab, dressed in khaki with a red fez upon his head, greets you.

Mungo: Greetings, fellow ethnic stereotype.
Arab: My friends, it is not seemly for visitors to Cairo to stroll after dark in our village of the dead.
Braggart: Shalom. Cairo?! We're in Zaire?! Ermm...I'm....dead?
Arab: Right...
Mungo: Dead stupid.
Braggart: Say, where can I find the Grand Hotel? I'm due at a haunting, and I'm going to be late!

Brad: Fade down...fade up. You awake in one of the hotel's plush bedrooms. After a hearty breakfast, you seek out Charles Petrie Heydrich and Harold Lathers.

Charles: I was intriged to hear of your unorthodox mode of transport and your ultimate destination. Perhaps this Ausbach fellow has a sense of humour?
Braggart: What, the dead thing? Or do you mean the Portal?
Charles: Now, come to the window, all three of you.

Brad: Your old friend leads you to a table, on which is spread an archaeological survey map.

Charles: As you can see, Khefu's pyramid lies only a few miles from Cairo.
Mungo: We awake in Silent Hill and you want us to move towards pyramid shaped things?
Braggart: I'm with Mungo. I dislike pyramid shaped objects at the best of times, but this is ridiculous.
Charles: I have hired a number of native guides and their camels, so we can be there by nightfall.
Mungo: Yay! More ethnic stereotypes.
Braggart: Yeah, good point, Mungo. Let's get guides who aren't from around here. Fucking brilliant.
Charles: You have been singularly unable to defeat this Ausbach by physical battle, so I have formulated a plan that depends on guile.
Mungo: Weird. I'd formulated a plan that depends on Blanka.
Braggart: Zangief here.
Harold: Vega.
Charles: Tonight, the moon completes its cycle. You will recall from the Hymn to Het, discovered in Shandwick House, that this is the best time for her servants to enter the underworld.
Braggart: Good. It'll be less moody.
Charles: Well, I am certain that Ausbach will try to enter the pyramid tonight to perform his unspeakable rites.

Brad: That phrase has always bugged me. How do you perform an unspeakable rite? Is it just mime?
Rob: Jazz hands and the rope one.
Brad: I want to pioneer ventrioloquist mime. Sitting there, having a silent conversation with a puppet. I'm pretty good so far, but you can still see my lips move occasionally.
Rob: ...Why do they move?
Brad: I don't know where this gag is going any more. It seemed like a good idea at the start.

Charles: We only need to wait until he passes into the underworld, then we can recover your pyramidion!

Brad: The sage old man slaps the table in triumph.
Harold: But how will stealing this pyramidion defeat Ausbach?
Charles: My dear fellow, the pyramidion is some kind of key which opens the dimensions. If we steal it while Ausbach is in the underworld, he will be trapped for good, entombed with the vile goddess he serves! Now, come along, the both of you.
Gather your equipment, for we leave within the hour!
Mungo: What do you mean "Both of y..." Oh, I'm fucking equipment?
Braggart: Come along, Mungo. In the bag you go.

Brad: You take this time as an opportunity to clean your pistol and reload its magazine.

Harold: Wa-hey!
Braggart: It's an actual gun, dude.
Harold: Oh.

Brad: Despite Charles' enthusiasm, travel in the heat of the Egyptian day is not advisable. You reach the crumbled spledour of Khefu's pyramid at sunset, after an uncomfortable and fly-blown journey.

Braggart: I can't believe Mungo got blown by a fly. That thing's jaw was pretty impressive, it has to be said.

Brad: However, a hearty meal eaten around a blazing camp fire soon revives your spirits. The meal over, you set a guard to watch over the pyramid's entrance, then settle down to await moon rise. Not long afterwards, the attack begins. You are sitting with your back to the pyramid, watching one of the Egyptian porters patrolling the camel lines. Suddenly, the man seems to double up, as if in pain.

Braggart: Why are there two of you?

Brad: Through the still night air, you hear a strange gobbling noise and the man disappears from view! Calling to Charles, you pull a burning brand from the fire and run to the spot.

Braggart: It's the fly! Lockjaw's back!
Mungo: What were you expecting to find? Nazgûl?

Brad: There is no sign of the porter, but the sand is pockmarked with strange circular depressions.

Mungo: *stares*
Braggart: Now I'm feeling strange circular depressions.

Charles: Most curious...And look, the camels seem untroubled.

Brad: Then, nearby, you hear a disturbing slopping noise and a monstrous toad-thing lumbers at you out of the dark!

Braggart: Toad-Thing!

Rob: Reflex Clothesline!
Brad: Wasn't there a monstrous toad in Island of the Lizard King? The thing is enormous, but semi-translucent. Large baleful eyes stare at you and a mouth, which seems to divide the creature in two, drops open to reveal rows of sharp teeth. In the creature's sag-belly you can see the floating shadow of the dead Egyptian porter.
Rob: Toads have teeth?!
Brad: I'll research. You're not a big fan of toads or frogs, are you?
Rob: Not in the slightest. Still can't go sit in our garden.
Brad: Any particular reason, or do they just freak you out?
Rob: I dunno. Might be a texture thing. Like tomatoes, don't like them either.
Brad: Research would indicate that while there are some species that don't, most frogs have teeth, whereas toads don't. Toads just have a ridge of cartilage. DDM entertains, but also educates.
Rob: Hunh. Interesting. I learned something today.
I use one of the blazing fire-brands!

Brad: You thrust the fire brand into the creature's jaws.

Braggart: Suck on that.
Mungo: FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHY WOULD THEY PUT A MONSTER TOAD IN THE DESERT!

Brad: With a long, drawn-out, hissing sound, the creature erupts into a ball of flame! The explosion knocks you back upon the sand.
Rob: Ha! Toads also apparently have a thin coat of propane!

Charles: Of course! All toads are made helium!
Braggart: ...Really?
Charles: I mean...hydrogen. That's why I got fired from that balloon shop.
Braggart: You were selling kids toads?

Brad: Struggling to your feet, you turn to see Charles finishing another of the creatures. His gunfire tears great wounds in the creature's hide and a noisome liquid pours out. The toad-thing shrivels, crumples, then sags into a slimy membrane upon the desert sand.

Charles: I should say that Ausbach's provided us with this sport to cover his entry into the pyramid.

Brad: The veteran investigator is proved right when, a few minutes later, Harold Lathers breathlessly appears.

Harold: The guard at the pyramid has disappeared!
Braggart: You okay?
Charles: Come, we have no time to lose.

Brad: Charles hurries you back to the camp fire, then disappears into his tent.

Rob: I always feel bad for guards in situations like this.
Brad: He emerges a few moments later and thrusts a canvas package into your hand.

Charles: Here is a lantern, so much more dependable than those new-fangled electric contraptions, and some food. Now, off you go! Retrieve your pyramidion and seal Ausbach in the underworld. I am sure you will only be away for a couple of hours.
Braggart: Yeah, almost probably.

***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS JONES has acquired LANTERN***
***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS JONES has acquired THREE PROVISIONS***
***BRAGGART SMITH-RHYS JONES has acquired WATER CANTEEN***

Brad: As you walk towards the pyramid, you reload your pistol.

Mungo: Shall I stay here?
Braggart: Are you kidding? I might need a sacrifice.
Mungo: Ugh.

Brad: The entrance is hidden behind an imposing façade near the east face of the pyramid. Together, you pass between the ancient columns and trek through countless rooms until you reach a crude chamber. Here, the torn body of an Arab lies on the floor and a broad flight of steps descends into the earth. Lighting the lantern, you begin your descent and Charles watches after you until you disappear from sight.

Mungo: Shame he's not coming. You'd think he'd be useful. As a matter of fact...why isn't he coming?
Braggart: Yeah, I'm not sure why he doesn't come. My guess? Coward.

Brad: As you go deeper, the air becomes colder. You find yourself in a wide passage, lined with plain stone slabs. Your footsteps echo hollowly as you march between the walls, and the lantern's light flickers in the cold gloom.
Rob: How does something echo hollowly?
Brad: "Thunk". The passage ends in a large chamber, whose walls are covered with paintings and heiroglyphics. You are faced with a choice of ways.
Rob: The middle way!
Brad: You can fork left onto the Way of the Dead, or turn right into the passage that leads up into the pyramid's Grand Gallery.
Rob: Oh. Erm...Grand Gallery.
Brad: The passage rises steadily and then opens out into the Grand Gallery. The walls are brightly painted with scenes from Khefu's life and great columns soar into the darkness overhead. Dwarfed by the scale of this gallery, you trudge up its central avenue, whilst your shadow stalks across the walls behind you. At the end of the Gallery, a huge statue rises from the floor into the shadows above.

Braggart: Fuck off, shadow!

Brad: One of its hands it turned up and outwards in warning. Or antisemitism.
I'm kidding of course. I'm sure the ancient Egyptians and the Jews were the best of friends.
Rob: Yeah, they worked together on tons of stuff.
Brad: Between the statue's feet is a low archway that leads to the King's Chamber.
Rob: I examine the pictures on the statue's legs. I'm sure this won't be crazy-inducing.
Brad: On the right leg a series of pictures show the mummification of Khefu's body; on the left leg is his soul, in the guise of a human-headed bird, is shown leaving the mummy and flying from the pyramid. But the soul does not fly up into the sun.
Rob: Where does it fly?
Brad: It flies across a dark pit and in its claws it carries a triangle that glows.

Mungo: Could this be a reference to the pyramidion?

Brad: Looking closer, you see something has been inscribed on the triangle, but centuries of decay have blurred it beyond recognition. However, you do notice that the pit is filled with monstrous creatures, like great jelly-fish, that are beckoning to the triangle.

Braggart: They must like that.

Rob: I pass beneath the archway.

Mungo: You didn't much fancy the sound of the Way of Death, then?
Braggart: You know, I'm not so interested in that.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Straw Dogs: Ultimate 40th Anniversary Edition Giveaway

2011-10-22T12:00:00.015+01:00

Coinciding with its 40th anniversary and with the forthcoming remake, director Sam Peckinpah’s notorious thriller Straw Dogs has been carefully restored and remastered for release on two-disc DVD and for the first time ever as a features-packed Special Edition Blu-ray on 24th October 2011.

Discover more about the original in a series of articles running on http://www.totalfanhub.com/straw-dogs/ which will include reactions to the remake, plus details of the screening of the original at The Barbican in London on 9th Nov.

And for your shelf we have copies of the Blu-ray to give away for two lucky winners.

For your chance of winning, send your name and full postal address to emotionally14@hotmail.co.uk before midday on Saturday 5th November, making sure to put "Straw Dogs" as the subject. The first two entries out of the electronic hat after the competition closes will receive a copy of this awesome Blu-ray!

Don't forget to put "Straw Dogs" in the subject line. Incorrectly labelled or blank entries will be discarded.

Straw Dogs: Ultimate 40th Anniversary Edition is available now, courtesy of Fremantle Home Entertainment.

Entries limited to one per household. Offer open only to postal addresses in the UK and Ireland.